IRS - Straight Outta Incompetence

  • Aired:  06/24/14
  •  | Views: 126,146

In an ironic bureaucratic twist, the IRS has difficulty finding the proper documentation that it needs to end the government's scrutiny of the organization. (10:02)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILYSHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW.

OH, IT'S GOOD SHOW.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, JENNIFERESPOSITO.

SHE'S AN ACTRESS, BUT ALSO SHE'SGOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT HER

BOOK. SHE'S GOT WHAT DO YOU CALLIT THERE, CELIAC DISEASE.

IT'S NAMED AFTER A BALLPLAYER,LOU CELIAC.

PLAYED FOR THE NEW YORK YANKEES.

[LAUGHTER]BUT FIRST, YOU KNOW, FOR MOST OF

ITS EXISTENCE, THE IRS WASAMERICA'S FAVORITE GOVERNMENT

AGENCY.

[LAUGHTER]BUT THAT ALL CHANGED AFTER THE

IRS ADMITTED LAST YEAR TOCERTAIN IMPROPRIETIES.

>> TEA PARTY AND OTHERCONSERVATIVE GROUPS THAT ROSE TO

POWER EARLY IN THE PRESIDENT'SFIRST TERM WERE UNFAIRLY

TARGETED FOR SPECIAL SCRUTINY BYTHE I.R.S.

>> Jon: BY THE WAY,WHATEVER YOU THINK OF THE

TEA PARTY MOVEMENT, ITHINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT

THE ONLY GOVERNMENT AGENCY THATSHOULD BE SINGLING

IT OUT FOR SPECIAL SCRUTINY ISTHE FASHION POLICE.

I MEAN, PANTALOONS?COME ON. COME ON. PANTALOONS?

THAT IS SO "BENAJMIN FRUMPLIN."WELL ANYWAY, SINCE THEN IT HAS

BEEN ESTABLISHED THE IRS ALSOTARGETED LIBERAL 501C-4s

BUT NOT WITH THE SAME LEVEL OFSCRUTINY THAT THEY

APPLIED TO THE CONSERVATIVES.SO, THAT'S SOMETHING.

NOW, I KNOW THE RIGHT WANTS THATSOMETHING TO BE THAT PRESIDENT

OBAMA ORDERED THE IRS TO TARGETTHEM WHILE HE SAT IN A DARK ROOM

SMOKING A CIGAR, STROKING ACAT, WHILST AN ORPHAN BOY STANDS

OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN, LOOKINGTHROUGH THE WINDOW SAYING, "WHY?

WHY, MR. PRESIDENT?

WHY."

BUT AS IT TURNS OUT, THERE'SBEEN NO REAL EVIDENCE FOUND THAT

THE WHITE HOUSE IS INVOLVED ANDTHE CAT TURNED OUT TO BE A DOG

AND THE ORPHAN ACTUALLY HASPARENTS AND WAS PUTTING ON A

BRITISH ACCENT. BUTTHE POINT IS THIS.

THESE IRS TROUBLES DO NOT APPEARTO BE THAT.

BUT THEY ARE SOMETHING.

AND THE IRS IS CLEARLY DOINGTHEIR BEST TO CONTINUE TO GIVE

OFF SCANDAL STINK LIKE SOME KINDOF SCARED SCANDAL SKUNK.

[LAUGHTER]WHEN WE LAST LEFT THE IRS, THEIR

OFFICIAL, LOIS LERNER, HAD TAKENTHE FIFTH, RATHER THAN TESTIFY,

IN FRONT OF CONGRESS,SO CONGRESS ASKED THE IRS IF

THEY WOULD BE SO KIND AS TOCLICK THE FORWARD BUTTON ON ALL

OF LOIS LERNER'S E-MAILS.

WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT?

>> THEY SAY THE IRS HAS BEENPROMISING TO GET THEM THESE

E-MAILS FOR A YEAR, AND NOWSUDDENLY SAYS THAT LOIS

LERNER'S COMPUTER CRASHED WAYBACK IN 2011 AND THAT MANY OF

THOSE E-MAILS ARE JUST GONE.

>> WELL, THAT'S IRRITATING.

COMPUTERS DO CRASH.

E-MAILS ARE LOST, BUT TYPICALLYFINDING THAT OUT, THAT

INFORMATION, TAKES LESS TIMETHAN IT TAKES TO GESTATE A

MANATEE.

