Democalypse 2014 - The Battle Hymn of the Republicans

  • Aired:  08/06/14
  •  | Views: 62,816

Alison Lundergan Grimes blasts her opponent Mitch McConnell at Kentucky's annual Fancy Farm Picnic, and Rand Paul recites an original limerick. (8:44)

>> Jon: WELCOME.

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE GOT A SHOW TONIGHT.

WU-TANG CLAN IS GOING TO BE ONTONIGHT.

THE WU!

HISTORY IN THE MAKING.

I MEAN, I GOT TO TELL YOU, IF MYNAME WAS JASON AND I WASN'T

HERE, I WOULD BE VERY UPSETABOUT THIS SHOW.

BUT WE'RE WISHING YOU THE BEST,JASON.

GET HOME SAFE AND THEN COME ANDSEE WU TANG WITH US.

BUT BEFORE WE GET TO THAT, WHICHHISTORY IN THE MAKING, POLITICAL

PRIMARY SEASON STILL HAPPENING.

AND LAST NIGHT HUGE NEWS RESULTSIN THE G.O.P.'S TEA PARTY VERSUS

ESTABLISHMENT CIVIL WAR, THATHAS BEEN PITTING YOUNG,

HARDLINE, RIGHT-WING TEA PARTYOBSTRUCTIONISTS AGAINST OLDER

ONES.[LAUGHTER]

IT'S THE SUBJECT TONIGHT'SDEMOCOLYPSE 2014: BATTLE HYMN

OF THE REPUBLICANS.

A NUMBER OF PRIMARY VOTESYESTERDAY, FOREMOST AMONG THEM,

KANSAS, THREE-TERM CONSERVATIVESENATOR -- THAT'S NOT HIM -- PAT

ROBERTS -- THAT'S HIM!

HE RISKED DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OFHIS OWN REAL ESTATE DECISIONS.

>> "THE NEW YORK TIMES" REVEALEDHE DOES NOT HAVE A HOME ADDRESS

IN KANSAS.

>> HIS VOTING ADDRESS IN THESTATE IS ON A COUNTRY CLUB GOLF

COURSE.

>> ROBERTS SPENT JUST A TOTAL OF97 DAYS IN THE STATE OF KANSAS

BETWEEN JULY 2011 AND AUGUST2013.

>> Jon: 97 DAYS OVER -- I'MPRETTY SURE THERE ARE INDIVIDUAL

TORNADOES THAT HAVE SPENT MORETIME IN KANSAS THAN 97 DAYS.

SENATOR ROBERTS, YOUR DEFENSE?

>> WHY DON'T YOU LIVE HERE,THOUGH?

>> EVERY TIME I GET AN OPPONENT-- I MEAN, EVERY TIME I GET

CHANCE, I'M HOME.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

>> Jon: TRUTH IS I ONLY COMETO THIS [BLEEP] HOLE WHEN I HAVE

TO.

WOW, THAT WASN'T A FREUDIANSLIP, THAT WAS A FREUDIAN STAGE

DIVE.

THE ONLY WAY THAT COULD HAVEBEEN MORE FREUDIAN IS IF ROBERTS

BLURTED OUT THAT HE AVOIDS THESTATE BECAUSE HIS HOT MOM LIVES

THERE.[LAUGHTER]

IT'S GOING TO BE HARD TO GO TOSLEEP TONIGHT.

IT SEEMS LIKE ROBERTS'S AGONER.

HITS ONLY HOPE IS HISCHALLENGER, MILTON WOLF, TEA

PARTY RAIDOLOGIST, TURNS OUT TOBE SOME SORT OF TWISTED

SOCIOPATH.

>> MILTON WOLF ISSUED ASTATEMENT SUNDAY ADMITTING HE

MADE INSENSITIVE COMMENTS AFTERPOSTING SOME GRUESOME X-RAY

IMAGES OF GUNSHOT VICTIMS OF HISFACEBOOK PAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: PAT ROBERTS, YOU ARE ONELUCKY SON OF A BITCH.

>> WOLF WROTE THAT AN X-RAY OFMAN DECAPITATED BY GUNFIRE

RESEMBLED A WOUND ALIEN IN A"TERMINATOR" FILM.

>> Jon: THAT'S [BLEEPED]OUTRAGEOUS.

FORGET ABOUT INSENSITIVITY.

HOW DO YOU ELECT A GUY WHOTHINKS TERMINATORS ARE ALIENS?

THEY'RE NOT.

THEY'RE TIME-TRAVELING CYBORGS.

THEY WERE MADE ON EARTH IN OURFUTURE.

DID YOU EVEN SEE THE [BLEEPED]MOVIE?

THAT IS DISQUALIFYING.

[APPLAUSE]I'M SORRY.

THANKFULLY IN A VICTORY FORNERDS EVERYWHERE, SENATOR

ROBERTS DEFEATED MR. "I CAN'T BEBOTHERED WITH THE DETAILS OF

CINEMA'S GREATEST ALTERNATEFUTURE SCI-FI THRILLER SERIES."

FROM THE PRIMARIES, WE MOVE ONTO THE GENERAL ELECTION,

AND ONE OF THIS YEAR'S CLOSESTWATCHED SENATE RACES.

IN KENTUCKY, NAMED FOR ITSLUBE-STREWN HILLS AND MOUNTAINS,

AND WHERE 134-YEAR-OLD POLITICALTRADITION CONTINUES.

