Cliffpocalypsemageddonacaust - Totally Solvable Budget Problem - Numbers on Paper

  • Aired:  12/04/12
  •  | Views: 147,657

The fiscal cliff will only be averted if America's leaders can display bare bones competence and middle-school-level maturity, so of course there's no hope. (8:04)

THEY'RE CASTING A BENTON ADD AND THEY NEEDED -- IT'S ACTUALLY A PERFECT WAY TO GET INTO A

PROGRAM TONIGHT.

WE BEGIN WITH THE ONGOING NEGOTIATIONS TO SAVE OUR ECONOMY OR, AS WE'RE CALLING IT, CLIFFPOCALYPSEMAGEDDONACAUST.

(LAUGHTER) OUR TOTALLY SOLVEABLE BUDGET PROBLEM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: THAT'S SCARY.

FOUR WEEKS!

FOUR WEEKS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN JUST 20 -- SOME DAYS.

(LAUGHTER) OUR COUNTRY WILL BE HEADING OVER THE FISCAL CLIFF THAT WE OURSELVES DUG AND PUT IN OUR WAY.

IT'S THE SET OF AUTOMATIC SPENDING CUTS AND TAX HIKES THAT CAN ONLY BE AVERTED IF OUR

NATION'S LEADERS ARE ABLE TO DISPLAY BARE-BONES COMPETENCE AND MIDDLE SCHOOL LEVEL MATURITY.

(LAUGHTER) SO THE THERE A DEAL.

>> THERE'S, OF COURSE, NO DEAL.

>> Jon: OF COURSE!

IS THERE THERE A PROSPECT FOR A DEAL?

>> THERE'S NOT A PROSPECT FOR A DEAL.

>> Jon: OF COURSE!

(LAUGHTER) BUT THE ONGOING TALKS --

>> THERE AREN'T EVEN VERY MANY TALKS GOING ON.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: DAMN!

YOU'RE KIDDING US!

GIVE US SOMETHING!

>> BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME THERE ARE NUMBERS ON PIECES OF PAPER FROM BOTH SIDES.

>> Jon: NUMBERS ON PAPER!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE HAVE NUMBERS ON PAPER!

FROM BOTH SIDES!

(WHISPERING SNVPLD WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE OKAY.

(LAUGHTER) HOW WERE -- NUMBERS ON PAPER.

HOW WERE NEGOTIATIONS BEING CONDUCTED BEFORE THEY DECIDED TO PUT NUMBERS ON PAPER?

(LAUGHTER) WERE THEY COMMUNICATEDING BY PHEROMONES LIKE AUNTS?

(LAUGHTER) VANITY CARDS?

IS THAT HOW THIS WAS GOING?

WERE THE TWO SIDES JUST SPRAY PAINTING A SIDE AND HOPING IT WANDERS PAST THE OTHER SIDE'S

OFFICE OR OTHER EQUALLY ABSURD EXAMPLES?

SO TELL US ABOUT THIS PAPER WITH NUMBERS ON THEM.

>> $4 TRILLION OF DEFICIT REDUCTION OVER THE NEXT TEN YEARS.

IT INCLUDES $1.6 TRILLION IN HIGHER TAXES ON HOUSEHOLDS MAKING MORE THAN $250,000 A YEAR.

THERE'S ALSO $400 BILLION IN CUTS TO ENTITLEMENT PROGRAMS.

THERE'S APLS ALSO SOME FRESH NEW SPENDING.

$50 BILLION NEXT YEAR IN STIMULUS SPENDING, ALL FOR INFRASTRUCTURE.

>> Jon: OOH, GREEN LETTERING.

OOH!

(LAUGHTER) JOHNNY LIKE YOU.

ALL RIGHT, SO WE GOT A LITTLE TAX CUT HIKE HERE, A LITTLE ENTITLEMENT TRIM THERE.

BASICALLY TELLING THE GOVERNMENT IT NEEDS A MIX OF DIET AND EXERCISE IF I WANT F IT WANTS TO

REDUCE ITS CHANCES OF SUCCUMBING TO HEART DISEASE OR SWOLLEN PROSTATE -- CHRIST, I JUST

TURNED 50.

(LAUGHTER) NO, I'M SORRY.

BASICALLY THIS PLAN IS AROUND SOMEWHAT WHAT OBAMA SAID HE WAS GOING TO DO ABOUT THE BUDGET

WHILE HE WAS ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.

SO I GUESS WE CAN PUT THAT ANOTHER WAY.

>> THE PROPOSAL THAT CAME FORWARD YESTERDAY REALLY IS A JOKE.

>> I'M NOT SURPRISED AT MY COLLEAGUE, SENATOR McCONNELL LAUGHED AT THAT PROPOSAL.

>> THE PRESIDENT'S PLAN DOES NOTHING BUT DAMN TO US BECOMING GREECE.

>> DISAPPOINTING.

>> DISAPPOINTED.

>> I'M REALLY DISAPPOINTED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: REALLY?

BECAUSE YOU DON'T SOUND THAT DISAPPOINTED, QUITE FRANKLY.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT DISAPPOINTED SOUNDS LIKE?

