Sequest Out

  • Aired:  03/04/13
  •  | Views: 92,747

Democrats and Republicans prove unable to avoid their self-designed mutual ball punch. (3:16)

["DAILY SHOW" THEME SONG PLAYING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

BIG SHOW TONIGHT!

OH, THE ACTOR PAUL HAVE YOU HAD HERE.

LET ME GUESS YOU MADE ANOTHER (bleep) MOVIE AND IT'S REALLY (bleep) GOOD.

GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A CHANCE.

ANYWAY -- WAIT A MINUTE -- WHERE IS MY PEN?

[LAUGHTER]

I SPECIFICALLY REMEMBER APPLYING FOR A FEDERAL GRANT FOR A PEN --

[LAUGHTER]

-- WHERE IS MY PEN?

IT'S OFFICIAL.

>> THE SEQUESTRATION HAS ARRIVED.

>> $85 BILLION IN AUTOMATIC GOVERNMENT SPENDING CUTS.

>> Jon: DAMMIT!

[LAUGHTER]

THE FIRST PENALTY OF THE SEQUESTER, MY FEDERAL PEN PROGRAM.

FAKE THING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE SEQUESTER IS HERE.

THE ARBITRARY BUDGET CUTS THAT WERE SO ONUS CONGRESS WOULD NEVER ALLOW THE SEQUESTER TO

TAKE EFFECT.

REMEMBER?

>> IT WAS UGLY.

IT WAS DESIGNED TO BE UGLY.

>> ONEROUS AND UNDESIRABLE AND IT REMAINS OUR VIEW IT'S NO WAY TO GO.

>> NO WAY IT CAN HAPPEN.

>> AUTOMATIC TRIGGERS ARE SET UP TO BE SO PAINFUL WE DON'T HAVE TO GET TO THAT POINT.

>> IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.

>> Jon: OF COURSE IT WILL N .T.

DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS WOULD HAVE TO BE NOT TO GOAT TO THIS BALL PUNCH IT'S LIKE DENNIS

RODMAN IN NORTH KOREA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, OR THE HOTTEST SHOW IN THE COUNTRY BEING ABOUT DUCK CALL MANUFACTURING.

BY THE WAY, EVEN THOUGH COMING UP WITH THE MOST BASIC OF SPENDING CUT AND TAX REVENUE

FRAMEWORKS WAS BEYOND THE SKILL LEVEL OF THIS CONGRESS THERE WAS ANOTHER WAY TO COMPLETELY AVOID

THE ARBITRARY CUTS.

>> WE WILL BE AMONGST THE FIRST ON THE FLOOR TO NULLIFY THAT PROVISION.

SCONG NOT BOUND BY THIS.

IT'S SOMETHING WE PASSED.

WE CAN REVERSE IT.

>> I THINK WE'LL BYPASS THE TRIGGER MECHANISM.

WE'LL SAY TIME OUT IT DOESN'T APPLY.

>> Jon: ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS GO -- I GET I. PASSING A BUDGET CAN BE HARD BUT TIME OUT

(bleep) IS EASY.

THAT'S WHY THE FOUNDERS IN THEIR INFINITE WISDOM GAVE CONGRESS THREE TIMEOUTS PER LEGISLATIVE

SESSION AND ONE NOT IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IT STILL HAPPENED.

BECAUSE CONGRESS AS ALWAYS ITS INFINITE WISDOMMING FORGOT HOW (bleep) INCOMPETENT THEY ARE.

IT WAS LIKE THEY TIED A BELT AROUND THE NECK AND LOOPED IT OVER THE SHOWER CURTAIN IN THE

HOPES THAT THIS PRESSURE WOULD SOMEHOW HEIGHTEN THE SENSATION OF GETTING SOMETHING DONE.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HERE IS THE THING.

HERE IS THE THING THAT COULDN'T DIDN'T REALIZE.

HERE IS THE THING ABOUT AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION.

EVERYBODY THINKS THEY CAN PULL IT OFF UNTIL THEY CAN'T.

NOW IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS AND THE MAIL IS STARTING TO PILEUP OUTSIDE CONGRESS AND WE'RE

LOOKING AT A

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