State of the Union 2012 - Hopin' Mic Night

  • Aired:  01/25/12
  •  | Views: 126,252

The 2012 State of the Union featured Barack Obama as tax-cutting Oprah and predictable audience reaction cutaways. (6:40)

Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRAL

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART, WE HAVE

A GOOD ONE FOR YOU TONIGHT.

OUR GUEST IS PAULA BROADWELL, A

NEW BOOK ON DAVID PETRAEUS AND

FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND PAULA CAN

AND MAY CRUSH ME LIKE A WALNUT.

IN HER BARE HANDS.

NOW, LATELY OBVIOUSLY WE'VE

HEARD AND THE CANDIDATES RUNNING

TO BE THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE FOR

PRESIDENT, BUT DID YOU KNEE...

WERE YOU AWARE?

WE ALREADY HAVE A PRESIDENT.

>> MR. SPEAKER, THE PRESIDENT OF

THE UNITED STATES!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: LAST NIGHT, THE

CURRENT PRESIDENT STRODE TO THE

PODIUM TO DELIVER A MESSAGE TO

THE CITIZENS OF THIS GREAT

NATION.

AND OBVIOUSLY FOR A SPEECH LIKE

THIS, JOINT SESSION, YOU WANT TO

EASE IN.

YOU WANT TO WARM UP THE CROWD

GRADUALLY.

>>

♪ I'M SO IN LOVE WITH YOU... ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: (HUMMING)

KIDDING AROUND.

HE DIDN'T OPEN THE STATE OF THE STATE OF

UNION WITH AN AL GREENE SONG.

HE SHOULD HAVE, THOUGH.

>> FOR THE FIRST TIME TWO

DECADES, OSAMA BIN LADEN IS NOT

A THREAT TO THIS COUNTRY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: YOU OPEN WITH "I

KILLED BIN LADEN"?

YOU OPEN WITH THAT?

"HEY, EVERYBODY, HOW YOU DOING?

YOU HAVING A NICE NIGHT?

I (BLEEP)ING KILLED BIN LADEN

EXPWRNCHTS I KILLED HIM!"

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DOES RICK SPRINGFIELD OPEN WITH

JESSE'S GIRL?

NO!

HE OPENS WITH "I'VE DONE

EVERYTHING FOR YOU" AND

TRANSITIONS TO "DON'T TALK TO

STRANGERS" SLOWS IT DOWN WITH

"AFFAIR OF THE HEART" AND THEN

WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN'T GET ANY

MORE (BLEEP)ING BEAUTIFUL

"JESSE'S GIRL"!

AND THE PLACE GOES NUTS!

IT GOES NUTS!

(APPLAUSE)

SORRY.

SORRY.

IT WAS THE GREATEST NIGHT OF MY

LIFE.

(LAUGHTER)

ANYWAY, WHERE WAS I?

STATE OF THE UNION.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KILLED BIN LADEN,

WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

>> WASHINGTON IS BROKEN.

SEEMS TO GET WORSE EVERY YEAR.

SOME OF THIS HAS TO DO WITH THE

CORROSIVE INFLUENCE OF MONEY IN

POLITICS.

THE WAY CONGRESS DOES ITS

BUSINESS THESE DAYS.

WHO BENEFITED FROM THAT FIASCO?

LOWER THE TEMPERATURE IN THIS

TOWN.

NO SIDE ISSUES, NO DRAMA.

THE OPPONENTS OF ACTION ARE OUT

OF EXCUSES.

SO FAR YOU VICE PRESIDENT ACTED.

>> Jon: WELL, I GUESS WHAT I'M

SAYING, PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM

COULDN'T GET LAID IN A WHORE

HOUSE.

(LAUGHTER)

IN A BAG FILLED WITH (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

HOPE AND CHANGE 2012.

CUE THE "ROCKY" THEME.

"I KILLED BIN LADEN!"

WAIT, IF EVERYBODY THERE SUCKS,

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET THE

VOTERS ON YOUR SIDE?

PERHAPS YOU BROUGHT SOMETHING IN

YOUR GOODY BAG, SANTA?

>> WE'RE PROVIDING NEW TAX

CREDITS TO COMPANIES THAT HIRE

VETS.

IF YOU'RE AN AMERICAN

MANUFACTURER YOU SHOULD GET A

BIGGER TAX CUT.

IF YOU'RE A HIGH-TECH MEFERRER

WE SHOULD DOUBLE THE TAX

DEDUCTION YOU GET.

