The Hungry Games

  • Aired:  01/20/14
  •  | Views: 79,912

Reported Velveeta and bacon shortages loom over the Super Bowl. (5:46)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]WE'RE LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY

FROM THE BIGGEST SPORTING EVENTOF THE YEAR, SUPER BOWL XLVIII.

UNFORTUNATELY PAST SUPER BOWLSHAVE BEEN PLAGUED BY SHORTAGES

OF NECESSARY SUPER BOWLINGMATERIAL.

>> LOOKING HEAD TO THE SUPERBOWL THERE ARE RUMORS --

>> AH.

>> OF A CHICKEN WING SHORTAGE.

>> DALLAS AND SURROUNDING AREASHAVE SOME SORT OF A STRIPPER

SHORTAGE.

[ LAUGHTER ]>> Jon: NOT FUNNY.

[LAUGHTER]OF COURSE THIS YEAR THE MATCHUP

IS BETWEEN THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKSAND THE DENVER BRONCOS TWO TEAMS

HAILING FROM STATES THAT HAVEBOTH LEGALIZED MARIJUANA THAT

MAKES THIS YEAR'S SHORTAGE ALLTHE MORE TRAGIC.

>> A VELVEETA SHORTAGE RAISINGBIG CONCERNS AHEAD OF SUPER

BOWL.

>> WARNING ABOUT A VELVEETASHORTAGE WHICH MEANS CHEESE

LOVERS WILL BE WATCHING NFLPLAYOFFS WITH JUST PLAIN CHEESE.

>> Jon: NOOOOOOOOO!

NOVELVEETA, WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT

MY MILK BASED SODIUM PHOSPHATE?

I'LL HAVE NOTHING TO DO DIP MYCALCIUM HYDROXIDE INTO.

[ LAUGHTER ]I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO DIG INTO MY

STRATEGIC VELVEETA RESERVE,MOUNT CHEESEMORE.

I LIKE TO START WITH ROOSEVELTAND WORK MY WAY UP TO LINCOLN.

ALL RIGHT?

SOMETHING ABOUT THIS VELVEETASHORTAGE FEELS A LITTLE -- WHAT

IS THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR(bleep).

>> VELVEETA REP SAID DEMAND ISHIGH DURING THE PLAYOFFS BUT

WOULD NOT GIVE A SPECIFIC REASONFOR THE LACK OF AVAILABILITY.

>> I'VE BEEN IN A DOZEN STORESTODAY AND ONLY ONE

I HAVE FOUND NO VELVEETA.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: HERE IS MY IMPRESSION

OF HIM IN THOSE STORES.

I WENT TO COLUMBIA JOURNALISMSCHOOL.

YES I CAN DO THIS.

WAIT A MINUTE, I KNOW WHAT YOUARE SAYING THAT THIS ISN'T REAL.

ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT THE MAKERSOF VELVEETA WOULD ATTEMPT TO

PASS OFF AS REAL SOME SORT OFBLATANTLY ARTIFICIAL CLEARLY

UNNATURAL SYNTHETIC CREATION?

YOU, SIR, CLEARLY DON'T KNOWVELVEETA.

MAYBE OUR PRECIOUS CHEESE LIKESUBSTANCE IS SAFE BUT FOOTBALL

FANS SHOULDN'T GET TOOCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE

A REAL AND MORE DEVASTATINGSHORTAGE IS ON THE HORIZON.

A FAST SPREADING PIG VIRUS ISABOUT TO CAUSE BACON PRICES TO

SKY ROCKET.

>> Jon: I THINK YOU AREBURYING THE LEAD HERE.

ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE MORECONCERNED ABOUT BACON PRICES

GOING UP OR I BELIEVE THE PHRASEYOU USED WAS A FAST SPREADING

VIRUS.

UNDERSTANDABLY HIGHER BACONPRICES COULD BE A SIDE EFFECT OF

ANEPIDEMIC LIKE THAT

BUT SO COULDAMPLE PARKING.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS FASTSPREADING VIRUS.

SPRE>> THE PORCINE EPIDEMICDIARRHEA VIRUS, ALSO KNOWN

AS PED, HAS BEEN REPORTED IN200 HOG FACILITIES.

>> Jon: I RETRACT MY REQUEST.

COULD YOU BE A LITTLE LESSSPECIFIC.

[LAUGHTER]PORCINE DIARRHEA VIRUS.

WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]PERHAPS WE SHOULD GO BACK TO

WHAT THIS IS DOING TO OUR BACONSTOCKPILE.

>> HERE GOES YOUR BACONCHEESEBURGER, YOUR PIGS IN A

BLANKET AND YOUR COBB SALAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]>> Jon: YOU KNOW PIGS IN A

BLANKET ARE NOT ACTUAL PIGS,RIGHT.

YOU HEAR A STORY ABOUT A BACONSHORTAGE AND YOU GO WITH NO MORE

SALADS OR BAR MITZVAH FOOD THATDOESN'T CONTAIN PORK.

WHOSE PIG LUXURY PENTHOUSE DIDYOU SHOOT YOUR FOOTAGE IN.

BECAUSE FROM WHAT I RECALLTHERE'S A LITTLE LESS ELBOW ROOM

AND MORE EXCREMENT.

IT'S (bleep) BACON.

LOOK AT IT.

THAT'S HOW THEY MAKE IT.

IT'S NOT SOME PIG IN A GIANTLOFT.

[ LAUGHTERPLAYING SHUFFLEBOARD AND

INVITING OVER A SPIDER THATWRITES MESSAGES.

[LAUGHTER]NOW MAYBE A BACON SHORTAGE ISN'T

SUCH A BAD THING SEEING ASAMERICA GETS LESS OF A

THING THAT'S KILLING US.

A BACON SHORTAGE WHICH MEANSTYPE TWO DIABETES RATES COULD

FALL DRAMATICALLYEXTENDING OUR LIVES AND

SAVING US BILLIONS IN HEALTHCARE.

WHY GOD? WHY?

IF THERE'S ONE RISK WE'RERUNNING, IT'S NOT

EATING TOO LITTLE BACON.

>> MORE BACON THE BETTER.

>> BACON MAKES EVERYTHINGBETTER.

>> GOTTA BE BACON ONLY ONE THINGSMELLS LIKE BACON IT'S BACON.

>> Jon: SLOW DOWN, EVERYBODYWITH THE BACON.

ARE WE ALREADY FORGETTINGSOMETHING?

>> I HAVE VIRAL DIARRHEA.

>> Jon: THAT WILLDO, PIG.

THAT WILL DO.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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