Mind the Crap

  • Aired:  07/24/12
  •  | Views: 72,879

London faces security and transportation issues heading into the 2012 Summer Olympics, but all missteps will be forgotten pending an impressive opening ceremony. (6:42)

(bleep) OFF DURING THAT SCENE FOR NO APPARENT REASON WHATSOEVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BEEN A ROUGH RIDE AS OF LATE FOR THE PASTY FRIENDS ACROSS THE POND.

YOU HAD THE BRITISH BANK HAVING TO COME CLEAN WITH THE TERRORIST BUSINESS PARTNERSHIPS.

THE LIBOR RATE RIGGING SCANNEDDAL.

YOU'VE GOT RUSSELL BRAND.

I MEAN, IT'S BEEN TOUGH.

LUCKILY ALL THAT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.

>> WITH JUST DAYS TO GO BEFORE THE LONDON OLYMPICS BRITAIN IS FEELING OLYMPIC FEVER.

>> IT'S THE GREATEST GAMES EVER.

>> Jon: OH, THE GREATEST GAMES EVER THAT, OF COURSE, THE 2012 OLYMPIC MASCOT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHICH IS A BOILED HAM AND A DONALD TRUMP WIG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO I'M BEING TOLD THAT IS ACTUALLY THE MAYOR OF LONDON.

HIS NAME IS BORIS JON AND APPARENTLY HE WAS ON THIS PROGRAM AND WAS VERY NICE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT ACTUALLY BORIS IS RIGHT,

THIS IS A TIME FOR LONDONERS TO BE FILL WITH EXCITEMENT AND WRITTAN TO RAIN SUPREME ONCE MORE.

A PROBLEMS OF SECURITY GUARDS.

>> 24 HOUR WALKOUT BY BODDER GUARDS.

>> TRANSPORTATION NIGHTMARES.

>> Jon: THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE HAS CRASHED KILLING 50, STONE HENG HAS TOPPLED LIKE DOMINOS

AND LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN, I REPEAT LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN.

♪ MY FAIR LADY".

LIKE AN ANGEL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LET'S GO THROUGH THEM ONE BY ONE.

SECURITY, HOW BAD CAN IT BE?

>> ONE POLICE OFFICER TOLD US THAT THE HOTEL WHERE OFFICIALS ARE STAYING THERE WERE SUPPOSED

TO BE 80 GUARDS, TWO SHOWED UP AND WITHIN WAS ARRESTED BECAUSE HE HAD MARIJUANA IN HIS POCKETS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN JOHNNY WAKE AND BAKE IS THE RESPONSIBLE GUARD.

I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT IS IN THE POCKETS OF THE OTHER 78 GUYS WHO DIDN'T SHOW UP.

YOU WANT SPECIAL K?

YOU JUST NEED A GOOD SECURITY TRAINER, A GUY WHO IS GOING WHIP THESE GUYS INTO SHAPE.

>> UNDERCOVER SUN VIDEO SHOWS A SECURITY TRAINER WHO THINKS KNIVES ARE NOT A THREAT.

>> IF YOU HAVE A KNIFE WHAT KIND OF DAMAGE ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT DOING WITH A KNIFE?

YOU CAN MAKE STAB, ONE OR TWO OR THREE PEOPLE.

>> Jon: OLYMPIC ORGANIZERS I HAVE SOMETHING YOU COULD ADD TO THE APPLICATION, A QUESTION

COULD YOU PUT IN THERE?

WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IS THE ACCEPTABLE NUMBER OF ACCEPTABLE NUMBER OF STABBINGS ON YOUR WATCH?

A, ZERO.

B, ANYTHING OTHER THAN ZERO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT.

SO SECURITY IS AN ISSUE.

TRANSPORTATION GRIDLOCK BUT IT'S NOTICE A PROBLEM BECAUSE PUBLIC STRAPTION WHERE LONDON SHINES

ESSENTIALLY THE EAST MIDLAND TRAIN.

ANY ANY LONDONER HE WILL TELL YOU NOTHING BEATS THE OLD EAST MIDLAND TRAIN LINE.

OLIVER COME OUT HERE.

>> YES, WHAT?

>> Jon: LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE FROM LONDON, RIGHT?

>> SURE, YEAH USED TO LIVE THERE, YEAH.

>> Jon: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE EAST MIDLAND TRAIN LINE?

>> NOTHING BEATS THE OLD EAST MIDLAND LINE.

THE MOST RELIABLE WAY OF GETTING FROM CHESH HERE IS-- CHESHIRE TO HUFFINGTON SQUARE.

>> Jon: SO THE EAST MIDLAND LINE.

>> CHEERS.

>> THE DRIVERS ARE GOING ON A THREE DAY OLYMPIC STRIKE ON THE EAST MIDLAND LINES.

>> Jon: WHAT?

HOW DID YOU RUN AN EMPIRE FOR 300 YEARS?

>> HONESTLY, JON, I HAVE NO IDEA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

CHEERS!

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WE HAVE DOGS IN THE OFFICE.

ALL RIGHT.

DON'T WORRY.

ENGLAND, DON'T WORRY.

REMEMBER CHINA BEFORE THE LIMB PICKS THE STADIUMS WEREN'T FINISHED.

THERE WAS APPARENTLY A THREE-MILE TOXIC CLOUD THAT HAD TO BE MOCHED THERE WAS CRITICISM

OF CHINA'S APPALLING HUMAN RIGHTS AND WORKING CONDITIONS BUT THE GAMES BEGAN AND THE

OPENING CEREMONIES STARTED WITH THE CRAZY DRUMMERS AND GLOBAL WALKING AND CALLIGRAPHY AND THE

DANCERS IN BOXES.

EVERYBODY WAS LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF SPORTS LABOR GOT THAT DONE,

GOD BLESS.

-- IF FORCED LABOR GOT THAT DONE, GOSS BLESS BECAUSE THOSE DANCING BOXES DIDN'T MISS A

(bleep) BEAT.

MWAH!

IT WILL BE FORGOTTEN IF YOU PUT ON ONE HELL OF AN OPENING CEREMONY.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

>> IT'S THE BEGINNING OF THE SHOW.

IT'S A REAL MEADOW WITH REAL GRASS, REAL ANIMALS AND IT'S A GREEN AND PLEASANT LAND.

THERE'S A REAL CRICKET GAME GOING ON AND REAL ANIMALS.

BENEATH IT IS A MORE PIT.

THERE'S MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC IN THERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: TWO QUICK THINGS: ONE, I REALLY HOPE THAT IS A SCALE MODEL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF NOT A SCALE MODEL, THE ACTUAL STADIUM FOR THE UPCOMING MOUSE OLYMPICS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, MY D OH, MY -- YOUR THREE YEAR LIFE SPAN MAKES A MOCKERY OF THE COMPETITION.

NUMBER TWO, REALLY BRITAIN?

THE ANSWER TO THE SPECTACLE OF THE CHINA'S 2008 GAMES IS TO LET A FEW SHEEP LOOSE ON THE TELE

TUBBIES SET?

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FROM A COUNTRY WHOSE IDEA OF HONORING THE HONAR.

'S 60th ANNIVERSARY IS DROWNING HER FAMILY.

OH, MY KINGDOM FOR A PONCHO.

WHO DOES ONE HAVE TO (bleep) TO GET A PONCHO.

OH, OH, I'M SORRY, I MEANT

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