Tax Men - Apple

  • Aired:  05/22/13
  •  | Views: 147,381

Senators laud Apple CEO Tim Cook for his amazing products and outside-the-box interpretation of the American corporate tax code. (4:16)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

BUT OF COURSE, THAT WASN'T THE

ONLY I.R.S.-RELATED HEARING ON

THE HILL.

>> APPLES CHIEF TIM COOK FACING

SOME OUTRAGED SENATORS.

>> Jon: FINALLY, SOME

ACCOUNTABILITY FOR APPLE MAPS.

I MEAN, COME ON!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

MAYBE SOME PRISON TIME-- MAYBE

SOME PRISON TIME WILL MAKE THOSE

GUYS THINK TWICE ABOUT DIRECTING

ME TO A CHIPOTLE IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE HUDSON RIVER.

( LAUGHTER )

ACTUALLY, APPLE C.E.O. TIM COOK

WAS CALLED IN TO FACE THE WRATH

OF SENATORS WONDERING HOW APPLE

HAD AVOIDED PAYING TAXES ON $44

BILLION IN INCOME IN THE LAST

FOUR YEARS, IN PART BY STASHING

OVER $100 BILLION IN NEARLY

TAX-FREE OFFSHORE SUBSIDIARIES.

>> I'M VERY PROUD OF APPLE.

>> WE LOVE THE iPHONE AND THE

iPADS.

I GOT ONE RIGHT HERE.

>> YOU'VE McED TO CHANGE THE

WORLD, WHICH IS AN INCREDIBLE

LEGEND.

>> I HARASSED MY HUSBAND UNTIL

HE CONVERTED TO A MAC BOOK.

>> YOUR PRODUCTS ARE GREAT.

>> MY GRANDDAUGHTER EVEN KNOWS

HOW TO USE IT.

>> I LOVE APPLE.

I LOVE APPLE.

>> Jon: I-- I WANT TO

I-( BLEEP ) YOU.

WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF A GENIUS

BAR?

( LAUGHTER )

APPARENTLY, THERE IS NOTHING

APPLE CAN DO TO GET AS MAD AT

THEM.

THEY'RE DODGING TAXES WE CAN

FIND OUT THEY'RE USING KITTEN

HEARTS TO POWER iPHONES.

AND WE'D BE LIKE, "WELL, IF IT

DOUBLES BATTERY LIFE, I'LL TAKE

TWO."

IN FACT, THE HEARING WAS LESS

"WE'RE ANGRY AT YOU FOR BREAKING

CURFEW" AND MORE LIKE, "WHAT

TIME DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD GET

HOME?"

>> IF YOU WERE IN OUR POSITION,

HOW IMPORTANT DO YOU THINK IT IS

THAT WE CHANGE THE TAX CODE?

>> WHAT KEEPS ANOTHER COUNTRY IN

ONE OF THESE EMERGING MARKETS

FROM UNDERCUTTING US?

>> WHAT RATE DO YOU THINK WE

HAVE TO BE AT IF YOU WANT TO BE

COMPETITIVE?

>> DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE

ABLE TO DEDUCT THE INTEREST.

>> Jon: HOW ABOUT?

HOW ABOUT WE PAY YOU FOR THE

INCONVENIENCE OF KEEPING YOUR

MONEY OVERSEAS.

THE UPKEEP MUST BE UNBELIEVABLE,

LIKE HAVING A PONY.

( LAUGHTER )

NOT THAT APPLE C.E.O. TIM COOK

WASN'T HAPPY TO OFFER

SUGGESTIONS.

>> APPLE HAS ALWAYS BELIEVED IN

THE SIMPLE, NOT THE COMPLEX.

IT IS IN THIS SPIRIT THAT WE

RECOMMEND A DRAMATIC

SIMPLIFICATION OF THE CORPORATE

TAX CODE.

>> Jon: I GIVE YOU THE TAX

CODE NANO.

( LAUGHTER )

SO, WHAT WOULD THE NANOENTAIL?

>> ELIMINATE ALL CORPORATE TAX

EXPENDITURES, LOWER CORPORATE

INCOME TAX RATES.

AND IMPLEMENT A REASONABLE TAX

ON FOREIGN EARNINGS THAT ALLOWS

THE FREE FLOW OF CAPITAL BACK TO

THE UNITED STATES.

>> Jon: WOW.

ALL THAT SIMPLIFICATION IN

CLOSING OF LOOPHOLES WOULD BE

GREAT.

UNTIL, OF COURSE, OIL COMPANIES

LOBBY TO MAKE SURE THE R & D

EXPLORATION TAX CREDITS STAY IN

PLACE.

AND AGRAMAKES SURE EQUIPMENT

DEPRECIATION STAYS IN THERE

BECAUSE THAT'S THE RUB OF THIS

ENTIRE EXERCISE.

CORPORATIONS ARE THE ONLY REASON

THE TAX CODE IS SO COMPLICATED

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THOSE OFFSHORE LOOPHOLES DIDN'T

GET CARVED OUT BY POOR PEOPLE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

OUR TAX CODE IS PURPOSEFULLY--

OUR TAX CODE IS PURPOSEFULLY

COMPLEX SO THAT CORPORATIONS

WITH RESOURCES ARE THE ONLY ONES

WHO CAN FIND THE BURIED GOODIES

THEIR OWN LOBBYISTS HAVE HIDDEN

IN THE LABYRINTH.

AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

THINKING-- BUT THIS IS APPLE.

THEY BELIEVE INICISM PLIFT.

( LAUGHTER )

THEY WOULDN'T USE COMPLEXITY,

JUST WHEN IT SUITS THEIR OWN

BUSINESS NEEDS.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

YOU'D AGREE WITH THAT, RIGHT?

DO YOU AGREE?

JUST ( BLEEP ) HIT AGREE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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