Black Friday: Flipping the Bird

  • Aired:  11/21/13
  •  | Views: 54,267

Businesses extend Thanksgiving shopping hours, and turkey number 37740 shares its grievances with the world. (4:46)

[ LAUGHTER ]YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THISANYMORE.

LET'S TURN AWAY FROM WASHINGTON.

LET'S TURN TOWARDS THEHOMEFRONT.

NEXT THURSDAY IS A TIME TOGATHER WITH FAMILY, TO

COMMEMORATE THE FEAST THATNATIVE AMERICANS PREPARED FOR A

STRUGGLING PILGRIM SETTLEMENT,THE DAY WE REFER TO AS

THANKSGIVING, AND THE NATIVEAMERICANS REFER TO AS AN

ENORMOUS MISTAKE.

[LAUGHTER]BUT EAT QUICKLY YOU NEED YOUR

STRENGTH.

>> ALMOST ALL THE BIG STORESOPENING EARLIER THAN EVER.

K-MART OPENS AT 6:00 A.M.

>> WAL-MART, JC PENNEY, BIGLOTS, KOHLS OPEN ON

THANKSGIVING.

>> Jon: EVERY STORE VINEGARWORLD OPEN.

DILDO DEPOT OPEN, JUST GERBILSOPEN.

(bleep) A BEAR WORKSHOP?

OPEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]SO IF YOU ARE THINKING I GUESS I

HAVE TO SHOP ALL DAY BUT ONCETHE STORES CLOSE I CAN GO HOME

AND GET A SOLID 15 MINUTES OFTHANKSGIVING IN THINK AGAIN.

>> K-MART OPENING FOR 41 HOURSSTRAIGHT.

>> Jon: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAWHAT THIS MEANS? IF SOMEONE

TRAMPLES YOU FOR A FURBYTHURSDAY MORNING THEY DON'T FIND

YOUR BODY UNTIL FRIDAY NIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, MAYBE THANKSGIVINGHAS BECOME A PREGAME FOR BLACK

FRIDAY BUT AT LEAST THEY CANNOTTAKE AWAY OUR TURKEY.

>> BUTTERBALL WHICH PRODUCES 20%OF ALL U.S. TURKEYS SAYS THERE'S

A SHORTAGE OF FRESH TURKEYS 16POUNDS OR LARGER.

>> Jon: ARE YOU (bleep)KIDDING ME.

IF MY TURKEY IS NOT AT LEAST 16POUNDS WHY AM I HAVE -- I MIGHT

AS WELL EAT A HUMMINGBYRDSTUFFED WITH A SINGLE CROUTON

AND A CRAZEIN.

>> THEY ARE LIMITING THESUPPLIES OF FRESH TURKEYS.

>> THEY ARE NOT SAYING WHY THEBIRDS ARE ACTUALLY SMALLER THIS

YEAR.

>> Jon: HELLO.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD GO TO THESOURCE TO FIND OUT WHAT IS GOING

ON WITH THE TURKEYS.

PLEASE WELCOME TURKEY NUMBER307740 INSPECTED BY NUMBER FIVE.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

HEY, EVERYBODY.

HOW YOU DOING, JON, NICE TO SEEYOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH JON NICE TOSEE YOU.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

TURKEY, LET ME --[LAUGHTER]

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION: WHATIS GOING ON?

WHAT IS THE WEIGHT LOSS?

IS IT A POLITICAL PROTEST?

IS IT BIRD FLU?

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE NEGATIVE?

WHY.

YOU GET HEALTHY YOU TRY TO LIVEYOUR BEST SELF BUT TURKEYS DO IT

AND WE'RE THE BAD GUYS.

(bleep) YOU.

I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE TRYINGTO SLIM DOWN AND LOOK BETTER.

CUT DOWN ON SWEETS, ANTIBIOTICS,YOU KNOW?

I GUESS IT DOESN'T HELP THAT I'MI GUSTACKED IN A CAGE WITH A I'M

THOUSAND OTHER TURKEYSAND WE LIVE IN OUR

OWN (bleep).

I DON'T KNOW.

WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?

WHERE DO YOU THINK I AM YOUPIECE OF (bleep).

I'M AT MY LAWYER'S OFFICE.

WHAT DO YOU NEED A LAWYER FOR?

>> LOOK AT ME.

DOES THIS LOOK NORMAL TO YOU?

I DON'T HAVE A (bleep) HEAD.

I WANT TO SUE ALL YOU PRICKS.

ALL OF YOUS.

SO COLD, WHERE ARE MY FEATHERS.

WHERE ARE MY FEATHERS?

DO I STILL HAVE MY BEAUTIFULFEATHERS?

YOU DO NOT, THEY ARE GONE.

SUING YOU PRICKS IS TOO GOOD FORYOU.

WAIT A SECOND.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

GET BACK HERE.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

WHAT IS GOING ON?

COME HERE YOU MOTHER (bleep).

I'LL SHOW YOU YOU, PRICK, I'LLSHOW YOU WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE

CARVED.

WHERE ARE YOU POINT ME INTHE RIGHT DIRECTION.

I WILL (bleep) CUT YOU LIKE ABITCH.

COME ON.

SON OF A BITCH WHERE ARE YOU?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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