Republicans 2: The New Batch

  • Aired:  01/06/11
  •  | Views: 164,042

Sam Bee explains that Republicans will accomplish their plan to reduce the deficit with John Boehner's crying strategy. (10:04)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

MAN, WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

ACTOR, COMEDIAN, WILLIAM AND

MARY GRADUATE PATTON OSWALT WILL

BE JOINING US HERE TONIGHT.

ALWAYS GOOD TO HAVE A FUNNY

GUEST BECAUSE THAT MEANS, I CAN,

DURING THE INTERVIEW, PHONE IT

IN.

[LAUGHTER]

TODAY MARKED THE FIRST OFFICIAL

DAY OF THE 112th CONGRESS.

A LOT TO BE DONE.

>> WE'LL READ ALOUD THE FULL

TEXT OF CONSTITUTION OF UNITED

STATES.

>> Jon: OH, BUT FIRST AN

ASSEMBLY N. A NOD TO THE

FOUNDERS REPUBLICANS DECIDED TO

OPEN THE CONGRESSIONAL SESSION

WITH THE READING OF THE

CONSTITUTION SANS OF COURSE THE

NAUGHTY BITS AWOMEN CAN'T VOTE.

I LOVE A GOOD READING OF AN

HISTORICAL DOCUMENT.

WHO ARE THEY GETTING HOLBROOK,

MORGAN FREEMAN.

SAM ELIOT, DUDE THAT GUY'S VOICE

IS AWESOME.

>> ORDER TO ENSURE FAIRNESS FOR

ALL THOSE INTERESTED IN

PARTICIPATING WE ASKED MEMBERS

TO LINE UP ON A FIRST COME FIRST

SERVE BASIS.

THE SPEAKER AND TWO MEMBERS OF

THE LEADERSHIP OF EACH PARTY

WILL BEGIN THE READING AND THEN

I'LL RECOGNIZE MEMBERS IN ORDER.

>> Jon: OH, SO IT'S GOING TO

BE COMMUNITY THEATER?

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S SEE THE CONSTITUTION IS

7620 WORDS.

THERE ARE 435 MEMBERS OF

CONGRESS.

432 OF WHICH CAN READ.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY.

THAT'S GOING TO BE 17.5 WORDS

PER REP.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S SHOWTIME.

>> I YIELD TO THE GENTLEMAN FROM

GEORGIA.

--

[LAUGHTER]

>> EACH HOUSE MAY DETERMINE --

[LAUGHTER]

>> I NOW YIELD TO THE

GENTLEWOMAN FROM MARYLAND,

MS. EDWARDS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> EACH HOUSE SHALL BE ENTERED

ON THE JOURNAL.

>> I KNEW YIELD SO THE

GENTLEWOMAN FROM MICHIGAN,

MS. MILLER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: WELL, YOU'VE DONE IT,

YOU MANAGED TO MAKE THE READING

OF ONE OF OUR NATION'S MOST

TREASURE AND SACRED DOCUMENTS

AND COMBINED IT WITH THE

EFFICIENCY OF DMV -- AT LEAST

THERE WAS SOME STUNT CASTING.

THE GENTLEMAN FROM GEORGIA,

MR. LEWIS, WHO MANY REGARD AS

THE FOREMOST ADVOCATE FOR CIVIL

RIGHTS IN THE CONGRESS, HE WILL

READ THE 13th AMENDMENT.

>> Jon: OH NICE TOUCH.

THE ONE THAT APOLL BISHS --

ABOLISHED SAVORY.

TO READ THE AMENDMENT (bleep)

SOUTH CAROLINA CONGRESSMAN.

>> NO PERSON SEPTEMBER A NATURAL

BORN CITIZEN OR THE CITIZEN OF

THE UNITED STATES AT THE TIME OF

SOPGS OF THE CONSTITUTION SHALL

BE HE WILL EDGEIBLE TO HOLD THE

OFFICE OF PRESIDENT.

>> EXCEPT OBAMA [GAFFE DEVELOP

BANGING]

>> Jon: HELP US JESUS?

YOU ARE IN THE HOUSE OF

REPRESENTATIVES YOU MIGHT BE IN

THE WRONG ROTUNDA.

SO 7620 WORD AND AN HOUR AND A

HALF LATER I GIVE YOU STEVEN

FINCHER R TENNESSEE.

>> REPRESENTATIVES SHALL TAKE

EFFECT UNTIL AN ELECTION OF

REPRESENTATIVES SHALL INTERVENE.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: WOOO!

ENCORE.

ENCORE.

MUNROE DOCK TAIN, EMANCIPATION

PROCLAMATION, HOUSE BILL 122 OM

BUS.

SOME DEEP CUTS MOTHER (bleep).

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE NOT SMOKED IN A WHILE.

[LAUGHTER]

OF COURSE, THE 112th CONGRESS

COULD NOT BEGIN UNTIL THE NEW

SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE JOHN

BOEHNER WAS SWORN IN.

HERE HE IS WALKING INTO THE

CEREMONY.

COME ON, DUDE, FOR GOD SAKES.

ARE YOU CRYING AGAIN?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT SP WITH YOU, MAN?

ELECTION NIGHT YOU WERE ALL

WATERWORKS.

YOUR 60 MINUTES INTERVIEW --

>> THAT THESE KIDS HAVE A SHOT

AT THE AMERICAN DREAM -- IT'S

IMPORTANT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: IT IS IMPORTANT AND SO

IS YOUR DIGNITY.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE IS BOEHNER JUST WITH

FRIENDS AT A HOCKEY GAME

RECENTLY.

HERE HE IS LOSING HIS VIRGINITY.

>> THESE KIDS HAVE A SHOT AT THE

AMERICAN DREAM.

