Family Research Council's European Gaycation

  • Aired:  05/06/10
  •  | Views: 253,921

Faisal Shahzad forgets his keys, Greece drowns in debt, BP tries to cap the oil spill, and George Rekers rents a male prostitute. (9:53)

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY!

WELCOME TO THE DAIL SHOW.

MY NAME IS J.W. STEWART.

WE HAVE A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

TONIGHT'S GUEST, FAR OWE BATALI.

GREAT CHEF, AUTHOR, TV PERSONALITY.

BAM!

[LAUGHTER]

ANYWAY, IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT.

FOLKS, TONIGHT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

THE WORLD HAS EXPLODED.

I DON'T EVEN... BELIEVE ME,

THERE ARE SOME DAYS I COME IN THE OFFICE AND THE BIGGEST STORY IS THAT ON CNN SOME GUY IS

WEARING AN ASCOT.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT IS JUST...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK THAT'S HOW SOMEONE REPORTS THE NEWS TO THE GREAT GATSBY?

BIG NEWS TONIGHT IN PEARL-HANDLED CIGARETTE HOLDERS.

WE CAN'T DO IT, MAN.

[BLEEP] IS FLYING EVERYWHERE.

GREECE IS ON FIRE.

WE'RE TRYING THE CAP THE OIL SPILL.

NASHVILLE AND CENTRAL TENNESSEE STILL FEELING TERRIBLE PAIN FROM THIS HORRIFIC FLOODING.

THE DOW DROPPED 1,000 POINTS,

AND THEN FOR NO APPARENT REASON SHOT UP 700 POINTS.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, YOU GET THE FEELING WE ARE ON THE PRECIPICE OF A MAJOR...

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?

HONEY, WHERE ARE MY TIES?

OH, FORGET IT, I FOUND THE SCISSORS.

HELLO, DRAPES.

I'LL BE HOME AFTER NO ONE STOPS ME FROM WEARING THIS ON TELEVISION.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IN REAL NEWS, REMEMBER THIS GUY, FAISAL SHAHZAD, A.K.A. THE WANNABOMBER, TURNS OUT... TURNS

OUT HE'S NOT JUST A TERRORIST.

HE'S A MORON.

>> HE DROVE ANOTHER CAR TO TIMES SQUARE LAST FRIDAY, THE DAY BEFORE THE ATTEMPTED BOMBING,

APPARENTLY TO BE HIS GETAWAY CAR, BUT THEY SAY HE LEFT THE GETAWAY KEYS HANGING IN THE REAR

HATCH DOOR OF THE BOMB-CARRYING S.U.V.

>> HE ALSO LEFT BEHIND THE KEYS TO HIS HOME.

HE GETS TO CONNECTICUT, TELLS HIS LANDLORD, I NEED YOUR HELP GETTING INTO MY APARTMENT.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN HE GETS INTO HIS APARTMENT AND REALIZES, I LEFT THE TAP RUNNING, SLIPS ON THE WATER,

FALL ONTO A CACTUS AND FALLS RIGHT INTO HIS BEAR TRAP COLLECTION.

THAT RATTLES HIS BOOKCASE AND HIS BOWLING BALL FALLS RIGHT ON TOP OF HIS HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT?

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO IN THIS COUNTRY WHEN WE GET ATTACKED BY SOMEONE WHO IS NOT ONE OF THE

"HOME ALONE" BURGLARS?

THIS GUY IS [BLEEP].

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MEANWHILE, WHILE ALL THAT'S GOING ON, GREECE'S FINANCIAL CRISIS THREATENS TO TAKE DOWN

ALL OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION.

A CIVILIZATION THEY THEMSELVES FOUNDED.

[LAUGHTER]

A RATHER TRAGIC IRONY, WHICH IS SOMETHING THEY ALSO INVENTED.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DIDN'T THE GREEKS INVENTS?

>> GREECE IS NOW DROWNING IN DEBT.

FOR MORE THAN A GENERATION,

GREECE HAS BEEN LAX OVER ITS SPENDING, PLAYING OUT SALARIES ON THE GOVERNMENT DIME WITH HUGE

HOLIDAY BONUSES, PAYING EMPLOYEES AS IF THEY WORK 14 MONTHS A YEAR INSTEAD OF 12.

>> Jon: OH, RIGHT, MATH.

THEY DIDN'T INVENT MATH.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CUT BACK TO ONLY ONE GOD.

I DON'T KNOW WHO WE'RE GOING TO GO WITH.

MEANWHILE, THE COUNTRY THAT PERFECTED THE DEMOCRACY GREECE INVENTED...

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE MOVING INTO MID-TERM TERRITORY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

[LAUGHTER]

I WISH.

I WISH.

I CAN'T KEEP [BLEEP] THAT CHICKEN.

LOOK... WE GET TO SEE, OH,

ERNIE.

WE GET TO SEE HOW POTENTIAL CONGRESS PEOPLE, LIKE FLORIDA REPUBLICAN DAN FANELLI, WOULD

DEAL WITH ISSUES LIKE TERRORISM.

>> DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A TERRORIST OR THIS?

IT'S TIME TO STOP THIS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: WHICH ONE LOOKS LIKE A TERRORIST?

WHICH ONE, DR. KEVORKIAN ON THE LEFT, OR THE CAST MEMBER FROM

"JERSEY SHORE" ON THE RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH ONE'S THE TERRORIST?

