Indecision 2012 - Good Luck Motherf@*kers Edition - Blather for Elephants

  • Aired:  05/09/11
  •  | Views: 212,039

Fox News introduces a few of the lesser-known candidates at the first Republican presidential debate. (6:09)

"I AM BIN LADEN!

."

OF COURSE IN ALL THE HUBBUB

OVER THE KILLING OF BIN LADEN

WE CAN'T SELECT THE RACE TO

SELECT THE NEXT AMERICAN.

THAT'S THE SUBJECT OF

TONIGHT'S INDECISION 2012.

GOOD LUCK, MY (BEEP) EDITION.

LAST WEEK FOX HOSTED THE FIRST

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL

DEBATE.

AND THE OPEN STRUCK JUST THE

RIGHT TONE.

>> THE DEFINING ISSUES FACING

OUR NATION.

FROM TAKING DOWN THE MOST

WANTED MAN IN THE WORLD TO OUR

EXPLODING DEBT.

>> IS IT IMMORAL TO ROB OUR

CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN'S

FUTURES.

>> JOBS.

AND SPIKING GAS PRICES.

NOW THE CANDIDATES ON WHAT

THEY WOULD DO IF THEY WERE IN

THE WHITE HOUSE.

>> Jon: AND NOW PLEASE WELCOME

THE CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT

OF THE POST APOCALYPTIC HELL

SCAPE.

THE FIRST QUESTION, HOW WOULD

YOU AS PRESIDENT WHEN OUR

DESPERATE CITIZENS BEGIN

EATING HUMAN FLESH, WHAT WOULD

YOU DO?

FOX, WE REPORT.

YOU RUN AND HIDE.

THIS SHOWDOWN HAS THE MOST

NOTABLE FOR WHO WASN'T THERE.

NAMES LIKE MITT ROMNEY SARAH

PALIN, NEWT GINGRICH, MICHELLE

BACHMANN, MITCH DANIELS,

DONALD TRUMP.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE REST

OF THE NAMES UP ON THE WEBB.

AS A RESULT, AMERICA GOT TO

MEET SOME OF THE LESSER KNOWN

REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES.

>> CONGRESSMAN RON PAUL OF

TEXAS, HERMAN CANE, FORMER

CHAIRMAN AND CEO OF GOD

MATTER'S PIZZA.

TIM PAWLENTY OF MINNESOTA.

RICK SANTORUM.

>> Jon: YOU MIGHT HAVE TO

GOOGLE SOME OF THOSE

CANDIDATES.

ALTHOUGH I GUESS FOR THE LAST

GUY I PREFER YOU DIDN'T DO

THAT.

BY THE WAY, IF YOU DIDN'T GET

THAT JOKE, GO GOOGLE SAMTORUM

RIGHT NOW.

I'LL WAIT.

YEAH.

(BEEP) BELIEVE THAT?

SANTORUM MIGHT AS WELL CHANGE

HIS LAST NAME TO LEMON PARTY.

GO AHEAD.

GOOGLE THAT.

I'LL WAIT.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S MOVE ON.

PERHAPS THE MOST WELL KNOWN

CANDIDATE WAS 12th TERM TEXAS

CONGRESSMAN RON PAUL THE ONLY

PARTICIPANT CURRENTLY HOLDING

OFFICE.

>> WE DO NOT NEED SECRET

PRISONS NOR DO WE NEED THE

TORTURE THAT GOES ON IN THE

SECRET MILITARY PRISONS.

MAYBE WE CAN TAKE CARE OF SOME

PEOPLE BACK HERE AT HOME IF WE

WEREN'T SPENDING $1.5 TRILLION

A YEAR ON OUR MILL TARISM.

>> Jon: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS IS A WEAK REPUBLICAN

FIELD.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS

COMPROMISE YOUR LIBERTARIAN

PRINCIPLES A LITTLE BIT, FEED

THESE PEOPLE CHRISTIAN

CONSERVATIVE RED MEAT LIKE THE

THREE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN

THE WORLD ARE REAGAN, JESUS

AND REAGAN AGAIN.

GAYS CAN GET MARRIAGE LICENSES

WHEN THEY PRY THEM FROM MY

COLD DEAD HANDS.

(BEEP) COME ON.

GIVE IT TO THEM.

>> CONGRESSMAN PAUL, YOU SAY

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SHOULD

STAY OUT OF PEOPLE'S PERSONAL

HABITS.