EXTEND THE TUITION TAX CREDIT WE

STARTED.

EXPAND TAX RELIEF TO SMALL

BUSINESSES.

PASS CLEAN ENERGY TAX CREDITS.

CREATE THESE JOBS.

(APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: MY GOD, HE'S TAX

CREDIT OPRAH!

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU GET A TAX CREDIT!

YOU GET A TAX CREDIT!

EVERYBODY GETS A TAX CREDIT!

AND THEN JOHN TRAVOLTA'S

COMING!"

WOW, OBAMA WAS KILLING IT!

I MEAN, NOTHING COULD STOP HIS

MOMENTUM.

>> WE GOT RID OF ONE RULE FROM

40 YEARS AGO THAT COULD HAVE

FORCED SOME DAIRY FARMERS

130-TO-SPEND $10,000 A YEAR

PROVING THAT THEY COULD CONTAIN

A SPILL BECAUSE MILK WAS SOMEHOW

CLASSIFIED AS AN OIL.

AND WITH A RULE LIKE THAT, I

GUESS IT WAS WORTH CRYING OVER

SPILLED MILK.

>> Jon: BY THE WAY, AS INTHOB

DOES COMEDY FOR A LIVING, BEEN

THERE.

AND I CAN TELL YOU FROM

EXPERIENCE, THE WORST PART ISN'T

THE CROWD'S REACTION-- IT'S THE

WIFE'S.

>> WITH A RULE LIKE THAT, I

GUESS IT WAS WORTH CRYING OVER

SPILLED MILK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, WHAT THAT

FACE SAYS?

THAT FACE SAYS "(BLEEP)ING TOLD

YOU THAT WASN'T FUNNY.

I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T FUNNY."

(LAUGHTER)

SPILLED MILK IS NOT FUNNY.

NOT FUNNY TO ME, NOT FUNNY TO

CHILDREN, IT'S NOT A JOKE.

FOR ME, CUT ATRY THE AUDIENCE

REACTIONS IS HALF THE FUN OF THE

STATE OF THE UNION.

CLEARLY THE DIRECTOR HAS GOTTEN

AN ADVANCE COPY OF THE SPEECH SO

HE CAN TIME EACH SHOT.

WHEN OBAMA MENTIONED STEVE JOBS,

BOOM, CUT AWAY TO MRS. JOBS.

MENTIONS TRANSPORTATION CUTS?

SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION.

WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE

MENTIONS ISRAEL.

>> OUR IRONCLAD COMMITMENT-- AND

I MEAN IRONCLAD-- TO ISRAEL'S

SECURITY HAS MEANT THE CLOSEST

CORPORATION BETWEEN OUR TWO

COUNTRIES IN HISTORY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YOU MENTION ISRAEL AND

THEY CUT TO ME, CHUCK SCHUMER?

I MEAN, THERE'S LIEBERMAN,

THERE'S LAUTENBERG, THERE'S

LEVIN, THAT'S JUST THE "L" JEWS.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN... I MEAN, I'M A JEW, I'M

NOT "THE" JEW.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S LIKE THE GOLDEN GLOBES

WHERE ANY TIME ANYONE MENTIONED

BLACK PEOPLE...

>> OUR NEXT PRESENTER IS BRITISH

LIKE ME.

WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT HIM IS

HE'S VERY RACIST.

VERY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: WAIT, WAIT, WHERE'S

THE CAST OF "THE HELP"?

ANYWAY, I DON'T ENVY THE

PRESIDENT'S ROLE OF THE STATE OF

THE UNION.

THERE'S VERY IT WILL THAT WILL

CAN UNITE THIS VERY DIVIDED

CONGRESS.

GREEN TAX CUTS GET APPLAUSE FROM

DEMOCRATS.

EXPANDED OIL DRILLING GETS IT

FROM REPUBLICANS.

VERY LITTLE TO BRING THEM TO...

WELL, ONE THING, ACTUALLY.

>> AMERICA IS DETERMINED TO

PREVENT IRAN FROM GETTING A

NUCLEAR WEAPON AND I WILL TAKE

NO OPTIONS OFF THE TABLE TO

ACHIEVE THAT GOAL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: WOW.

WHEN DID A NEW WAR IN A MIDDLE

EAST COUNTRY BECOME THE AMERICAN

PRESIDENTIAL EQUIVALENT OF... I

DON'T KNOW, THIS.

>> HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE ALL

GONNA GET

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