The Rumble in the Air-Conditioned Auditorium Debate Prep

  • Aired:  10/03/12
  •  | Views: 5,588

Stephen Colbert assumes the role of a larger-than-life conservative pundit and trains Jon for "Rumble in the Air-Conditioned Jungle" with Bill O'Reilly. (6:58)

AS YOU KNOW, TONIGHT'S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE WASN'T THE ONLY HIGH-PROFILE VERBAL DUST-UP SCHEDULED THE TAKE PLACE THIS WEEK.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE RUMBLE IN THE AIR CONDITIONED AUDITORIUM.

DID THAT REVERB AT ALL?

TWO MEN ENTER, TWO MEN LEAVE.

LAUGHTER ONE SLIGHTLY BEFORE THE OTHER ONE.

IT'S ALL GOING DOWN IN D.C. THIS SATURDAY NIGHT.

STREAM IT WITH YOUR FRIENDS, OR BETTER YET, SEPARATELY.

[LAUGHTER]

OBVIOUSLY WITH THREE DAYS TO GO, I'M GOING THE MEADE SOME DEBATE PREP FACING OFF AGAINST O'REILLY, BUT WHO COULD POSSIBLY

STAND IN FOR MAN LIKE THE PAPA BEAR, A RIGHT-WING TRADITIONALIST WHO ISN'T AFRAID TO PEEK HIS MIND, AN AMERICAN

WHO LOVES HIS COUNTRY MORE THAN HE LOVES HIMSELF, AND HE REALLY LOVES HIMSELF QUITE A BIT?

WHO COULD FILL THOSE SHOES?

IT'S NO ONE, NO ONE.

♪♪ ♪♪

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN"]

JON JON YOU WORKING OUT?

WOW.

I AM SHOCKED.

WOW.

>> Stephen: EXCUSE ME.

>> Jon: I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

>> Stephen: I CAN'T HEAR A WORD.

MAY I BE OF SOME ASSISTANCE, JON?

>> Jon: I'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU BE HERE.

LET'S DO THIS.

>> Stephen: GUNTER, BJORN, STAND DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, JON, GET YOURSELF A PODIUM.

LET'S DO THIS THING.

>> Jon: OH, YOU WANT ME TO GET A PODIUM?

OKAY.

I GUESS I'LL GET ONE THEN.

OKAY.

JUST SON OF A...

>> Stephen: DON'T HELP HIM.

DON'T HELP HIM.

>> Jon: OH, SON OF A...

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

>> Stephen: JON, YOU HAVE ALREADY MADE YOUR FIRST MISTAKE.

YOU ALLOWED ME TO MAKE A BIGGER ENTRANCE THAN YOU.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

SO LET'S DO THIS.

YOU GOT THE PLAY O'REILLY IN THIS.

>> Stephen: I'LL TRY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: YOU GOT TO EMBODY A LARGER-THAN-LIFE CONSERVATIVE PUNDIT.

>> Stephen: I LOVE NEW CHALLENGE, JON.

LET'S DO THIS THING.

WILL LYING THIS CANDLE.

>> Jon: LET'S START WITH A TOPIC.

AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM.

>> Stephen: PERFECT, JON.

THAT'S ACTUALLY FIRST CHAPTER OF MY NEW BOOK "AMERICA AGAIN: REBECOME THE GREATNESS WE NEVER WEREN'T" RELEASED YESTERDAY AND

AVAILABLE IN AUDIO BOOK, E-BOOK AND BOOK BOOK.

"AMERICA IS EXCEPTIONAL.

DOES THAT STATEMENT SHOCK YOU?

IT SHOCKED ME TO HAVE TO SAY IT.

TO BE FORCED BY YOUR DOUBT TO SAY OUT LOUD THAT AMERICA IS EXCEPTIONAL IMPLIES SOMETHING UGLY.

IT'S LIKE TELLING THE HOST OF A DINNER PARTY, I'M CERTAIN YOUR WIFE IS A FEMALE."

[LAUGHTER]

"SAYING IT OUT LOUD FEELS WRONG, NO MATTER HOW LARGE HER HANDS ARE.

>> Jon: WOW.

WOW.

THAT WAS BEAT OPENING.

THAT WAS FANTASTIC.

>> Stephen: YOU JUST LOST, JON.

NEVER COMPLIMENT YOUR OPPONENT.

REMEMBER THE DEBATE A, B, Cs -- ALWAYS BE ATTACKING.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: I THINK YOU'RE MISSPELLING ATTACKING.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU SAYING THE WORD "ATTACKING" DOESN'T HAVE THE LETTER C IN IT?

>> Jon: OF COURSE IT HAS A "C" IN IT.

>> Stephen: YOU JUST LOST AGAIN.

NEVER ADMIT YOUR OPPONENT IS RIGHT, EVEN OR ESPECIALLY IF IT IS.

THAT'S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS.

THEY WILL GO FOR THE THROAT.

>> Jon: I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID, STEPHEN, I'M NOT SURE I AGREE WITH YOUR LARGER POINT.

>> Stephen: CAN I INTERRUPT YOU AGAIN?

>> Jon: YES.

>> Stephen: NEVER EVER LET SOMEONE INTERRUPT YOU.

>> Jon: I'M BAD AT THIS.

>> Stephen: NO [BLEEPED], SHYLOCK.

>> Jon: YOU MEAN SHERLOCK?

>> Stephen: SURE.

YOU'RE IN WORSE SHAPE THAN I THOUGHT.

GUNTHER, FETCH ME CLUCKER CARLSON.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> Stephen: IT'S JON.

HE'S MAN-EATER, JON.

BE CAREFUL.

FROM NOW UNTIL SATURDAY, JON, YOU MUST DO EXACTLY WHAT I TELL YOU.

NO QUESTIONS.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO RELEASE THIS CHICKEN, GORGEOUS AMERICAN-BRED HEN INTO YOUR STUDIO AND YOU MUST CATCH IT.

>> Jon: OH, OKAY.

"ROCKIMENT" AND THEN ONCE I CATCH THE CHICKEN, I AM READY TO DEBATE.

>> Stephen: NO.

NO, NO, JON.

FIRST YOU CATCH THE CHICKEN.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> Stephen: THEN YOU MUST USE THE CHICKEN...

>> Jon: YES?

>> Stephen:...TO WAX A CAR.

WAX ON.

WAX OFF.

>> Jon: OKAY.

>> Stephen: THERE'S A GRAY AUDI S-5 PARKED OUTSIDE THE STUDIO RIGHT NOW.

>> Jon: I SEE, A GRAY AUDI S-5.

SO AFTER I USE THE CHICKEN TO WASH YOUR CAR, AM ID AREDY?

>> Stephen: NO, JON.

NOT EVEN CLOSE, BECAUSE TO DEFEAT BILL O'REILLY, YOU MUST FIRST CATCH THE BIRD, WAX MY CAR, THEN TO ABSORB ITS SOUL,

YOU MUST THEN MAKE THIS BIRD INTO A CHICK-FIL-A SANDWICH.

>>

>> Jon: OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

>> Stephen: YES.

>> Jon: NO, THAT IS COMPLETELY ABSURD.

>> Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO WIN?

>> Jon: I DO WANT THE WIN.

>> Stephen: THEN LET THE TRAINING BEGIN.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

THAT WAS ACTUALLY SOMEWHAT EASIER THAN I HAD ANTICIPATED.

>> Stephen: THE STUDENT HAS BECOME THE MASTER.

LET'S GO WAX THAT CAR!

>> Jon: LET'S DO IT.

STEPHEN COLBERT, EVERYBODY.

>> Stephen: GUNTHER, LET'S

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