Secrets & Allies

  • Aired:  05/19/11
  •  | Views: 87,052

Pakistan takes great care of America's very sensitive helicopter by hiding it behind a room divider from West Elm. (3:38)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILY

SHOW, MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

GOT A GREAT SHOW.

LISA P JACKSON HEAD OF THE

ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION

AGENCY WILL BE JOINING US.

SECRETARY JACKSON IF ARE YOU

NASTY.

SO-- NO, THAT'S-- NOW THAT

WE'VE COME OFF THE THOR

LOCOVIAN HIGH THAT WAS OUR

BALLS OUT SEAL TEAM 6 O

IN-- OSAMA BIN LADEN ASSAULT

AND EVILECT OMEE, SOME

TROUBLING QUESTIONS LINGER

ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH

THE COUNTRY THAT WE WERE SO

CLOSE WE COULDN'T TELL THEM

WE WERE ABOUT TO INVADE

THEM.

>> HOW COULD BIN LADEN

HIDEOUT FOR SO LONG RIGHT

UNDER THEIR NOSES.

>> Jon: DUPLICITY-- DUPLICITY

OR INCOMPETENCE, WHICH IS

MORE EMBARRASSING THAT OSAMA

BIN LADEN WAS HIDING IF

PLAIN SIGHT IN PAKISTAN OR

THAT THE AMERICANS ENTERED

WITHOUT TELLING THE

PAKISTANI GOVERNMENT?

>> Jon: WOW, THAT'S A ROUGH

TWO OPTIONS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: PAKISTAN WHAT DOW

HATE MORING HAVING A TINNY

PENIS OR BEING TOO FAT TO

SEE IT.

BOOM, BOOM.

HOW YOU DOING.

BOOM.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, BOOM, NO

DISRESPECT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, PAKISTAN WAS

IN A TRICKY SPOT AS WELL.

PERHAPS NOW UPON REFLECTION,

TIME TO LET BYGONES BE

BYGONES.

>> PAKISTAN HASN'T GIVEN

BACK A SECRET U.S.

HELICOPTER LOST ON THE RAID

IN BIN LADEN'S HOME.

>> THERE IS UNIQUE

TECHNOLOGY THAT EXISTS ON

THE HELICOPTER THAT THE U.S.

DIDN'T WANT TO GET INTO THE

WRONG HANDS.

>> Jon: OH, YES, DON'T HAVE

THAT SECRET TECHNOLOGY IN

THE WRONG HANDS, AKA

PAKISTAN.

NOT THAT THEY DON'T DESERVE

OUR TRUST.

THEY TOOK GREAT CARE OF OUR

VERY SENSITIVE HELICOPTER,

HIDING IT BEHIND WHAT

APPEARS TO BE--

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: I SWEAR THAT'S A

REAL PICTURE, THEY'RE HIDING

IT BEHIND A ROOM DIVIDER

FROM WESTELL AM.

I MEAN-- IS THE BEST WAY TO

CAMOUFLAGE SECRET MILITARY

TECHNOLOGY THE SAME AS THE

WAY YOU PRETEND YOUR FIRST

APARTMENT HAS A WALL IN IT?

WHAT?

NO, MY BATHROOM'S NOT IN MY

KITCHEN THIS IS A ONE

BEDROOM.

MAGIC.

YOU KNOW FOR THE PAST TEN

YEARS PAKISTAN'S TAKEN LIKE

$20 BILLION OF OUR MONEY,

OSTENSIBLY TO HELP US ALL

WHILE CONTINUING TO BOLSTER

THEIR NUCLEAR PROGRAM,

CONTINUING TO PROVIDE SOME

LEVEL OF SUPPORT TO THE

TALIBAN AND LETTING OUR

NUMBER ONE ENEMY OSAMA BIN

LADEN CRASH IN THEIR GUEST

HOUSE LIKE SOME SORT OF

TURBANNED CATO CAMESCH-- KATO

KAELIN AND NOW HOLDING ON TO

OUR HELICOPTER TAIL.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT IS THE

BEST PART OF THE HELICOPTER.

IT'S WHERE THE MEAT IS.

SEND NOW, SEND IN SEAL TIME

ONE.

>> SENATOR JOHN KERRY IS

PREPARING TO TRAVEL TO

PAKISTAN.

>> Jon: NOT SEAL TEAM YAWN.

SEAL TEAM ONE!

LET'S NOT SEND YACKMASTER

GENERAL OVER THERE THAT'S

NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING.

>> THEY'VE AGREED NOW TO

RETURN THE TAIL SECTION OF

THAT AMERICAN STEALTH

CHOPPER THAT CRASHED DURING

THE OSAMA BIN LADEN RAID.

>> Jon: WOW.

I SIMPLY TOLD THEM IN NO

UNCERTAIN TERMS THAT GIVEN

MY PROCLIVITY FOR THESE

TYPES OF NEGOTIATIONS THAT I

WOULD HERETOFORE PLEDGE

MY-- .

>> Jon: JUST-- THE

HELICOPTER, GET OUT.

JUST GET OUT.

TAKE THE [BLEEP] HELICOPTER!

NOW OBVIOUSLY--

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: THOSE ARE THE ONLY

TWO VOICES I CAN DO.

Loading...