Sh*tzkrieg - Anarchy in the U.K.

  • Aired:  08/09/11
  •  | Views: 100,361

In some still credit-worthy AAA countries, the third A now apparently stands for "arson." (5:23)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW," MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US!

WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW THAT WE

HAVE PREPARED IT FOR YOU WITH...

LOVE.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, JAY BAHADUR,

AUTHOR OF "THE PIRATES OF

SOMALIA."

BY THE WAY, "PIRATES OF

SOMALIA," WORST DISNEY LAND RIDE

EVER.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S A SMALL WORLD, PIRATES

OF...

(LAUGHTER).

BUT BEFORE WE GET TO THAT,

RECENT WEEKS HAVE SEEN SUCH

DISCORD AND STRIFE HERE IN OUR

UNITED STATES.

OUR STAGNATING ECONOMY AND...

WHAT'S A WORSE WORD THAN

"STAGNATING" FOR A BROKEN

POLITICAL SYSTEM?

(BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S COST US OUR A.A.A. CREDIT

RATING.

BUT BEFORE WE GET TOO DOWN,

REMEMBER THAT IN SOME STILL

CREDIT-WORTHY COUNTRIES THE

THIRD "A" NOW APPARENTLY STANDS

FOR "ARSON."

LONDON IS ON FIRE!

DEAR GOD!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OVER

IN BRITAIN?

PLEASE TELL ME THE CLASH

REUNITED AND THEY'RE SHOOTING A

NEW ALBUM COVER?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

PLEASE?

WAIT, I'M... HOLD ON.

I'M BEING TOLD THAT IT'S NOT THE

CASE.

>> NEW VIOLENCE AND NEW FIRES

ARE BREAKING OUT AFTER A WEEKEND

OF MAYHEM.

>> FOR A THIRD TERRIBLE NIGHT

LONDON BURNS.

>> RIOTS IN BRITAIN SPREADING

BEYOND LONDON TO THREE OTHER

CITIES.

>> IT'S BEING CALLED THE BATTLE

FOR LONDON.

>> IT'S BEING CALLED MINDLESS

VIOLENCE.

>> Jon: IT'S BEEN CALLED THE

HOODIE BLITZ.

(LAUGHTER)

THE REGRETTABLE HULLABALOO.

(LAUGHTER)

BEEF YELLINGTON.

(LAUGHTER)

AND, SHOCKINGLY, A RIGHT SODDING

FUSTER IN THE GOOLIES.

(LAUGHTER)

THE RIOTS...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU LIKE THAT?

BULLOCKS!

THE RIOTS WERE SPARKED BY A

SUSPICIOUS POLICE SHOOTING OF A

YOUNG MAN BUT AS THEY SPREAD

THROUGH LONDON AND BEYOND BECAME

MORE ROOTED IN PROLETARIAN RAGE.

OR THE DESIRE TO GET THINGS

STORES NORMALLY MAKE YOU PAY

FOR.

(LAUGHTER)

HERE'S WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE

ABOUT AN AN FENWAY PARKKY IN THE

U.K.: EVEN THEIR LOOTERS QUEUE

UP.

(IN AN ENGLISH ACCENT)

"DO YOU MIND IF I GET THAT

TELLLY?

AFTER YOU."

HOW BAD HAS THE SITUATION

GOTTEN?

>> PRIME MINISTER CAM REASON

CAME BACK FROM VACATION TO

ATTEND TO THIS.

SOME SAY ESHED HAVE DONE THAT A

COUPLE DAYS AGO.

>> WHY DID IT TAKE THREE NIGHTS

OF CONSECUTIVE RIOTS AND

LOOTING?

>> Jon: THREE NIGHTS OF

CONSECUTIVE RIOTING AND LOOTING

WHEN THE ONLY THOUGHT THAT THE

CITY WOULD BURN FOR ONE NIGHT...

(LAUGHTER).

IT'S A MIRACLE.

PERHAPS CAMERON HAS RETURNED TO

CELEBRATE HOOLIGANIKACHUH, THE

FESTIVAL OF FIGHTS.

(LAUGHTER)

I APOLOGIZE, JEWS WILL GO OUT OF

OUR WAY TO CREATE A NEW HOLIDAY.

WE VERY MUCH LIKE STAYING HOME

FROM WORK.

SO TOUGH TIMES IN BRITAIN FOR,

WELL, NEARLY ALL BUSINESSES.

NOT ALL, SOME BUSINESSES.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, SEEING AN EMERGENCY

GLASS REPAIR VAN DRIVING THROUGH

A RIOT-TORN NEIGHBORHOOD RIFE

WITH FLYING ROCKS, NOT THE SAME

WITHOUT MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT.

(PLAYING THE THEME FROM "BENNY

HILL")

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT WHILE EMERGENCY PLATE GLASS

SALES MAY BE BOOMING, THE REST

OF ENGLAND AND, IN FACT, ALL OF

EUROPE'S ECONOMY IS STILL IN

DEEP TROUBLE.

>> FEARS OF LOOMING ECONOMIC

CATASTROPHE IN EUROPE.

>> A CRISIS OVER DEBT IS

ACCELERATING THROUGHOUT THE

EUROZONE.

>> INVESTORS ARE SCRAMBLING

STOKED LARGELY BY FEARS THAT

ITALY AND SPAIN ARE TEETERING ON

THE BRINK OF GOING BROKE.

>> Jon: WHAT?

WAIT!

WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)

WHO ARE YOU?

THE DOUBLE PHONE?

THAT'S NOT... WHO'S THAT... YOU

KNOW, THAT'S CLEARLY... TO BE

FAIR, NOT SOMETHING ANYBODY DOES

ON PURPOSE, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE GREAT?

IF THE GUY IN THE DOUBLE PHONE

IS TALKING TO TWO PEOPLE AND IT

HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH STOCK.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S RIGHT, THE KEY TO TURKEY

IS BRINING.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NO, YOU HANG UP.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, YOU HANG UP.

OF COURSE, THERE IS A WAY OUT.

BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE IT.

>> THE ONE TO WATCH HERE IS

REALLY THE GERMAN INDEX.

>> ALL THE EYES ARE ON GERMANY.

WHO'S GOING TO SAVE THE EURO.

>> WHAT YOU ARE SEEING THERE ARE

WORRIES ABOUT TRANSFERS OF

WEALTH FROM GERMANY TO THE OTHER

EUROPEAN COUNTRIES.

>> IT'S ALL ON GERMANY'S

SHOULDERS.

>> Jon: WE NEED GERMANY TO

SAVE EUROPE?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE'RE (BLEEP)ED!

WE'RE TOTALLY (BLEEP)ED!

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WE CAN'T!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HOLD ON.

HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

NO, YOU HANG UP.

(LAUGHTER)

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