Lockup Everyone

  • Aired:  01/03/12
  •  | Views: 107,869

The last thing Barack Obama did in 2011 was sign a bill that eliminates due process for anyone suspected of terrorism in America. (6:44)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

WE HAVE BEEN DISCUSSING THE

REPUBLICAN RACE TO THE WHITE

HOUSE.

BUT WHAT OF THE MAN THEY ARE ALL

CLAMORING TO REPLACE?

ONE MILLARD FILLMORE.

WAIT, HOW OLD IS THIS SCRIPT?

ALL RIGHT.

BARACK OBAMA.

AH, BARACK OBAMA.

OOH.

OOH.

(LAUGHTER)

THE SOCIALIST MUSLIM KENYAN

CHRISTIAN.

(LAUGHTER)

I WONDER WHAT PERMANENT DAMAGE

HE'S DONE TO OUR COUNTRY FROM

HIS LABORATORY OF POWER GRABBING

THAT HE INHABITS BETWEEN THE

SMALL WINDOW BETWEEN CHRISTMAS

AND NEW YEAR'S.

HE'S SO DANGEROUS.

>> IN HIS LAST OFFICIAL ACT OF

THE YEAR, A VACATIONING

PRESIDENT OBAMA SIGNED THE $662

BILLION MILITARY SPENDING BILL

IN HAWAII.

>> IT ALLOWS THE MILITARY TO

INDEFINITELY DETAIN TERROR

SUSPECTS, INCLUDING AMERICAN

CITIZENS IN THE U.S.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: I WAS KIDDING.

I WAS IRONICALLY PORTRAYING A

CHARACTER WHO BELIEVE IT IS

PRESIDENT IS EXERCISING

EXECUTIVE POWER IN AN

UNWARRANTED FASHION CREATING

HUMOR THROUGH THE JUXTAPOSITION

OF (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

SO THE LAST THING THE PRESIDENT

DID IN 2011 WAS SIGN A BILL THAT

PRETTY MUCH DOES AWAY WITH DUE

PROCESS FOR ANYONE SUSPECTED OF

TERRORISM IN AMERICA?

NO WONDER HE SIGNED IT ON NEW

YEAR'S EVE.

THE ONE NIGHT THE MEDIA'S MOST

TENACIOUS REPORTER, MR. KEEPING

THEM HONEST, WOULD BE COMPLETELY

DISTRACTED.

(LAUGHTER)

ANDERSON COOPER COULDN'T KEEP

THE PRESIDENT HONEST.

HE COULDN'T EVEN KEEP KATHY

GRIFFIN'S SHIRT ON.

(LAUGHTER)

STILL, I CANNOT BELIEVE BARACK

OBAMA SIGNED THE PROVISION.

>> THE PRESIDENT SIGNED IT

RELUCTANTLY.

>> Jon: OH.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, NOW I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT AS LONG AS HE

SIGNS THE BILL ALLOWING FOR

AMERICANS' INDEFINITE DETENTION

WHILE SIGHING...

(LAUGHTER).

PERHAPS HE INCLUDED AN

APPROPRIATE EMOTICON WITH HIS

SIGNATURE.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, I'M SORRY, I DON'T WANT YOU

TO NOT HAVE A LAWYER BUT...

(LAUGHTER).

ACTUALLY, WHEN SIGNING THE BILL,

THE PRESIDENT ISSUED A SIGNING

STATEMENT.

THE PRESIDENTIAL EXPRESSION OF

OBJECTION OR INTERPRETATION

WHICH SAID IN PART "ALTHOUGH

THIS BILL AUTHORIZES THE

GOVERNMENT TO DETAIN AMERICANS

INDEFINITELY..." I'LL LET HIM

FINISH.

>> MY ADMINISTRATION WILL NOT

AUTHORIZE THE INDEFINITE

MILITARY DETENTION WITHOUT TRIAL

OF AMERICAN CITIZENS.

>> Jon: WHOO!

SEE, PRESIDENTS CAN-- BUT HE

WON'T-- WHICH IS GREAT SINCE

HE'LL ALWAYS BE PRESIDENT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> HI, JON, HOW ARE YOU?