>> 15,000 POLITICAL ACTIVISTS,CANDIDATES AND VOTERS, IN WHAT

IS T MOST UNFORGETTABLECAMPAIGN SPECTACLE KENTUCKY

HAS TO OFFER, THE ANNUAL FANCYFARM PICNIC IS UNDER WAY.

>> Jon: FANCY FARM PICNIC,THEY DON'T SERVE FANCY FEAST AT

THIS FARM, DO THEY?

BECAUSE NOT THEY WOULDN'T LOVETO SEE MITCH McCONNELL EATING

CAT FOOD FROM A CRYSTAL BOWL,HASHTAG "CAT-CONNELLING," NOT

SURE THAT'S GOING TO CATCH ON.

THE FANCY FARM IS A RAMBUNCIOUSAFFAIR WHERE CANDIDATES ARE

ENCOURAGED TO ROAST EACH OTHERFROM THE PODIUM.

LET'S HEAR FROM McCONNELL'SCHALLENGER, KENTUCKY SECREATARY

OF STATE, ALISON LUNDERGRANGRIMES.

>> WHEN YOU FINALLY SEE SENATORMcCONNELL ON THE SAME STAGE,

YOU REALIZE ONLY ONE OF USBELIEVES WOMEN DESERVE EQUAL PAY

FOR EQUAL WORK.

IF MITCH McCONNELL WERE A TVSHOW, HE'D BE "MAD MEN,"

TREATING WOMEN UNFAIRLY, STUCKIN 1968 AND ENDING THIS SEASON.

>> Jon: AND ALWAYS BUMPING OUTTO END CREDIT WITH AN IRONICALLY

UPBEAT SONG, AND THEN PREVIEWINGNEXT WEEK THE TELLS YOU NOTHING

AND MITCH McCONNELL WOULD AIRSUNDAYS AT 10:00 ON AMC, BUT NOT

NOW BECAUSE THEY'RE ON AMID-SEASON HIATUS, WHICH IS

SOMETHING AMC DOES LIKE WITH"BREAKING BAD."

ANYWAY, MY POINT IS THIS: MITCHMcCONNELL IS SIMILAR TO THAT

SHOW.[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT WASN'T GRIMES MATERIALTHAT I LIKED, EVEN THOUGH I DID

LIKE IT, IT WAS SENATORMcCONNELL'S REACTIONS TO HER

MATERIAL.

>> IT'S NOT EASY BEING MITCHMcCONNELL.

AFTER THREE DECADES INWASHINGTON, YOU'VE JUST GIVEN

UP.

I INTEND TO HOLD YOUACCOUNTABLE, AND I DON'T NEED

HOUND DOGS TO TRACK YOU DOWN.

THANK YOU.

>> Jon: HE DOESN'T EVEN MOVE.

NOT, NOT A SINGLE TWITCH,NOTHING.

EITHER MITCH McCONNELL HAS,THROUGH YEARS LONG PRACTICE OF

CONTROLLED BREATHING AND ZENMEDITATION ACHIEVED A DEEP,

METABOLISM SLOWING TRANSSTATE ORTHAT MAN IS DEAD INSIDE.

BROTHER, SHE'S RIPPING YOU TOSHREDS.

BLINK.

HIS REACTIONS ARE SOINSCRUTABLE, YOU COULD USE THEM

FOR ANYTHING.

>> WHAT'S IN THE BOX.

WHAT'S IN THE BOX?

OH, GOD.

>> Jon: OR...

>> HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE ALLGOING TO GET LAID!

>> Jon: OR, I SURE WOULD LIKETHE HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS.

[LAUGHTER]FOLLOWING A GOLF MATCH.

YEP.

WELL, WE'VE HEARD GRIMES THROWDOWN.

YOUR MOVE, McCONNELL.

>> OBAMA WOULDN'T GO DOWN TO THEBORDER.

HE SAID HE DIDN'T LIKE PHOTOOPS.

HE'S TAKEN MORE SELFIES THANFLAT STANLEY.

>> Jon: FLAT STANLEY DOESN'TTAKE SELFIES.

FLAT STANLEY IS A PIECE OFPAPER.

[LAUGHTER]MR. STANLEY ASKS SECOND PARTIES

TO TAKE THOSE PHOTOS ON HISBEHALF.

THEY'RE NOT SELFIES.

WHAT THE [BLEEPED] IS WITH YOUGUYS.

THANK GOD KENTUCKY'S OTHERSENATOR RABID PAUL STOPPED BY TO

RESTORE SOME DIGNITY TO THEPROCEEDINGS.

>> THERE ONCE WAS A WOMAN FROMKENTUCKY...

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: IF YOU SAY WHOSE[BLEEPED] WAS SO LONG SHE COULD

SUCKY, I-I WILL MAKE YOU THE NEWPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

>> THERE ONCE WAS A WOMAN FROMKENTUCKY, WHO THOUGHT IN

POLITICS SHE'D BE LUCKY.

SO SHE FLEW TO L.A. FOR AHOLLYWOOD BASH.

SHE CAME HOME IN A FLASH WITHBUCKETS OF CASH.

ONE THING THAT WE KNOW IS TRUE,ONE THING WE KNOW IS GUARANTEED,

SHE'D CAST HER FIRST VOTE FORHARRY REID.

>> Jon: THERE ONCE WAS A MANNAMED RAND PAUL.

HIS LIMERICK SKILLS SUCKED MYBALLS.

HIS COIF WAS SO CURLY, HIS PROSEMADE ME SURLY --

BALLS, BALLS, BALLS, BALLS.

HEY, I WONDER HOW SENATORMcCONNELL LIKED MY POEM.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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