>> DISAPPOINTED!

(APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: THAT GUY'S CLEARLY DISAPPOINTED.

EVEN THOUGH THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WHAT FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND AT THE INTERNET A STAGE DIRECTION.

HE JUST HAPPENED TO SAY IT OUTLOUD.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE BUT WHY NOT SPREAD IT AS FAR AS I CAN.

TO THEIR CREDIT, THE REPUBLICANS DIDN'T JUST COMPLAIN ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S PLAN, THEY PUT

FORWARD ON PAPER NUMBERS OF THEIR OWN.

>> YOU SEE THE OFFER ON YOUR GENE, $800 THROUGH TAX REFORM, $600 BILLION IN HEALTH SAVINGS,

$300 BILLION IN MANDATORY SAVINGS, $300 BILLION FURTHER DISCRETIONARY SAVINGS THAT NETS

TO $2.2 TRILLION IN SAVINGS.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

SO THE G.O.P. PROPOSAL IS ADDING UP TOWARDS $1.2 TRILLION IN CUTS AND A TRILLION IN SAVINGS AND

THEY LEAVE THE TAX RATES ALONE FOR THE TOP 2% AND THEY -- WAIT A MINUTE.

(LAUGHTER) THE FISCAL CLIFF, THE THING WE'RE TRYING TO AVOID, AT $1.2 TRILLION IN CUTS, HALF OF THOSE

CUTS WERE GOING TO BE TO DEFENSE.

THIS HAS $1.2 TRILLION IN CUTS BUT THEY'RE JUST SAYING WHY DON'T WE MAKE THE WHOLE THING

CUT TO ENTITLEMENTS AND DOMESTIC SPENDING AND NOT CUT DEFENSE AT ALL?

BASICALLY THEY'RE TRYING TO ENTICE THE DEMOCRATS.

THEY'RE SAYING I DON'T WANT YOU TO FALL OFF THIS CLIFF, SO WHY DON'T YOU VOLUNTARILY JUMP OFF

THIS STEEPER CLIFF.

(LAUGHTER) BUT DENT WORRY, YOUR FALL WILL BE CUSHIONED BY LAVA.

(LAUGHTER) NOW, OBVIOUSLY IT'S A NEGOTIATION, PEOPLE TAKE A HARD-LINE POSITION.

WITH THE TAX RATE BEING THE LOWEST IN AMERICA SINCE THE 1950s, MOST LIKELY WE'LL RAISE

THE TAX FOR THE UP 2ER% AT SOME POINT, RIGHT?

>> RAISING TAX RATES IS UNACCEPTABLE.

>> Jon: OKAY.

SO WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR IDEA OF THE A NEGOTIATION?

>> THE PRESIDENT'S IDEA OF A NEGOTIATION IS "ROLL OVER AND DO WHAT I ASK."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: AT LEAST ONCE HE HAS YOU ON YOUR BACK HE ASKS.

(LAUGHTER) I CAN'T WAIT TILL -- (APPLAUSE) THEY'RE APPLAUDING THE LACK OF RAPE.

(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) NOW THEY'RE JUST MIMICKING ME.

(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THE DEMOCRATS GET AHOLD OF THIS REPUBLICAN PROPOSAL.

THEY ARE GOING TO TEAR IT TO SHREDS.

>> THE GOOD NEWS IS THEY PUT SOMETHING IN WRITING.

THE BAD NEWS IS IT DOESN'T REALLY GET US IN THE MOVING -- MOVING FORWARD.

>> THE REPUBLICAN PLAN FAILED THE VERY FIRST TEST OF FAIRNESS.

>> UNFORTUNATELY, THE SPEAKER'S PROPOSAL RIGHT NOW IS STILL OUT OF BALANCE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: "OUT OF BALANCE"?

WHERE'S YOUR HYSTERICAL RHETORIC.

WHERE'S YOUR "I LAUGHED IN THEIR (BLEEP)ING FACES!" WHERE IS YOUR "DISAPPOINTED!"

WHERE IS YOUR "THIS PROPOSAL IS AN INSULT!

THIS PROPOSAL WILL DESTROY AMERICA!

THIS PROPOSAL IS LIKE STALIN (BLEEP) AGO BALD EAGLE!" (LAUGHTER) I WILL GUARANTEE YOU STALIN WAS

A HARRIER DUDE THAN THAT.

GUARANTEE IT.

(LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE IT'S TIME TO STOP THE BACK-AND-FORTH OF OFFERS.

IT'S CLEAR REPUBLICANS AREN'T GOING TO COME TO THE TABLE WITH ANYTHING REMOTELY REASONABLE SO

I'LL BE THE ONE TO SAY IT: I KNOW IT WILL BE DISASTROUS, I KNOW IT WILL DOOM OUR ECONOMY

FOR YEARS TO COME, BUT LET'S JUST GO OVER THE (BLEEP)ING CLIFF.

FINE.

LET'S JUST GO.

JUST LEAVE THE NEGOTIATING TABLE AND SEND US OVER THE CLIFF.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHY?

AT LEAST FOR A FEW SECONDS IT WILL FEEL LIKE

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