Healthcare Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

  • Aired:  09/25/13
  •  | Views: 169,271

Texas Senator Ted Cruz casts himself as Churchill to Obama's Chamberlain in the great fight against Hitler's healthcare exchanges. (6:22)

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY!

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

I'M JON STEWART.

GUESTS TONIGHT, ATOMS FOR PEACE.

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]AS YOU KNOW, THAT IS A BAND AND

ALSO THE SLOGAN OF THE IRANIAN NUCLEAR PROGRAM.

THOM YORKE FROM RADIOHEAD, FLEA FROM THE CHILI PEPPERS.

VERY TALENTED GROUP.

WE'VE WASTED TOO MUCH TIME.

WE HAVE TO GET TO THE SENATE FLOOR. TEXAS

REPUBLICAN TED CRUZ HAS BEENADDRESSING THAT AUGUST BODY.

>> I RISE TODAY IN AN EFFORT TO SPEAK FOR 26 MILLION TEXANS.

AND FOR 300 MILLION AMERICANS.

AS AMERICANS, WE VALUE LIBERTY AND OPPORTUNITY ABOVE ALL ELSE.

WHAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN IS WHAT WE'VE

ALWAYS BEEN INTERESTED IN.

>> Jon: STUFF-CRUSTED PIZZA.

NO, WAIT! TACOS MADE FROM DORITOS.

NO.

FRAPPACINO. BRANGELINA.

FRAPALINA.

>> WHAT WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN INTERESTED IN, WHICH IS FREEDOM.

>> Jon: DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.

DOES FREEDOM HAVE CHEESE STUFFEDIN ITS CRUST?

[LAUGHTER]CLEARLY SENATOR CRUZ BELIEVES

OUR FREEDOM IS UNDER ASSAULT.

SENATOR CRUZ, WOULD YOU CARE TO OFFER A HISTORICAL PRECEDENT

THAT YOU FEEL IS APPROPRIATE TO THE THREAT THAT WE NOW FACE?

>> IF YOU GO TO THE 1940s, NAZI GERMANY.

>> Jon: NAZI GERMANY?

[LAUGHTER]WHY, THAT'S MY LEAST FAVORITE

KIND OF GERMANY.

[LAUGHTER]YOU HAVE YOUR REGULAR GERMANY,

YOUR WEIMAR GERMANY. YOURVISIGOTHS. YOUR HASSELHOFFS.

BUT OH, MY GOD, TED CRUZ SAYS WE'RE AT DEFCON NAZI.

>> WHAT WE SAW IN BRITIAN, NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN THAT TOLD

THE BRITISH PEOPLE, ACCEPT THE NAZIS, YES, THEY'LL DOMINATE THE

CONTINENT OF EUROPE.

THAT'S NOT OUR PROBLEM.

LET'S APPEASE.

IN AMERICA, THERE WERE VOICES THAT LISTENED TO THAT.

I SUSPECT THOSE SAME PUNDITSTHAT SAID IT COULD NOT BE DONE

IF IT WAS THE 40s, WE WOULD BE LISTENING TO THEM.

>> Jon: LET'S NOT LISTEN TO THE NAZI APPEASERS.

WHAT IS THIS IT THAT THESE HITLER LOVERS BELIEVE WE CAN'T

DO BUT THAT YOU SAY WE SHOULD BEDOING?

TO SAVE OUR STUFFED CRUST FREEDOM?

>> I RISE TODAY IN OPPOSITION. >> Jon: I RISE WITH YOU!

[LAUGHTER]TO DEFEAT WHAT I CAN ONLY ASSUME

IS THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, WHICH IS CLEARLY THE ONLY THING YOU

COULD BE TALKING ABOUTGIVEN THE LEVEL

OF RHETORIC YOU'VE USEDTHUS FAR. >> IN OPPOSITIONTO OBAMA CARE.

[LAUGHTER][APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER][APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: OKAY, OKAY.

POSSIBLY A VERY TROUBLED BUREAUCRATIC SYSTEM.

CAN WE FOCUS ON THE NAZI ZOMBIESFOR A SECOND?

>> I INTEND TO SPEAK IN SUPPORT OF DEFUNDING OBAMA CARE UNTIL I

AM NO LONGER ABLE TO STAND.

>> Jon: WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO TAKE THAT

KIND OF PHYSICAL RISK.

YOU HAVE GOVERNMENT HEALTHCARE.

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]WOULD BE UNABLE TO STAND UNTIL

THE NAZIS STEAL MY KNEES.

YES, THAT'S TED CRUZ THE SENATORTHAT STARTED AT 2:21 EASTERN

WASTING TIME. TOOK TO THE SENATEFLOOR FOR 21 HOURS.

NOT TO DELAY, BUT TO CAST HIMSELF AS CHURCHILL TO OBAMA'S

CHAMBERLAIN IN THE GREAT FIGHT AGAINST HITLER'S HEALTHCARE

EXCHANGES.

I -- I LOST THE THREAD OF THE METAPHOR.

MY POINT IS THIS: SENATOR CRUZ --

[LAUGHTER]TAKES AWHILE TO SINK IN.

TAKES AWHILE TO SINK IN.

SENATOR CRUZ CLEARLY BELIEVES OUR VERY FREEDOM IS AT STAKE

HERE AND SENATOR CRUZ AS A BRILLIANT HARVARD LAWYER AND

PRINCETON DEBATE CHAMPION, I IMAGINE THAT HE IS PREPARED TO

MAKE A STUNNING ARGUMENTAS TO WHY OBAMA CARE PLACES

THIS NATION IN SUCH PERIL.

>> SOME TIME AGO I TWEETED A SPEECH THAT ASHTON KUTCHER GAVE.

IT'S A TERRIFIC SPEECH.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: YOU'RE [BLEEP] WITH US,

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: YOU'RE [BLEEP] WITH US,

RIGHT?

I TWEETED A SPEECH BY ASHTON KUTCHER.

IT WAS SO GOOD, I ONLY NEEDED 140 CHARACTERS OF IT.

HOW WOULD THAT LOOK IN THE SENATOR'S ORIGINAL ANALOGY?

TED CRUZ! SENATOR!

YOU'RE ONE OF THE GREAT MINDS OFOUR TIME, SAYS YOU.

WHO SAYS?

WE ARE FACING ONE OF THE GREAT PERILS OF OUR AGE.

AND YET YOU OUTSOURCED YOUR ARGUMENT AND WISDOM TO A DUDE

WHO CANNOT FIND HIS CAR?

[LAUGHTER]PERHAPS THERE WAS EVEN MORE

ELOQUENT AND SOARING SPEECH MAKING TO COME.

>> I WANT TO POINT OUT JUST A FEW WORDS OF WISDOM FROM "DUCK

DYNASTY."

THERE WAS A MOVIE "JASON VERSUS FREDDY."

I FORGOT WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT MOVIE.

EIGHT WHITE CASTLE RESTAURANTS HERE.

I LIKE THEIR LITTLE BURGERS.

IT'S A BIT LIKE THE WORLDWRESTLING FEDERATION.

IN MY MIND, I HEARD THE MUSIC FROM THE SHINING.

NOT SHINING.

PSYCHO.

AND JUST LIKE IN THE "STAR WARS"MOVIES, MIKE LEE, I AM YOUR

FATHER! >> Jon: YOU'RE LOSING THEM!

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