Middle Eastern Promises

  • Aired:  09/28/10
  •  | Views: 93,743

Since the Israelis and Palestinians are having so much trouble dividing the land, they can both have it at different times of the year. (5:43)

[LAUGHTER]

WE TURN NOW TO THE MIDDLE EAST,

THE WORLD'S TOP REGIONAL

EXPORTER OF DEPRESSING NEWS

STORIES.

IN THE LAST THREE WEEKS IT

SEEMED THAT THAT WAS ABOUT TO

CHANGE.

>> ANOTHER FRESH START FOR

MIDDLE EAST PEACE TALKS.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A YEAR AND

A HALF ISRAELIS AND PALESTINIANS

RESUMING DIRECT PEACE

NEGOTIATIONS.

THERE'S RENEWED HOPE AND

OPTIMISM.

>> Jon: RENEWED HOPE AND

OPTIMISM.

PEACE IN THE HOLY LAND.

HASEL TOF.

-- MAZEL TA *EUS -- TOV.

HIT IT!

SO EXCITING.

IT'S LIKE A BAR MITZVAH, SO SO MUCH

POSSIBLE AND THEN THE

PROFESSIONAL DANCERS HELP THE

YOUNG 13-YEAR-OLD MEET GIRLS.

THAT'S EXCITING.

THE ONLY THING THAT COULD BLOW

THIS NEW FOUND HOPE IS IF ISRAEL

DOESN'T EXTEND THE FREEZE --

>> ISRAEL HAS REASSUMED

SETTLEMENT CONSTRUCTION IN THE

WEST BANK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: HIT IT.

THAT'S NOT QUITE RIGHT.

IT'S SAD BUT I'M LOOKING FOR

SADDER JEWISH MUSIC IF I COULD.

♪ LF ON THE ROCKS ♪

♪ LOVE ON THE ROCKS ♪

♪ ♪

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: NEIL DIAMOND.

HE'S LIKE HE'S SINGING TO ME.

HOPE SURVIVED IN THE MIDDLE EAST

FOR THREE WEEKS.

IT WOULD BE SAD EXCEPT THAT'S

THE LONGEST HOPE HAS EVER

SURVIVED IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

THERE'S PLANS FOR A NEW JEWISH

HOLIDAY HOPE-ACOST.

THEY THOUGHT THERE WAS HOPE FOR

THREE DAYS BUT THE HOPE LASTED

SEVEN TIMES THAT LONG BEFORE

RUNNING OUT.

THAT'S WHY FOR THREE WEEKS EVERY

FALL NO JEW EATS VIDALIA ONIONS.

A DEVASTATING THREAT TO A

PROMISING PEACE PROCESS.

THEY HAVE TO BE WALKING ON EGG

SHELLS.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO BE GOOD.

ALTHOUGH THERE ARE 2,000 HOMES

READY TO BE BUILT, THE ISRAELIS

RESTRAINED THEMSELVES TO ONLY

BUILDING 26 NEW HOMES WONDERFUL

THAT BE ENOUGH TO PREVENT THE

PALESTINIANS FROM WALKING AWAY

FROM THE NEGOTIATION TABLE.

>> WE HEARD FROM THE PALESTINIAN

PRESIDENT MAHMOUD ABBAS AND HE

SAID NEXT WEEK HE WILL FIND OUT

WHAT THE ARAB COUNTRIES THINK HE

SHOULD DO.

>> Jon: THE ARAB LEAGUE.

THAT'S A TOUGH LEAGUE.

SAUDI ARABIA DOING WELL.

LEBANON HOPING FOR A WILDCARD

SPOT.

FOR GOD SAKES, THE METS RE

BOTTOM OF ARAB LEAGUE AS WELL?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT CAN'T BE!

IT'S JUST EMBARRASSING.

THE METS CAN'T EVEN DO WELL IN

THE ARAB LEAGUE.

THOSE COUNTRIES DON'T EVEN PLAY

BASEBALL.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR MORE ON THE RENEWED

CONSTRUCTION WE GO TO "THE DAILY

SHOW" SENIOR MIDDLE EAST

CORRESPONDENT JOHN OLIVER.