[SOBBING]

>> Jon: BEEN THERE.

WHAT A WEIRD THING TO SAY DURING

SEX.

I HOPE BOEHNER HAS A PLAN TO

COMPENSATE FOR THE WEEPINESS.

HE IS TAKING THE OVER SIZED

GAVEL.

IT'S ON THE NOSE BUT LOOK AT THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOEHNER'S NEW

GAVEL AND THE ONE PELOSI USED.

I GUESS THE FIRST ORDER OF

BUSINESS IS SMASHING

WATERMELONS.

[LAUGHTER]

IS HE RUNNING THE HOUSE OF

REPRESENTATIVES OR TRYING TO

SAVE A PRINCESS FROM A MONKEY?

[LAUGHTER]

TO PLAY THAT OUT HE GETS ALL THE

WAY TO THE TOP.

I WASN'T ALL POMP AND

CIRCUMSTANCES.

THE G.O.P. RUN ON RESTORING

FISCAL DISCIPLINE AND CUTTING

THE DEFICIT.

I GIVE THEM THEIR PLAN CUT GO.

>> UNDER CUT GO IF YOUR

INTENTION IS TO CREATE A NEW

GOVERNMENT PROGRAM YOU MUST

TERMINATE OR REREDUCE AN

EXISTING PROGRAM OF EQUAL OR

GREATER SIZE.

>> Jon: WITHOUT GOING OVER OR

YOU LOSE A TURN AND BECOME HE

WILL INNINGIBLE FOR A SHOWCASE

SHOW DOWN.

THEY LIMIT SPENDING IN WHICH IF

YOU WANT TO BRING A GOVERNMENT

PROGRAM TO LIFE YOU CAN'T PAY

FOR IT WITH NEW TAXES.

INSTEAD YOU MUST KILL, DISEM

BOWL OR (bleep) A PROGRAM OF

EQUAL VALUE.

SEEMS TIGHT UNLESS THERE ARE

HOLES THAT AIR CAN GET IN.

>> ANYTHING PASSED DOMESTICALLY

HAS TO BE PAID FOR BUT THERE ARE

EXEMPTIONS INCLUDING TAX CUTS

AND HEALTH CARE REPEAL.

>>

>> Jon: TAX CUTS THE ONLY BUST

BUDGETS NOT TO FALL UNDER THE

RULES ARE THE ONES THAT CREATED

25% OF THE ACTUAL DEFICIT.

THE BUSH TAX CUTS, THE

ALTERNATIVE MINIMUM TAX CUTS.

THE ESTATE TAX CUTS.

THE REUNARES OF THE SHOW TAXI.

WHY DOES -- WHY DOES REPEALING

OWE BALM WHY'S HEALTH CARE

REFORM HAVE TO BE EXEMPTED FROM

THE YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT CUT

GO RULES.

THAT WOULD INCREASE THE DEFICIT

BY $143 BILLION OVER TEN YEARS.

SO OTHER THAN THOSE EXCEPTIONS,

AKK EVERYTHING THEY WANTED TO DO

REPUBLICANS WILL BE PURE TO THE

DEFICIT REDUCTION VOW.

KIND OF LIKE A WAY A GROOM ON

HIS WEDDING DAY MAY VOW TO BE

FAITHFUL EXCEPT FOR CARVING OUT

A FEW EXCEPTIONS FOR PEOPLE HE

WOULD STILL LIKE TO (bleep).

FOR MORE ON THE NEW CONGRESS

SAMANTHA BEE JOINS US FROM THE

CAPITOL.

SAM --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-- SAM HOW DO THE REPUBLICANS

THINK THEY ARE GOING TO

ACCOMPLISH AN AGENDA THAT SEEMS

AT ODDS WITH ITSELF.

>> THE KEY, JON,IS THE LEADER

JOHN BOEHNER.

THAT MAN CAN GO FROM ZEER YES TO

SNOT IN 6.4 SECONDS.

THEY ARE THE CAPABLE HANDS OF

CAPTAIN BALL CLUBBER PANTS.

>> Jon: HOW DOES THAT MEAN IF

THEY EXEMPT THEMSELVES FROM ALL

THESE THINGS THEY INCREASE THE

DEFICIT, THE EXACT THING THEY

WERE ELECTED TO DO.

>> JON, THIS VEALY IMPORTANT TO

ME -- REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME.

I REALLY WANT THEM TO REPEAL

OBAMA CARE WITHOUT RUINING THE

DEFICIT.

>> Jon: THEY'LL FIND CUTS IN

OTHER AREAS.

MAYBE THE ESTIMATE IS WRONG.

>> YEAH, SEE IT'S THAT EASY.

YOU ARE WINNING THE ARGUMENT, I

START CRYING, BOOM YOU FOLD.

WELCOME TO THE JOHN BOEHNER 11

23-7B8G CONGRESS.

-- 112th CONGRESS.

>> Jon: WOW.

>> READ IT AND WEEP.

>> Jon: HOW DO DEMOCRATS

COUNTER THIS CRYING STRATEGY?

>> THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE

EFFECTIVE COUNTER TO THE

UNCONTROL WEEP THAT I HAVE FOUND

WHICH IS THE TEET OR AS I REFER

TO THEM SLEEP CANNONS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: I'M NOT SURE THAT

NATURE'S HIGH NyQuil WILL HAVE

THE SAME EFFECT ON ADULTS IT HAS

ON YOUR CHILDREN.

>> DON'T TELL THE DEMOCRATS

THEY'VE INVESTED THOUSANDS IN

THE PSEUDO NIP3,000.

ONCE THE G.O.P. LATCHES ON THEY

ARE ASLEEP AND DEMOCRATS

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