[LAUGHTER]A YEAR?

COME ON!

WELL, FIRST CONGRESS HAD TO FILLOUT FORM 1218A SUB E-Z.

THAT'S AN E-MAIL REQUISITIONFORM FOR OUR RECORDS.

THEN WE THROW THAT FORM INTO AROOM FILLED WITH CHIMPS.

THEN...

[LAUGHTER]THEN WHAT WE DID IS WE TRAINED

THE CHIMPS TO READ.

[LAUGHTER]SO THINGS WERE LOOKING GOOD.

THAT'S WHEN, UNFORTUNATELY, THECHIMPS UNIONIZED.

SO THAT WAS A WHOLE THING.

BUT FINALLY WE NEGOTIATED ACONTRACT.

FINALLY WE DELIVERED A CONTRACTTHE CHIMPS DIDN'T THROW THEIR

FECES AT.

THE POINT IS E-MAILREQUISITIONS ARE NOW DONE

THROUGH A DIFFERENT FORM, SO IFYOU COULD REAPPLY, ET CETERA, ET

CETERA, ET CETERA.

SO IT IS IN THIS ENVIRONMENTTHAT THE NEW IRS COMMISSIONER

JOHN...REALLY? YOU LIKE THAT?

THE NEW IRS COMMISSIONER,JOHN KOSKINEN,

KOS-KINE-N, KOSKINENI'LL GO WITH, HE COMES BEFORE

CONGRESS TO TESTIFY.

I WONDER IF THEY'RE GOING TO BEDICKS TO HIM.

>> PLEASE RISE TO TAKE THE OATH.

AND RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND.

A LITTLE HIGHER.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: WOW.

THAT WAS EASY.

NOW TURN AROUND AND WIGGLE.SERIOUSLY THOUGH,

WHILE WE ALL MIGHT WANT TO DOTHAT TO THE HEAD OF THE IRS,

WHAT DOES RAISING YOUR HANDHIGHER HAVE TO DO WITH TELLING

THE TRUTH?

UH, I CAN LIE.

WAIT, I CAN LIE.

HOLD ON.

I CAN LIE.

I CAN LIE.

I CAN LIE.

I CAN NO LONGER LIE!

FOR MY HAND IS TOO CLOSE TO GOD.

THAT'S HIM SCRATCHING GOD'SBEARD.

HELLO!

BUT, ALRIGHT.

ENOUGH CATHARTIC PUBLIC SHAMING.

WHERE ARE THE DAMN E-MAILS?

>> THE ACTUAL HARD DRIVE, AFTERIT WAS DETERMINED THAT IT WAS

DYSFUNCTIONAL AND THAT WITHEXPERTS NO E-MAILS COULD BE

RETRIEVED WAS RECYCLED ANDDESTROYED IN THE NORMAL

PROCESS.

>> SO WAS IT PHYSICALLYDESTROYED?

>> THAT'S MY UNDERSTANDING.

>> SO WAS IT MELTED DOWN, DO YOUKNOW?

>> I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THERECYCLER DOES WITH IT.

>> Jon: FOR ALL I KNOW LOISLERNER'S HARD DRIVE WAS GROUND

INTO A FINE DUST, SPRINKLED LIKEPARMESAN ONTO A LASAGNA THAT WAS

SERVED TO THOSE IN THIS VERYCHAMBER.

[LAUGHTER]SO I SAY TO YOU, CONGRESS, IF

YOU WANT TO SEE ALL OF LOISLERNER'S E-MAILS, YOU MUST LOOK

INSIDE YOURSELVES.

OR, OR YOU COULD... OR YOU COULDWAIT.

BY THE WAY, THAT IS A KILLERTHAT GUY IMPRESSION.

THAT I WILL USE FOR THE REST OFMY CAREER.

[LAUGHTER]SO UP UNTIL NOW, THE WHOLE THING

IS ANNOYING.

BUT NOT QUITE GALLING.

HERE'S WHERE IT GETS SOMEWHATGALLING.

>> THE IRS HAS HISTORICALLY ONLYPRESERVED BACK-UP TAPES FOR SIX

MONTHS.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]THE GOVERNMENT AGENCY WHOSE

ENTIRE BUSINESS MODEL RELIES ONFORCING AMERICANS TO LIVE AS

BORDERLINE HOARDERS...

