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  • Aired:  11/12/13
  •  | Views: 25,710

Secretary of State John Kerry fails to reach a nuclear accord with Iran but manages not to leave the summit empty-handed. (5:05)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE GOT A GOOD ONE FOR YOUTONIGHT.

MY GUEST JOSEPH SCARBOROUGH, HEOF THE MSNBC SHOW MORNING JOE.

EXCITING NEWS IN THE WORLD OFFOREIGN DIPLOMACY.

THERE ARE SIGNALS THAT THE U.S.

COULD BE CLOSE TO AN AGREEMENT WITH IRAN ABOUT

ITS NUCLEAR CAPABILITY.

JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME --THAT IS

WONDERFUL NEWS BECAUSE IRAN ISJUST A WEEK AWAY FROM DEVELOPING

A NUCLEAR WEAPON.

THEY HAVE BEEN FOR THE PAST 20YEARS.

[LAUGHTER]SAYS PEOPLE WHO WOULD LIKE TO

BOMB IRAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]BUT IF IRAN IS WILLING TO MAKE A

DEAL, LET'S DO THIS -->> FOREIGN MINISTERS OF BIG

WESTERN POWERS LED BY THE U.S.

SECRETARY OF STATE JOHN KERRYDIVERTED PLANES AND CANCELED

MEETINGS TO FLY TO GENEVA.

>> Jon: LET THE CALL GO OUT TOTHE LEAGUE OF UNKNOWN GENTLEMEN.

DIPLOMATS ASSEMBLE!

[LAUGHTER]THEY WERE ALL THERE, ALL THE BIG

DIPLOMATS.

THERE WAS HANS THE GERMANEMISSARY

JEAN CLAUDE FROM FRANCE, LORDBARRINGTON J. POWDER OF THE UK

AND THE MAN FROM TEHRAN, JIMMYDEATH TO AMERICA ZARIF.

[ LAUGHTER ]YES, FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD

FOREIGN MINISTERS CAME TO GENEVABY JET, BY BOAT AND TRAIN.

JOHN KERRY HIMSELF TURNED AROUNDHIS TRUSTY SAILBOARD AND SAID,

ATREYU -- OBVIOUSLY IT TOOKKERRY THE LONGEST TIME TO GET

THERE BECAUSE HE WAS ON THEWATER.

[LAUGHTER]IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT BECAUSE

BEAR IN MIND THE HISTORICALCONTEXT OF THESE TALKS WE NOW

TAKE IT FOR GRANTED THAT THESECRETARY OF STATE SHOULD TALK

TO IRAN'S FOREIGN MINISTER BUTTHAT HADN'T HAPPENED IN 34 YEARS

UNTIL LAST SEPTEMBER AND THEYSPENT MORE TIME IN THE LAST 24

HOURS THAN THEY HAVE IN 34YEARS.

>> Jon: 34 YEARS.

34 YEARS.

I'M GUESSING AMERICA WAS LIKE,MAN, WHAT WERE WE EVEN FIGHTING

ABOUT?

AND IRAN WAS ALL LIKE, WELL IN1953 YOU ORGANIZED A COUP AND

OVERTHREW OUR GOVERNMENT ANDINSTALLED AN AUTOCRATICT AND

LEADER TO ENSURE PRO WESTERN OILCONTRACTS WHICH

LED TO THE 1979 REVOLUTION ATWHICH POINT WE TOOK YOUR PEOPLE

HOSTAGE AND AMERICA LIKE WASRIGHT, I CAN'T REMEMBER EITHER.

IF YOU REMEMBER IN THE 50s, YOUWEREN'T THERE MAN!

[LAUGHTER]THE AIR WAS FILLED WITH THE

EXCITEMENT, THE WEIGHT OFHISTORY LEANING ON THIS MOMENT

THE TRIUMPHANT CLIMAX OF ATHEDECADES LONG DRAMA FINALLY

COMINGTO FRUITION, WHAT THE (bleep).

YOU'LL END DECADES OF HOSTILITYIN A CONFERENCE ROOM IN A BEST

WESTERN?

WHAT IS THIS?

[LAUGHTER]DID THE TIME SHARE SALES GROUP

GET THE ROOSEVELT SUITE OR DOYOU BLOW THE WHOLE BUDGET ON

THAT JON STEWART IMPERSONATOR.

[ LAUGHTER ][LAUGHTER]

STOP STEALING MY LIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]YOU HANDSOME DOG.

OBVIOUSLY WE DON'T HAVE THEAUDIO OF WHAT KERRY SAID TO

ZARIF.

I'M A PRETTY GOOD LIP READER.

JUST GOING TO -- THAT IS JOHNKERRY AND HE IS GOING, YOU,

I'LL POINT AT YOU ANDTHEN THEY GO

TO HIM AND HE'S LIKE AHHHHH.

I'M LAUGHING BECAUSE HE POINTED.

[LAUGHTER]WE REALLY GOTTA GET THE AUDIO

FOR THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]LOOKS LIKE EVERYBODY IS IN A

GOOD MOOD.

THIS LOOKS LIKE THE REAL DEAL,MAN, A DONE DEAL.

>> IT TURNED OUT THAT THE DEALCOULD NOT BE STRUCK.

SECRETARY KERRY LEFT GENEVAEMPTY HANDED.

>> Jon: I GUESS ZARIF DON'TLIKE IT.

ROCK THE TREATY.

ROCK THE TREATY.

[ LAUGHTER ]I'M SURE KERRY DIDN'T LEAVE

EMPTY HANDED IF HIS INSTAGRAM ISANY INDICATION.

YEAH. MOTHER (bleep) LOVES SOMEMINIBAR

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