MARIJUANA, COCAINE, EVEN

HEROIN SHOULD BE LEGAL IF

STATES WANT TO PERMIT IT.

YOU FEEL THE SAME ABOUT

PROSTITUTION AND GAY MARRIAGE.

>> Jon: HERE'S YOUR CHANCE.

WWW-JMD, WHAT WOULD JOHN

McCAIN DO.

THE NOMINATION CAN BE YOURS.

JUST TAKE THE PRINCIPLES THAT

MAKE YOU RESPECTED AND

DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM THEM.

>> WHAT YOU'RE INFERING IS YOU

KNOW WHAT?

IF WE LEGALIZE HEROIN TOMORROW

EVERYBODY WILL USE IT.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE WOULD USE

IT IF IT WAS LEGAL?

I BET NOBODY WOULD.

OH, YEAH, I NEED THE

GOVERNMENT TO TAKE CARE OF ME.

I DON'T WANT TO USE HAIR WIN

SO I NEED THESE LAWS.

>> Jon: NO!

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS PRAYER

IN SCHOOLS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU KEEP THIS UP AND YOU'LL

NEVER END UP A SHELL OF YOUR

FORMER SELF.

HELLO, OLD FRIEND.

I KNOW YOU'LL BE WATCHING

TONIGHT.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YEAH, YOU'RE A REAL MAVERICK.

WILL NO TRAGICALLY AMBITIOUS

POLITICIAN SPEED WALK AWAY

FROM THE MILDLY CENTRIST

POSITIONS THEY ONCE HELD

PERHAPS SOMEONE FOR WHOM THIS

CRAVEN REVERSAL PRINCIPLE NET

A SHORT-LIVED APPEARANCE AT

BEST?

>> YES, YOU.

>> TWO YEARS AGO YOU WOULD NOT

ENDORSE WATER BOARDING OF HIGH-

VALUE DETAINEES.

>> I SUPPORT ENHANCED

INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES UNDER

LIMITED CIRCUMSTANCES.

>> YOU DON'T OPPOSE GOVERNMENT

FUNDING FOR RESEARCH ON

EXISTING STEM CELL LINES

ALREADY DERIVED FROM EMBRYOS.

>> AS TO EMBRYONIC STEM CELL

RESEARCH I DON'T THINK WE

SHOULD PURSUE THAT?

?

>> IN 2008 YOU SAID I SUPPORT

A REASONAL CAP-AND-TRADE

SYSTEM AT THE FEDERAL LEVEL.

>> I'VE MADE A MISTAKE AND

I'VE OPPOSED THAT

CAP-AND-TRADE MISS MISTAKE

SINCE.

>> Jon: WELL PLAYED McCAIN Jr.

LET'S SEE IF YOUR DIVE INTO

ABYSS HAVE PAID DIVIDENDS.

>> HOW MANY OF YOU THINK HE

WON THE DEBATE?

WELL, WE CAN STOP RIGHT THERE.

>> Jon: WHAT?

HERMAN KAINE, THE PIZZA GUY?

THE PIZZA GUY WHOSE PIZZA

CHAIN IS NAMED AFTER THE HEAD

OF THE MAFIA, THAT GUY?

EITHER HE'S AN EFFORTLESS

TALKING POINT MACHINE OR THE

DELICIOUSNESS OF HIS PIZZA HAS

CLOUDED VOTERS' MINDS.

>> ONE OF THE BIGGEST PROBLEMS

WE HAVE THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW

TODAY IS TOO MUCH GOVERNMENT

INTERVENTION.

WE NEED TO GET GOVERNMENT OUT

OF THE WAY.

IF YOU LOOK AT THIS CURRENT

ADMINISTRATION IT IS THE WORST

IN CURRENT HISTORY.

I STRONGLY SUPPORT TOTAL

REPLACING THE CURRENT CODE

WITH THE FAIR TAX.

GOVERNMENT DOESN'T CREATE

JOBS.

BUSINESSES CREATE JOBS.

>> Jon: YEAH, I KNEW IT WASN'T

THE PIZZA.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

REPUBLICANS HAVE SURVEYED THE

FIELD AND BELIEVE THEIR BEST

CHANCE TO WIN IS A CHARISMATIC

BLACK GUY WITH A FUNNY NAME.

I MEAN, HERMAN.

YEAH, AMERICANS WILL VOTE FOR

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