[LAUGHTER]ONLY KEEPS THEIR [BLEEPED] FOR

SIX MONTHS?

NO.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]NO, THAT'S UNACCEPTABLE.

YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER GET A NOTICEFROM THE IRS SAYING PLEASE BRING

YOUR RECORDS DOWN TO US... IFYOU CAN FIND THEM.

I MEAN, THIS IS LIKE IF THEE.P.A. WAS DUMPING ITS OFFICE

TRASH IN THE NATIONAL ZOO'SSPOTTED OWL EXHIBIT.

[LAUGHTER]MEANING IT WOULD BE IRONIC.

BUT EVEN IF THE IRS DELETED THETAPES, WHY CAN'T THEY JUST GET

THE E-MAILS FROM HER INBOX.

SPOILER ALERT: IT'S STUPID ANDPREVENTABLE.

EACH IRS EMPLOYEE'S E-MAIL BOXBACK THEN ONLY HELD 150

MEGABYTES OF INFORMATION.

ALSO KNOWN AS FIVE PICTURES OFYOUR FAMILY.

OR ONE PICTURE OF ANTHONYWEINER'S [BLEEPED].

BOOM!

BOOM!

[BLEEPED][BLEEPED] YEAH.

HE HAS A SOMEWHAT LARGE PENIS.

150 MEGABYTES.

THAT'S 1% OF WHAT GMAIL OFFERSYOU FOR FREE.

AND THAT COMES WITH A GOOGLEPLUS ACCOUNT FOR YOU TO NOT USE.

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, THEFEDERAL GOVERNMENT HAS BUILT AN

ENTIRE COMPLEX IN THE DESERTSOF UTAH TO STORE EVERYTHING

AMERICANS HAVE EVERSAID TO EACH OTHER.

BUT INTERGOVERNMENTCONVERSATIONS?

[LAUGHTER]I DON'T KNOW.

BUY A [BLEEPED] THUMB DRIVE.

IF THERE IS A LARGER SCANDALHERE, IT'S THAT OUR GOVERNMENT'S

HANDLING OF INFORMATION ACROSSALL PLATFORMS BORDERS ON

CRIMINAL IDIOCY.

THE IRS IS FRYING HARD DRIVES,THE V.A. IS DROWNING IN PAPER.

IS THERE ANY RECORD KEEPINGMEDIUM THAT THE GOVERNMENT COULD

USE THAT COULD WORK FOR THEM?

MICROFICHE?

WE'LL DO IT.

STONE TABLETS?

WE'LL DO IT.

WE COULD TAKE A PAGE OUT OF THEANCIENT GREEKS.

WEAVE ALL OF OUR IMPORTANTINFORMATION INTO AN EPIC POEM

AND RECITED ENTIRELYFROM MEMORY, PASSED DOWN

OVER GENERATIONS AS PART OFA FEDERAL ARCHIVAL ORAL

TRADITION FROM BARD TOAPPRENTICE, BUT YOU'D PROBABLY

LOSE THAT [BLEEPED] PAGE.

UNLESS, WAIT A MINUTE, I KNOWWHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

YOU'RE TIRED OF GOVERNING US,AREN'T YOU?

AND SO YOU'RE KIND OF ACTINGLIKE ASSHOLES SO WE BREAK UP

WITH YOU.

WELL, LOOK, I KNOW WE'RE NOTPERFECT AS CONSTITUENTS AND

WE'VE BEEN IN THIS RELATIONSHIPFOR 200 YEARS, PROBABLY TAKE YOU

A LITTLE BIT FOR GRANTED.

WE WANT EVERYTHING AND DON'TWANT TO PAY FOR ANYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]EVERY YEAR ON YOUR BIRTHDAY WE

THROW A HUGE PARTY ANDPRETEND IT'S FOR YOU,

BUT IT'S REALLY JUST A CHANCEFOR US TO GET [BLEEPED] UP

AND STARE AT THE SKY BETWEEN9:00 P.M. AND 9:25.

LOOK, THE POINT IS THIS,GOVERNMENT.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU GET RIGHT,WE'RE STILL GOING TO FIND THAT

ONE THING YOU GOT WRONG AND SIGNA PETITION ABOUT IT.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T NEEDYOU, BABY.

I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THIS:JUST BECAUSE WE'RE TOTALLY

UNREASONABLE DOESN'T MEAN YOUHAVE TO BE TOTALLY INCOMPETENT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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