>> Jon: I KNOW THAT VOICE.

>> IT'S ME!

GITMO!

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD, GITMO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> HELLO!

JON, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE BOY BAND?

>> Jon: UM, I GUESS I'M A NEW

KIDS ON THE BLOCK KIND OF GUY.

BUT SINCE THEY STARTED A

SUPERGROUP WITH THE BACK STREET

BOYS I'M NOT SURE... WAIT, WHY

DO YOU CARE?

>> GITMO WANTS TO KNOW WHAT

POSTER TO HANG IN YOUR CELL!

YOUR.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: I GET IT.

YOU THINK BECAUSE OF THE NEW LAW

ANYONE CAN BE ARRESTED FOR BEING

A TERRORIST.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO

HAPPEN, GITMO.

>> RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

JUST LIKE IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN

TO FUZZY RED CAB DRIVER WHOSE

STUDENT VISA EXPIRED.

GITMO WAS ONLY SIX CREDITS AWAY

FROM DOCTORATE.

LA, LA, LA, LA.

>> Jon: WHAT WAS THAT, GITMO?

>> THAT'S...

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: AH.

AH.

I WAS JUST LIP SYNCING.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT, GITMO, THE NEW LAW

GUARANTEES THAT DETAINEES WILL

HAVE THEIR CASES PERIODICALLY

REVIEWED.

>> YEAH.

EVERY THREE YEARS.

SO ONLY 36 MORE MONTHS TILL

GITMO GETS TO TAKE WINDOWLESS

BUS RIDE TO WINDOWLESS BUILDING.

(LAUGHTER)

YAY!

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: HEY, MAN.

YOU NEVER KNOW.

MAYBE SOMEDAY THEY'LL FIND

EVIDENCE THAT WILL SET YOU FREE.

>> YES.

MAYBE ONE DAY HAND SOME YOUNG

LAWYER WILL FIND DUSTY FILE

BEHIND CABINET.

MAYBE FILE WILL PROVE GITMO JUST

INNOCENT CAB DRIVER.

MAYBE STORY INSPIRE MOVIE

STARRING RYAN GOSLING AS LAWYER.

(LAUGHTER)

AND ZOE SALDANA AS STERN YET

SEXY JUDGE.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT MOVIE WILL

BE CALLED.

MOVIE WILL BE CALLED "IT'S NEVER

GONNA (BLEEP)ING HAPPEN."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: I'M SORRY, GITMO.

I FEEL FORYOU.

I FEEL FOR YOU, GITMO.

BUT, YOU KNOW, THE PRESIDENT'S

SIGNING STATEMENT SAID THAT HE

WASN'T GOING TO USE THIS LAW TO

ROUND UP U.S. CITIZENS.

>> RIGHT.

OH, NEW FRIEND!

>> HOW DO YOU DO, JOHNNY BEEF

STEW?

>> Jon: OH, MY GOSH!

MICHAEL STEELE!

FORMER REPUBLICAN CHAIRMAN

MICHAEL STEELE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN GAN TAN

KNOW, PRISON.

>> I'M NOT AL B. SURE.

ONE MINUTE I'M ON MY PHONE

BUYING PLANE TICKETS TO DUBAI

TELLING MY TRAVEL AGENT I WANT

TO STAY AT THAT GIANT HOTEL FROM

"MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE."

BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS THE

BOMB.

NEXT THING I KNOW, THE F.B.I.'S

KICKING DOWN MY DOOR AND HEAR I

AM CHILLAXING IN KOKOMO.

I GUESS THEY THOUGHT I WAS

PLOTTING SOMETHING IN ARA-BIBBLE

ISN'T THAT RIBIBBULOUS?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S

TERRI-BIBBLE.

>> STILL, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,

MORE PEOPLE WILL SEE ME HERE

THAN WHEN I WORKED AT MSNBC,

HONEYBEE.

>> Jon: .

>> AND YOU MADE A NEW FRIEND.

FRIENDS FOREVER.

>> NO!

NO!

YOU'VE GOT TO GET ME OUT OF

HERE, PAUL REVERE!

OH!

>> Jon: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEER

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