Shutstorm 2013: America Sits on Its Balls

  • Aired:  10/02/13
  •  | Views: 167,268

Congressional Republican fart-knockers complain about the shutdown they themselves caused. (3:52)

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

I'M JON STEWART.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, SANDRA BULLOCK.

STAR OF THE NEW MOVIE "GRAVITY."

AN INCREDIBLE MOVIE.

[APPLAUSE]SHE HAS TO KEEP HER SPACESHIP

GOING AT 55 MILES AN HOUR.

[LAUGHTER]OR THE MOON BLOWS UP.

[LAUGHTER]LET'S BEGIN WITH THE ONLY STORY

ANYBODY IS TALKING ABOUT.

THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN OR AS WE'RE CALLING IT --

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]OH, WHY DIDN'T I TUCK!

OH! [LAUGHTER]

LOOK, I MAY HAVE OVER THE PAST FEW DAYS LEADING UP TO AND

THROUGH THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN THROWN AROUND SOME RATHER

DERISIVE TERMS TO TALK ABOUT THOSE IN CONGRESS THAT HAVE NOT

FUNDED THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE OFA PAST LAW THEY DON'T LIKE

GOING INTO EFFECT.

I MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED THE WORD IDIOT, DUNDERHEADS,

MORONS.

LET ME CHECK SOME OF THE NAMES.

MAY HAVE REFERRED TO THEM AS FART-KNOCKERS.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA FART-KNOCKERS.

BABIES THAT EAT THEIR OWN POOP.

BABIES THAT EAT THEIR OWN POOPAND THEN POOP OUT THAT POOP AND

THEN HOLD THAT POOP IN THE AIRAND YELL, YOU AGAIN!

AND EAT THAT POOP.

I MAY HAVE CALLED THEM ON THIS VERY VERY PROGRAM, TAINT SNIFF

McGILLICUDIES.

MY POINT IS, I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.

I MAY HAVE BEEN WAY TOOEASY ON THEM.

[APPLAUSE]TWO DAYS INTO THE SHUTDOWN

THAT THE HOUSE REPUBLICANS,THEY THEMSELVES CAUSED.

THEY HAD THE BALLS TO TAKE TO THE PEOPLE'S CHAMBER AND

COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SHUTDOWN'S EFFECTS.

AND LEST YOU THINK THEIRCOMPLAINTS ECHOED CONCERNS

ABOUT THE SHUTDOWN HURTING OURNATION'S MOST

VULNERABLE CITIZENS, REST ASSURED THESE BALD EAGLE

FELLATORSHAD OTHERS.

[LAUGHTER]HAD OTHER THINGS ON THEIR MIND.

>> FAMILIES THAT LONG AGO MADEPLANS

TO VISIT THE STATUE OF LIBERTY OR YOSEMITE FOUND THESE SITES

SHUTTERED TODAY. I WENT TOE-VERIFY, THIS IS A COMPUTER

PROGRAM, E-VERIFY IS UNAVAILABLEDUE TO THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

SHUTDOWN, IT'S A COMPUTER, THEPANDA CAM AT THE ZOO WAS SHUT

DOWN. THAT'S A CAMERA. IT'S NOTA FEDERAL EMPLOYEE.

>> I MEAN, THERE I AM IN MY PANDA COSTUME.

ALL SET TO MASTURBATE.

I TURN ON THE PANDA CAM AND NOTHING!

[LAUGHTER]THEN I FEEL LIKE A JACK ASS.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

MASTURBATE TO KOALAS?

COME ON.

CAN'T DO THAT.

THEIR EYES ARE TOO SAD AND JUDGMENTAL.

DON'T JUDGE ME.

YOU EAT EUCALYPTUS.

[BLEEP] YOU.

SORRY.

[LAUGHTER][APPLAUSE]

I WASN'T INSINUATING A CONGRESSMAN MASTURBATES TO

PICTURES OF PANDAS.

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