Words of Warcraft

  • Aired:  03/06/12
  •  | Views: 173,465

With threats and taunts mounting, can we get a responsible party to break up this Iranian-Israeli schoolyard fight before someone gets hurt? (9:08)

ASK

>> JON: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW." MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE HAVE A GREAT ONE FOR YOU TONIGHT.

ACTRESS JULIANNE MOORE IS HERE TONIGHT.

SHE PLAYS A INEXPERIENCED ALASKA GOVERNOR CATAPULTED TO FAME WHEN SHE'S NOMINATED TO BECOME

THE SECOND MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE COUNTRY IT'S BASED A ON A STORY THAT

SHOULDN'T BE TRUE BUT --

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY CHAIR DOESN'T HAVE WHEELS BUT MY ASS DOES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YESTERDAY PRESIDENT OBAMA BROKE OUT THE GOOD CHAIRS TO WELCOME ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER BENJAMIN

BIBI NETANYAHU IN TOWN FOR A QUICK NOSH TO REMIND US THAT WE FACE ANNIHILATION AT THE IRANIANS.�i

>> WHEN IT'S FLYING TO A LOCATION NEAR YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF IT LOOKS LIKE A

DUCK, IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK,

IF IT QUACKS LIKE A DUCK, THEN WHAT IS IT?

WHAT IS IT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S A DUCK.

BUT THIS DUCK IS A NUCLEAR DUCK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> JON: I THINK GOING WITH THE DUCK UNDERCUTS THE URGENCY OF YOUR MESSAGE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NUCLEAR DUCK SOUNDS LIKE THE NAME OF A TERRIBLE ADULT SHOW.

YEAH.

IT HELPS IF YOU ARE HIGH WHEN YOU WATCH IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NETANYAHU HAS CLEARLY RESERVED ISRAEL'S RIGHT TO KILL THIS DUCK EVEN BEFORE IT FLIES SOUTH FOR

THE NUCLEAR WINTER.

YOU REALLY HAVE TO GET A MORE THREATENING ARMAGEDDON METAPHOR THAN DUCK SEEING AS YOURS IS

TAKEN BY AFLAC.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANYWAY IRAN HAS TAKEN NOTICE OF ISRAEL'S FIRST STRIKE THREAT.

>> TOP IRANIAN MILITARY OFFICIAL THREATENED A POSSIBLE REEMENTIVE

STRIKE WARNING, AND I QUOTE, WE DO NOT WAIT FOR ENEMIES TO TAKE

ACTION AGAINST US AND WE'LL USE ALL OUR MEANS TO PROTECT OUR NATIONAL INTEREST.

>> THE ZIONIST REGIME IS A CANCEROUS TUMOR IN THIS REGION AND SHOULD BE CUT AND WILL BE CUT.

>> JON: CANCER.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU, YOU COME OUT WITH IT'S A NUCLEAR DUCK, QUACK, QUACK.

THIS MOTHER (BLEEP) COMES OUT WITH YOU ARE A CANCER.

THIS GUY IS.

GOOD HE IS SUPREME IN FACT.

BECAUSE HE IS SUPREME THAT MEANS HE COMES FROM SOUR CREAM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY POINT IS THIS: ISRAEL AND IRAN ARE TAUNTING EACH OTHER WITH OVERHEATED WAR RHETORIC.

AMERICA, CAN WE GET A RESPONSIBLE PARTY TO BREAK UP THIS SCHOOLYARD FIGHT BEFORE SOMEONE IS HURT.

>> I WOULD BE SAYING TO IRAN,

OPEN UP THE FACILITIES, BEGIN TO DISMANTLE THEM AND MAKE THEM AVAILABLE TOUR INSPECTORS OR

WE'LL DEGRADE THOSE FACILITIES THROUGH AIR STRIKES.

>> IT'S UNEXCUSABLE FOR IRAN TO HAVE A NUCLEAR WEAPON.

WE MEAN THAT.

>> IN A GINGRICH ADMINISTRATION,

WE WOULD NOT KEEP TALKING WHILE THE IRANIANS KEEP BUILDING.

THE RED LINE IS NOW.

>> JON: IN OTHER WORDS SIMMER -- WAIT, WHAT?

OH, RIGHT IT'S AN ELECTION YEAR.

CANDIDATES ARE TALKING TOUGH.

I'M SURE IRAN KNOWS NOT TO TAKE THOSE GUYS LITERALLY.

THEY WOULD KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IRAN, MEET ME AT CAMERA THREE.

HEY, GREETLINGS.

HOW ARE YOU DOING THERE?

LOOK, I KNOW OUR SHOW DOESN'T AIR IN IRAN BUT I ASSUME YOU GET THE TAPE SENT TO YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HERE IS THE THING: YOU PROBABLY BEEN HEARING A LOT OF TALK ABOUT AMERICA AND BOMBS VIS-A-VIS ON YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

UM, LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU WHY WE'RE SAYING THIS.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH FLORIDA SPHZ A REGION IN THE SOUTH UNITED STATES WE FILLED WITH OLD

JEWS AND YOUNG CHRISTIANS.

AND WHOEVER WINS IT, WINS THE PRESIDENCY.

