Clustershag to 10 Downing - New Prime Minister

  • Aired:  05/12/10
  •  | Views: 158,548

Before David Cameron can officially assume office, Great Britain makes Gordon Brown do his televised walk of shame. (8:47)

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME TO THE "DAILY SHOW." MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

OH, DO WE HAVE A PROGRAM PLANNED FOR YOU THIS EVENING.

MICHAEL PATRICK KING WILL BE OUR GUEST, A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE FROM THE OLD STAND-UP DAYS.

NOW HE'S THE BIG-TIME DIRECTOR OF "SEX AND THE CITY 2".

LET'S GET TO OUR FINAL INSTALLMENT OF... OH, DOCTOR,

AFTER A GRUELING SIX-WEEK CAMPAIGN, A FULL DAY OF VOTING,

AND NEARLY FIVE DAYS OF POLITICKING, ENGLAND HAS A NEW AMERICAN LACKEY-- LEADER, HAS A NEW LEADER.

( LAUGHTER ) TORY DAVID CAMERON, THE UNHOLY SPAWN OF LARRY DAVID AND KIRK

CAMERON, IS THE NEW SQUIRE OF 10 DOWNING STREET, AND PRIME MINISTER OF THE COALITION

GOVERNMENT WITH LIBERAL DEMOCRAT LEADER AND NEW DEPUTY PMD,

NICHOLAS KLEGG.

GIVE HIM TIME.

HE JUST MOVE IN A DAY AGO!

IS IT JUST ME OR DO THESE GUYS LOOK LIKE ONE OF THOSE BEFORE-AND-AFTER DIET PICTURES.

THE GUY ON THE...

( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER ) I GUESS THEY DO.

I CAN'T TELL IF THIS IS THE NEW BRITISH GOVERNMENT OR A PREMONITION OF THE WORST DISNEY

CHANNEL SPROUSE TWIN SPIN-OFF EVER.

( LAUGHTER ) OH, ZACH AND CODY, YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF THE BUSINESS.

OF COURSE, BEFORE CAMERON COULD OFFICIALLY AASSUME OFFICE THERE WAS ONE... DETAIL, THAT THE

FORMER PRIME MINISTER GORDON BROWN NEEDED TO TAKE CARE OF.

>> IT'S MY INTENTION TO TENDER MY RESIGNATION TO THE QUEEN.

IN THE EVENT THAT THE QUEEN ACCEPTS I SHALL --

>> I'M SORRY, I'M JUST GOING TO CUT YOU OFF RIGHT THERE, GORDON.

"IN THE EVENT THE QUEEN ACCEPTS YOUR RESIGNATION." WHAT DO YOU THINK THE QUEEN IS

GOING TO SAY, "GORDON, NO, I WON'T HEAR OF IT.

NO!

OH, NO, GORDON, AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH.

YOU HAD ME AT HELLO!" ( APPLAUSE ) APPARENTLY THE PEACEFUL TRANSFER

OF POWER IN ONE OF THE WORLD'S OLDEST DEMOCRACYS IS NOT OFFICIAL WITHOUT THE FORMAL

APPROVAL OF AN 84-YEAR-OLD COLLECTIBLE PLATE MODEL.

>> AND THEN ALL HE HAS TO DO IS SAY, "YOUR MAJESTY, PLEASE, MAY I RESIGN AS YOUR PRIME

MINISTER." AND AND SHE WILL ASK, "WHO SHALL I CALL?"

THAT'S THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THIS WHOLE CONSTITUTIONAL PROCESS--

THAT HE WILL THEN GIVE THE NAME,

SHE WILL KNOW AHEAD OF TIME, BUT SHE HAS TO GIVE IT.

>> Jon: THAT'S SOME COLD-BLOOD ( BLEEP ).

( LAUGHTER ) SHE KNOWS THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO WON THE ELECTION, BUT SHE

MAKES HIM SAY IT ANYWAY.

( LAUGHTER ) "SAY HIS NAME!

SAY IT, SAY IT!

." HIS NAME IS CAMERON.

WHAT WAS THAT?

WAS IT CAMERON?

WHAT WAS IT?

DAVID CAMERON.

ALL RIGHT ONE MORE THING, GORDON GO HOME AND GET YOUR ( BLEEP ) SHINE BOX.

I SAY, KEEP HIM HERE.

BY THE WAY IF YOU ENJOYED THAT LITTLE PERFORMANCE, TICKETS ARE NOW AVAILABLE FOR MY NEW ONE-MAN

SHOW, JON STEWART ACTING FROM GOOD FELL AS.

I DO A LOT OF THESE SHOWS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GO HOME AND GET YOUR SHINE BOX.

THE TRULY REMARKABLE THING WAS HOW QUICKLY THE TRANSITION OF POWER WAS MADE.

>> WHEN THINGS STARTED TO HAPPEN HERE, DAVE, THEY HAPPENED REALLY QUICKLY.

AT DINNER TIME WE HAD GORDON BROWN IN NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET.

BY BEDTIME, DAVID CAMERON THERE WAS.

>> Jon: IT WAS CRAZY.

GORDON BROWN LOST HIS JOB BY 3:00, AND BY 8:00, HE HAD ALSO BEEN KICKED OUT OF HIS HOUSE.

THAT WAS FAST.

BUT I'M SURE IT'S A RESPECTFUL PROCESS, NOT LIKE THEY MADE HIM

AND HIS WIFE AND KIDS DO SOME CRAZY TELEVISED WALK OF SHAME IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY AS--

OH, MY GOD!

NO!

DEAR GOD!

NO, NO, NO.

DON'T-- DON'T WORRY.

DON'T WORRY, LADIES.

I DIDN'T LOSE MY JOB AT HOME.

