Indecision 2012 - Survival of the Funded

  • Aired:  07/21/11
  •  | Views: 120,455

In the herd of Republican candidates, Rick Santorum is a wounded wildebeest, and Newt Gingrich is a spawning salmon. (3:06)

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW." MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, A YOUNG MAN NAMED SCOTT MILLER.

HE IS THE AUTHOR OF A NEW BOOK ON WILLIAM McKINLEY'S ASS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GOING TO ASSUME THAT IS "ASSASSINATION." YOU GOT TO STOP ABBREVIATIONING

AROUND HERE, NOT TO SAY THAT WILLIAM McKINLEY DID NOT HAVE A NOTEWORTHY REAR END.

FOLKS, WE ARE A MERE 15 AND A HALF MONTHS AWAY FROM WHAT WILL DEFINITELY BE CALLED THE MOST

IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIFETIME.

AN INVERITABLE HERD OF REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES HAVE ALREADY BEGUN THE TREACHEROUS

MIGRATORY JOURNEY TO BECOME THEIR PARTY'S NOMINEE.

THEY WILL NEED STRENGTH.

THEY WILL NEED AGILITY.

THEY WILL NEED LUCK.

BUT MOSTLY TO SURVIVE THEY WILL NEED MONEY, [BLEEPED] BOATLOADS OF MONEY.

>> WE HAVE THE NUMBERS BEHIND YOU.

MITT ROMNEY $18.4 MILLION.

PAWLENTY $4.4 MILLION.

BACHMANN THE SAME.

HUNTSMAN $4.2 MILLION.

HERMAN CAIN RAISED $2.5 MILLION.

GINGRICH $2 MILLION.

RICK SANTORY UM NOT SO MUCH,

$500,000.

>> Jon: $500,000 IN THE WAR CHEST.

BUH-BYE.

[LAUGHTER]

SADLY, THAT IMAGE IS STILL ONLY THE SECOND MOST UNPLEASANT IMAGE YOU GET WHEN YOU GOOGLE THE NAME

"SANTORUM." GO AHEAD.

DO IT.

DO IT RIGHT.

NOW I CAN WAIT.

NOW, WHAT ABOUT THAT OLD SILVERBACK, NEWT GINGRICH.

BY THE WAY, THAT'S NOT A WILDLIFE METAPHOR.

HE STOPPED SHAVING HIS BACK WHEN HE LEFT CONGRESS.

>> NEWT GINGRICH, WHAT DID HE HAVE $2.1 MILLION?

THAT'S MORE THAN I THOUGHT HE SHOULD HAVE.

>> THERE SHOULD BE ANS ASTERISK NEXT TO THAT BECAUSE HE'S ACTUALLY $1 MILLION IN DEBT.

>> Jon: OKAY, THERE COULD BE A LITTLE ASTERISK THERE OR YOU COULD CHANGE THE MOTHER TO MINUS

ONE MILLION.

EITHER WAY IT'S A TIP GRAPHICAL ISSUE.

IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT GINGRICH,

UNLESS HE WAS OUT THERE TEN WEEKS AGO TOUTING HIS FISCAL BONA FIDE.

>> I AM DEBT-FREE.

IF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT WAS AS DEBT-FREE AS I AM, EVERYBODY IN AMERICA WOULD BE CELEBRATING.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: ACTUALLY, PER CAPITA,

WE OWE $45,000 PER PERSON, SO THE U.S. GOVERNMENT IS, IN FACT,

IN A LOT LESS DEBT THAN YOU ARE.

[LAUGHTER]

SANTORUM IS A WOUNDED WILDEBEAST, AND GINGRICH IS

Loading...