The Vulgar Games - Republican Policy Routine

  • Aired:  03/13/12
  •  | Views: 144,057

Following Rush Limbaugh's Fluke-slut diatribe, Kristen Schaal discovers that Republican policies speak even louder to women than their conservative radio jerks. (5:08)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

WE HAVE BEEN DISCUSSING THE

RELATIVE OFFENSE I HAVE

BEENNESS OF RUSH LIMBAUGH'S

SANDRA FLUKE SLUT DIE TRIBE

VERSUS BILL MAHER'S SARAH

PALIN C-WORD SLAM.

FOR MORE, WE'RE JOINED BY

DAILY SHOW SENIOR WOMEN'S

ISSUES CORRESPONDENT KRISTEN

SCHAAL.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

( APPLAUSE )

KRISTEN, WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF

THIS CONTROVERSY?

>> WELL, JON, FOR STARTERS I

THINK WE'RE FOCUSING WAY TOO

MUCH ON THE NAME-CALLING AND

THE PARTISAN BICKERING BECAUSE

AT THE END OF THE DAY WE CAN

ALL AGREE ON ONE THING: WOMEN

ARE EITHER SLUTS OR (BEEP).

RIGHT?

DEPENDING ON WHETHER YOU'RE ON

THE LEFT OR RIGHT.

OBVIOUSLY INDEPENDENTS WOULD

USE BITCH.

THEY'RE REBELS.

>> Jon: OBVIOUSLY THEY'RE NOT

THE ONLY THREE WORDS YOU

COULD....

>> OH, RIGHT.

I FORGOT WHORE.

I'M SUCH A SILLY SLUT.

>> Jon: IF EVERYBODY USES

DEROGATORY LANGUAGE ON THE

POLITICAL SPECTRUM, THEN HOW

DO WOMEN CHOOSE WHICH....

>> I LIKE TO LOOK PAST THE

NAME CALLING TO WHAT I CALL

THE POLICIES.

IN STATE AFTER STATE IT SEEMS

THE REPUBLICAN POLICIES SPEAK

EVEN LOUDER THAN SOME OF THEIR

RADIAL JERKS.

OH, SORRY.

I SAID JERKS.

THAT WAS SO SLUTTY OF ME TO

SAY.

>> Jon: IT'S OKAY.

>> OKAY.

LOOK AT TEXAS.

THEY'VE CUT FUNDING FOR BREAST

EXAMS AND PAP SMEARS.

>> Jon: YOU FEEL LIKE IF

REPUBLICANS WANT TO GAIN FAVOR

WITH WOMEN THEY NEED TO CHANGE

THEIR POLICIES.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M SAYING THEY SHOULD USE THE

AMNESTY THEY THINK IS GRANTED

TO COMEDIANS AND REFRAME THEIR

POLICIES AS COMEDY.

THE MATERIAL IS THERE, OKAY.

TRUST ME.

THEY JUST NEED TO WORK ON

THEIR DELIVERY.

>> Jon: SO YOU'RE... OH,

YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE?

>> HERE WE GO.

REPUBLICANS, WATCH AND LEARN.

>> Jon: WHAT ARE YOU... WHERE

ARE YOU....

>> HEY!

HOW IS EVERYONE DOING TONIGHT?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

LET'S GET THIS MOTHER (BEEP)

GIGGLE COASTER ROLLING.

SO I JUST FLEW IN FROM

VIRGINIA AND BOY DOES MY

VAGINA TIRED.

FROM THE INVOLUNTARY

ULTRASOUND, AM I RIGHT,

LADIES?

BY THE WAY, WHY DO THEY CALL

IT A WAND?

WHERE ARE WE, HOG WARTS,

RIGHT?

THE ONLY THING MAGICALLY

DISAPPEARING WAS MY SENSE OF

DIGNITY AND PRIVACY.

BOOM!

THANK YOU.

( APPLAUSE )

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

SEE, JON, YOU SAY BOOM THAT

MEANS THE PUNCH LINE HAS

LANDED.

WATCH AND LEARN, BUDDY.

HERE'S A GOOD ONE.

ANYBODY HERE FROM OKLAHOMA?

ANYONE?

NO.

OKAY.

NO FANS FROM OKLAHOMA ON THE

DAILY SHOW.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

A FERTILIZED EGG, A

CORPORATION, AND A WOMAN?

ONE OF THEM IS NOT CONSIDERED

A PERSON IN OKLAHOMA.

BOOM!

THANK YOU.

( APPLAUSE )

THANK YOU.

IT'S THE WOMAN.

YEAH.

IT'S THE WOMAN.

THE CORPORATION AND THE EGGS

ARE PEOPLE.

THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY.

TRUTH IN COMEDY.

THIS (BEEP) COULD WRITE

ITSELF.

YOU GUYS LIKE IMPRESSIONS?

HUH?

( APPLAUSE )

YOU DOVE DICE.

ISN'T HE LIKE YOUR BROTHER OR

SOMETHING?

>> Jon: NO.

>> HICKORY DICK ORY DOCK, WHAT

IS ALL THIS INFORMATION ABOUT

MY FETUS?

YOU'RE MY DOCTOR FOR CHRIST'S

SAKE.

END OF STORY.

I GOT A CIGARETTE ALL THE

TIME.

DICE.

( APPLAUSE )

KNOCK, KNOCK.

>> Jon: WHO'S THERE?

>> UNWANTED TRANSVAGINAL

ULTRASOUND.

>> Jon: UNWANTED....

>> THERE IT IS.

THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT.

>> Jon: NO, I DON'T THINK WHAT

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

>> WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING,

SIR?

>> Jon: I HOST THE SHOW YOU'RE

ON.

>> WHOA, WHOA, WATCH THE

ATTITUDE, OKAY.

I DON'T COME OVER TO WHERE YOU

WORK AND KNOCK THE PENIS JOKES

OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

>> Jon: THIS IS WHERE I WORK.

>> OH.

I REALLY LIKE IT HERE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING

ME.

>> Jon: THANK YOU, KRISTEN.

KRISTEN SCHAAL, EVERYBODY.

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