WE'RE GOING CAMPING.

( LAUGHTER ) FOREVER.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, IT'S LIKE A SCENE OUT OF "OLIVER."

SPEAKING OF WHICH, FOR MORE ON THE U.K.'S NEW GOVERNMENT WE TURN TO OUR SENIOR BRITISH

PERSON, JOHN OLIVER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JOHN, AS AN OUTSIDE OBSERVER, AS A RELATIVELY PROVINCIAL YOUNG

MAN ANTARTICA ROUGH WATCHING GORDON BROWN HAVE TO FLEE HIS HOME, HIS ENTIRE FAMILY IN TOW

AS THEIR--

>> YEAH, YEAH, WASN'T IT GREAT?

( LAUGHTER ) FRANKLY, BROWN WAS LUCKY HE JUST GOT THE WALK OF SHAME.

IN THE 70s, WE SAILED OUTGOING PRIME MINISTER JAMES CALLAHAN AND HIS FAMILY FIVE MILES OUT

INTO THE OCEAN AND THEN MADE THEM SWIM BACK.

( LAUGHTER ) YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.

IT WAS SO WET.

>> Jon: SO, CRUSHING THE SPIRITS OF YOUR VANQUISHED LEADERS IS A CONSCIOUS CHOICE.

>> OH, ABSOLUTELY, JOB.

JON.

IT'S ONE OF THE FEW THINGS WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

REMEMBER, IT RAINS 340 DAYS A YEAR.

( LAUGHTER ) THE OTHER 25 DAYS, IT'S STILL RAINING BUT WE JUST CAN'T FEEL

IT BECAUSE IT CAN'T PENETRATE THE LAYER OF FOG.

( LAUGHTER ) WE ARE MISERABLE BASTARDS, JON.

IT'S A MATTER OF NATIONAL CHARACTER.

>> Jon: BUT-- BUT-- WHERE WYOUR MISERY, IT'S ONLY LIGHTEN.

BY WITNESSING THE INTENSE SUFFERING.

OF OTHERS.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

WE EVEN HAVE OUR OWN WORD FOR IT-- SHOUDENFREUDER.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon:.

>> -- I BELIEVE THAT'S A GERMAN WORD.

>> OH, NO, NO, NO, WE JUST MADE IT SOUND GERMAN BECAUSE WE

DIDN'T THINK WE DESERVED SUCH A NICE WORD.

( LAUGHTER ) YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND, JON.

YOU AMERICANS ARE INHERENTLY OPTIMISTIC.

>> Jon: BUT DAVID CAMERON'S SPEECH TO THE NATION AFTER SIGNING IN AS PRIME MINISTER

SOUNDED VERY HOPEFUL TO ME.

TAKE A LISTEN TO THIS.

>> I CAME INTO POLITICS BECAUSE I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.

I THINK ITS BEST DAYS STILL LIE AHEAD.

>> Jon: VERY OPTIMISTIC, VERY NICE.

>> JON, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT CAMERON BELIEVES BRITAIN'S BEST DAYS STILL LIE AHEAD?

HE WAS BEING SARCASK, JON.

HAUGH LAUGH THIS IS THE SAME BRITAIN THAT ONCE RULED TWO-THIRD OF THE GLOBE.

WE USED TO INPUT INDIAN MEN TO POLISH THE COBLE STONES SO WE WOULDN'T GET OUR KNEES DIRTY.

WE'RE NEVER GETTING THAT BACK,

JON.

I ABOUT IT.

DAVID CAMERON KNOWS.

HE WAS JUST KICKING US WHILE WE WERE DON.

>> Jon: BUT YOU VOTED FOR HIM.

>> THAT'S WHY WE VOTED FOR HIM,

BECAUSE HIS SENSE OF HUMOR.

>> Jon: I EXPECTED A LITTLE BIT MORE-- I DON'T KNOW-- POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE.

FOR YOUR TRANSFER OF POWER.

>> LIKE THEY WERE ROYALTY.

>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> JON, WE HAVE ACTUAL ROYALTY FOR THAT.

THAT'S WHY WE CAN TREAT OUR POLITICAL LEADERS LIKE THE DISPOSABLE BUREAUCRATS THAT THEY ARE.

WE DON'T NEED TO GO ALL GAY WEDING ON OUR INAUGURATIONS LIKE DO YOU.

( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT OBAMA'S INAUGURATION WAS LIKE A CORNATION.

THEN YOU LET GEORGE W. BUSH SLINK OFF IN A HELICOPTER WITH HIS DIGNITY INTACT?

WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) WAS THAT?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

AFTER ALL HE'D DONE-- SFWL THAT'S OUR SYSTEM.

>> ARE YOU HONESTLY CONTINGENT ME THAT DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A MISSED OPPORTUNITY?

WHEN MARGARET THATCHER LEFT, WE MADE HER CRY.

( LAUGHTER ) WE MADE HER ACTUALLY CRY.

THAT MADE THE ENTIRE 11 YEARS WORTH IT.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: I GOT-- I GOTTA SAY,

JON, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN PRETTY SWEET.

>> EXACTLY.

>> Jon: JUST SOSEE HIM WELL UP A LITTLE BIT.

>> YOU DESERVED IT.

EIGHT LONG YEARS, JON.

TRUST ME, IT'S A LOT EASIER TO DEAL WITH ALL THE CRAP THAT YOUR

LEADERS CAN PUT YOU THROUGH WHEN YOU KNOW THEY'RE LEAVING OFFICE LIKE THIS.

( LAUGHTER ) CAMERON KNOWS WHAT'S COMING TO HIM, JON.

IT'S RIGHT THERE IN OUR UNWRITTEN CONSTITUTION.||

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