JOHN OLIVER JOINS US LIVE FROM

THE WEST BANK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JOHN, DO YOU -- DO YOU SEE ANY

HOPE FOR A SOLUTION HERE?

>> JON, I THINK IT'S OBVIOUS.

THE COURT HAS TEMPORARILY

EXTENDED THE MORATORIUM ON

BUILDING.

CLEARLY WE JUST NEED TO INVENT

MORE JEWISH HOLIDAYS.

>> Jon: THEY ARE BASED ON

THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF TRADITION.

YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE UP NEW ONES.

>> REALLY?

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> WATCH ME.

BAGEL MANIA.

THREE DAYS AT THE END OF

SEPTEMBER.

FRAN DRESHER'S BIRTHDAY.

THAT'S A BIG ONE, SEPTEMBER 30

AND THE ENTIRE MONTH MANY OF

OCCTOBER.

THREE STRIKES OFF THE TOP OF MY

HEAD.

>> Jon: NOBODY IS -- OKAY.

IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT SOME JEWS

OBJECT TO YOU CHANGING THEIR

CALENDAR.

>> NO PROBLEM, JON.

SINCE THE ISRAELISEN

PALESTINIANS ARE HAVING TROUBLE

DIVIDING THE LAND WHAT IF THEY

BOTH HAVE IT BUT AT DIFFERENT

TIMES OF THE YEAR.

50% OF THE TIME FOR ONE, 50% FOR

THE OTHER, 100% PERFECT

SOLUTION.

>> Jon: THAT'S -- THAT'S --

THAT WOULD END UP CAUSING

PROBLEMS.

I DON'T THINK IT WOULD

SATISFY --

>> IT'S FLEXIBLE.

THEY CAN SWAP OUT VACATION WEEKS

IF WORK SCHEDULES CHANGE.

IT'S EASY.

>> Jon: YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE

A TIMESHARE.

>> YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT A

TIMESHARE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FRACTIONAL

OWNERSHIP OPPORTUNITY THAT THE

MIDDLE EAST HAS BEEN WAITING

FOR.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: YOU ARE -- YOU ARE

CENTURY 21 GUY NOW.

IS THAT IT?

>> CENTURY 21, NOW CENTURY 58.

THINK ABOUT IT.

WHY WOULD EITHER SIDE ATTACK THE

OTHER'S HOUSE IF THEY KNEW THEY

WERE GOING TO BE LIVING IN IT A

FEW MONTH'S TIME?

DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

>> Jon: DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE

WHATSOEVER, JOHN.

>> WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO PUT

YOU IN A DISPUTED TERRITORY

TODAY?

>> Jon: I HAVE A HOUSE, JON.

>> YOU HAVE A HOUSE IN JERSEY.

>> Jon: THAT'S NOT FAIR.

>> THERE'S A CHANCE NOAH IS BURR

TKPWHREUD YOUR BACKYARD?

>> Jon: BON JOVI'S BATTING

SKAEUG A TWO MINUTE DRIVE.

>> THEY WANT TO YOU HAVE THIS

UNIT.

THIS IS THE PROMISE CONDO.

I'M GOING TO GO AHEAD AND PUT

YOU DOWN FOR THREE UNITS, OKAY.

>> Jon: I DON'T WANT THREE

UNITS.

>> YOU ARE KILLING ME STEWART.

I HAVEN'T RUNNING THE BELL ALL

WEEK.

I HAVE KIDS TO FEED.

>> Jon: YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS.

>> DO YOU WANT ME TO DANCE FOR

YOU? I'LL DANCE, JON.

IT'S A VERY NICE AREA, VERY NICE

AREA.

WHY DON'T YOU COME LIVE HERE,

HEY!

>> Jon: HAVE SOME DIGNITY.

>> GET READY TO RING THAT BELL,

MURRAY, I'M BRINGING ONE IN.

>>

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