>> LET'S FACE IT, IT'S A GOOD-LOOKING RIPPED GUY WITHOUT

MUCH HAIR WERE FLYING AIRPLANES INTO THE TWIN TOWERS, I WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM BEING PULLED OUT

OF LINE.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT BUST THE BEAUTIFUL BUBBLE YOU'RE

CREATED FOR YOURSELF, BUT REMEMBER THE GUY THAT FLEW A PLANE INTO THE I.R.S. BUILDING?

HE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE EITHER ONE OF THOSE GUYS.

HE LOOKED LIKE YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO YOU'RE RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.

SEE YOU IN JAIL [BLEEP].

MEANWHILE, REMEMBER THAT MASSIVE OIL SLICK THREATENING THE GULF COAST?

THEY MIGHT HAVE A SOLUTION.

>> THINK OF THIS CONTAINMENT DOME AS A BIG, MASSIVE METAL CONCRETE FUNNEL.

>> A HUGE, ARE U.S.E BOX.

>> A BIG SUCTION CUP.

>> THE BOTTOM OFF OF A MILK CARTON.

>> A BIG CHIMNEY.

THE.

A BUCKET OVER A FIRE HOUSE.

>> A HUGE COFFEE CUP.

>> Jon: A BROOCH, A TEARDACTYL.

SO THE BIG IDEA TO FIX THE OIL SPILL THAT'S GUSHING FROM THE UNDERWATER WELL IS TO COVER IT.

[LAUGHTER]

SEEMS A LITTLE LATE.

JESUS, MY HEAD'S BLEEDING.

OH, HERE, PUT A HAT ON.

THANKS, DOC.

ACTUALLY, IT MIGHT NOT BE AS DIFFICULT AS IT SEEMS.

LET'S TRY AND THIS A DEMONSTRATION HERE.

A LITTLE BIT OF SCIENCE, IF WE WILL.

I HAD THE BOYS DOWN AT "DAILY SHOW" TECH WORK UP A SIMULATION.

NOW, REMEMBER, KIDS...

[LAUGHTER]

I WANT YOU TO KNOW, TRY THIS AT HOME.

IN THE NICEST ROOM IN THE HOUSE.

ALL RIGHT.

SO SAY THIS IS YOUR OIL WELL.

IT'S IN THE WATER THERE.

AND THEN HERE WE GOT A LITTLE EXPLOSION CAUSING... OH, BOY.

ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S THE EXPLOSION.

OKAY.

HOLD ON.

LET ME JUST GET IT.

WAIT.

OKAY.

I ALMOST GOT IT.

HOLD ON.

WAIT.

I THINK I'M GOING TO GET IT.

HOLD ON.

I'M GOING TO GET IT.

OH...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE MOST EXPLOSIVE OR JUVENILE STORY OF THE NIGHT.

SANCHEZ, TAKE IT A WAY.

>> HIS NAME IS GEORGE REKERS.

HE CO-FOUNDED THE FAMILY RESEARCH COUNCIL.

HE GOES ON NATIONAL TELEVISION AS AN ANTI-GAY ACTIVIST.

THIS GUY, REKERS, HAS BEEN REPORTEDLY SPOTTED WITH AN ALLEGED MALE PROSTITUTE.

>> Jon: MAYBE IF WE CAP HIS PENIS, THEY, UH...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT WOULD WORK.

YES.

GEORGE REKERS, CO-FOUNDER OF THE ULTRA CONSERVATIVE FAMILY RESEARCH COUNCIL CAUGHT

VACATIONING IN EUROPE WITH A RENT BOY.

THAT WAS ACTUALLY HIRED FROM A SITE CALLED RENTBOY.COM.

[LAUGHTER]

SEEMS LIKE A FAIR CHARACTERIZATION.

BY THE WAY, IF HE HAD GONE TO PEP BOYS DOT COM, HE MIGHT HAVE SEEN MY AD.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT, LOOK AT THAT.

YEAH.

IT WAS JACK'S IDEA.

REKERS CLAIMED HE HIRED THE MALE PROSTITUTE BECAUSE HE'D RECENTLY

HAD SURGERY AND NEEDED SOMEONE TO HELP HIM CARRY HIS LUGGAGE.

NOW, IF I MAY SHOW YOU A PHOTO,

A LOCAL MIAMI PAPER TOOK OF THE TWO AT THE AIRPORT, FOR THE RECORD, THE RENT BOY IS THE ONE

ON THE RIGHT, NOT TOUCHING THE LUGGAGE.

I ASSUME TO PRESERVE HAND SOFTNESS.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN CONFRONTED, THE RENT BOY ADMITTED THAT THE TWO HAD HAD SEX, WHILE REKERS CLAIMED HE WAS

MERELY TRYING TO CONVINCE THE RENT BOY TO LEAVE THE HOMOSEXUAL LIFESTYLE AND "SHARE THE GOSPEL

OF JESUS CHRIST WITH HIM IN GREAT DETAIL." YES, I BELIEVE THEY READ

EXTENSIVELY FROM THE BOOK OF

[BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

SO MANY STORIES TODAY.

SO MANY THINGS GOING ON IN THE WORLD.

THINK YOU CAN GUESS WHICH STORY LIT UP "THE DAILY SHOW" SWITCHBOARD?

>> GOOD AFTERNOON, "DAILY SHOW." YES, WE KNOW ABOUT THE GAY CONSERVATIVE.

CONSERVATIVE WITH GAY PROSTITUTE, YES, WE KNOW.

HELLO, DAILY SHOW?

HOMOSEXUAL HUSTLER.

WE KNOW HE'S GAY.

GAY, GAY.

WE KNOW HE'S GAY.

GAY.

GAY.

GAY.

YES, HE'S GAY.

>> Jon: WE W||||

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