AND IN FLORIDA THEY WOULD LIKE TO BOMB YOU IF THEY COULD.

SO THE TALK OF WAR IS NOT MEANT FOR YOU IT'S MEANT FOR FLORIDA.

IT'S AN ELECTION SEASON THE RHETORIC IS SOMEWHAT DISTORTED HYPERBOLIC, PROBABLY A CULTURAL THING.

>> IRAN IS GETTING READY FOR IMPORTANT DOMESTIC ELECTIONS.

>> Jon: TWO THINGS, ALL RIGHT.

REALLY IRAN, ELECTIONS?

OKAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WINK.

ELECTIONS HAHAHA, IT'S A GOOD ONE, BOSS.

NUMBER TWO, THIS EXPLAINS YOUR RHETORIC.

YOU ARE HAVING AN ELECTION, TOO.

THAT'S WHY YOU ARE SO -- ISRAEL,

MEET ME AT CAMERA TWO.

LISTEN.

OKAY MY THIGHS ARE NOT GOING TO HOLD UP DOING THAT LISTEN,

BETWEEN US, I KNOW BEING CALLED A CANCEROUS ZIONIST TUMOR IS UPSETTING.

BELIEVE ME I USED TO HEAR IT EVERY NIGHT WHEN I WAS DOING STANDUP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I DON'T THINK IRAN IS REALLY GEARING UP TO NUKE TEL AVIV.

IT'S CRAZY OVERBLOWN ELECTION RHETORIC.

AND I DON'T MEAN CRAZIC LIE WAAAAH.

I MEAN LIKE PASSIONATE LIKE THE BEYONCE SONG, CRAZY IN LOVE,

SASHA FIERCE.

HER ALTER EGO.

GARTH BROOKS DID THE ALTER EGO.

NOT THAT WE DON'T HAVE YOUR BACK BUBBY.

WE'RE YOUR WINGMAN AND I DON'T MEAN IT IN A MILITARY FIGHTER JET WAY.

I MEAN IN THE HOMOEROTIC VINCE VAUGHN OWEN WILSON WEDDING CRASHES -- DO YOU GET ANY OF THIS?

ISRAEL AND IRAN ARE -- THE UNITED STATES AND IRAN ARE SLAVE SLAVES TO THINK ERECT --

ELECTORAL CLN DARES RIGHT NOW.

I'M WORKING MY ASS OFF AND ALL YOU DO IS RESPOND TO THE DICK JOKE?

IS THAT WHAT THIS IS.

WE BUILT THIS WHOLE THING.

ELECTION -- HE SAID ERECTION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO NOW HERE IS MY POINT: THE UNITED STATES AND IRAN ARE SLAVES TO THEIR ELECTORAL

CALENDARS RIGHT NOW.

(bleep) THERE YOU HAPPY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S UP TO YOU GUYS NOT TO GET CAUGHT UP AND PERHAPS MUFFLE THE DRUMS OF WAR A LITTLE BIT ISRAEL.

WHAT?

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

NETANYAHU COULD BE CALLING PARLIAMENTARY ELECTIONS AS SOON AS THIS FALL.

SO YOUR OVERHEATED RHETORIC IS PREELECTION SHVANDZ WAVING, TOO?

CAME AARE ONE.

DUDE, IRAN AND ISRAEL ARE IN AN ELECTION YEAR.

HERE OVERHEARING EACH OTHER'S STUMP SPEECHES AND FREAKING OUT.

IF WE'RE NOT CAREFUL THESE TWO DICKHEADS ARE GOING TO DRAG NOOSE A WAR.

I DID SAY DICKHEAD I MEANT RESPECTED ALLY.

I SAID PROUD AND ANCIENT CULTURE WITH MUCH TO TEACH US.

PERSIAN BAKLAVA.

NOT THAT ISRAELI BAKLAVA IS NOT GOOD IT'S QUITE GOOD P. WHAT THE (bleep) IS BAKLAVA?

NOTHING BEATS A DEEP FRIED OREO TWINKIE PIZZA CAKE, RIGHT?

WE EAT TER BLIX WE HAVE TO STOP THIS BEFORE IT GETS OUT OF HAND BECAUSE IF ISRAEL STARTS A WAR

WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO DIVE INTO IT WITH THEM WHICH DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD START A WAR.

I DID COMMIT THE TROOPS TO ISRAEL?

THAT WOULD ONLY STRENGTHEN THE IRANY DICTATORSHIP NOT THAT YOU SHOULD START ONE.

I'M LOSING EVERYBODY.

♪ OH, BEAUTIFUL FOR SPACIOUS SKIES ♪ ♪ HAVENU SHALOM ALEICHEM ♪

♪ HAVENU SHALOM ALEICHEM ♪ ♪ HE'S GOT THE MOVES LIKE JAGGER

HE'S GOT THE MOVES LIKE JAGGERGER IS ♪ ♪ ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

PAPA CAN YOU HEAR ME?

HOW DO I MAKE THIS STOP?

HEY, I DON'T ASK FOR MUCH.

IS THERE ANYWAY COULD YOU CHOOSE A WINNER HERE AND LET THEM KNOW BY MAIL WITHOUT ALL THE BOOM

BOOM JUICE BECAUSE THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO DO THIS UNLESS YOU ARE IN AN

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