Judge Johnny - Halliburton

  • Aired:  07/30/13
  •  | Views: 45,164

Judge Johnny issues a ruling on Halliburton's role in the cover-up following the BP Deepwater Horizon oil spill. (4:46)

>> John: WELCOME TO THE DAILY

SHOW.

MY NAME IS JOHN OLIVER.

I'M STILL SITTING IN FOR JON

STEWART.

HE IS WAITING AT HOME FOR TIME

WARNER TO COME FIX HIS CABLE.

THEY SAID THEY'D BE THERE

BETWEEN NOON AND 2:00 ON JUNE

10.

FRANKLY HE'S STILL WAITING

THERE.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT FROM PROJECT

RUNWAY, MR. TIM GUNN IS WITH US.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

A GLORIOUS HUMAN BEING.

BUT WE START TONIGHT WITH

JUSTICE.

NOW EARLIER THIS SUMMER WE HEARD

A LOT ABOUT THE SUPREME COURT

WHICH LIKEDDED GAY MARRIAGE BUT

NOT SOUTHERN MINORITIES' ABILITY

TO VOTE FOR IT.

BUT THERE ARE OTHER MUCH LESS

SUPREME COURTS.

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE

SITTING IN ONE RIGHT NOW?

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

INSTALLMENT OF JUDGE JOHNNY.

BAIL LIVE, SHOOT THAT MAN.

>> YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE

COURTROOM OF JUDGE JOHNNY

OLIVER.

>> MELISSA, PLEASE PASS YOUR

KNIVES AND GO.

>> HE'S NOT LEGALLY TRAINED.

HIS UNDERSTANDING OF THE

JUDICIAL SYSTEM IS BASED

ENTIRELY ON RERUNS OF NIGHT

COURT.

>> ALL RIGHT, BOYS, HIT THE

SHOWERS.

>> HIS DECISIONS ARE GENERALLY

BAD.

THIS IS JUDGE JOHNNY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> COURT IS IN SESSION.

JASON JONES, PLEASE CALL

TONIGHT'S FIRST DEFENDANT.

>> JUDGE JOHNNY, THE PEOPLE CALL

THE HALLIBURTON CORPORATION.

YOU MAY KNOW THEM AS DICK

CHENEYs FORMER COMPANY THAT

WAS AWARDED SWEETHEART DEALS IN

IRAQ, BRIBED NIGERIAN OFFICIALS,

PLED GUILTY TO VIOLATING THE

LIBYAN EMBARGO IN THE '90s AND

WAS STILL DOING BUSINESS WITH

IRAN AS LATE AS 2007.

THEY'VE DODGED JUSTICE SO FAR,

BUT WE'LL SEE IF THOSE

SHENANIGANS HOLD UP IN FRONT OF

JUDGE JOHNNY.

>> THANKS, JASON.

SO, I SEE THAT THIS CASE

CONCERNS THE AFTER MATH OF THE

B.P. DEEP WATER HORIZON OIL

SPILL.

WHAT'S THE CHARGE?

>> CEMENT USED BY HALLIBURTON

CONTRACTORS TO SEAL THE B.P.

WELL AGAINST EXPLOSIVE GASES WAS

UNSTABLE.

BOTH COMPANIES KNEW THIS TWO

MONTHS BEFORE THE DISASTER.

>> THE EVIDENCE THAT WAS

DESTROYED WAS PART OF SEVERAL

SIMULATIONS CONDUCTED IN THIS

POST INCIDENT EXAMINATION.

SNOP POOR PLANNING LEADING TO

MAJOR DESTRUCTION FOLLOWED BY

LYING AND COVER-UPS?

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THIS

MAN EVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH

HALLIBURTON.

WELL, STRAP IN, EVERYONE.

WE'RE PROBABLY LOOKING AT A LONG

COURT BATTLE IF HALLIBURTON

TRIES TO SNAKE THEIR WAY OUT OF

THIS.

>> HALLIBURTON ENERGY SERVICES

HAS AGREED TO PLEAD GUILTY TO

DESTRUCTION OF EVIDENCE.

THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT SAYS THE

COMPANY HAS AGREED TO PAY THE

MAXIMUM AVAILABLE FINE.

>> John: WOW, THE MAXIMUM

AVAILABLE FINE.

WHAT IS THAT?

A BAJILLION DOLLARS PLUS

INFINITY HOURS OF COMMUNITY

SERVICE, WRITING A HANDWRITTEN

APOLOGY NOTE TO EVERY LIVING

CREATURE AFFECTED BY THE SPILL?

JUDGE JOHNNY APPROVES OF THIS.

BUT JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, WHAT

ACTUALLY IS THE MAXIMUM FINE?

>> THE MAXIMUM STATUTORY FINE IN

THIS CASE, THAT IS $200,000.

>> John: $200,000?

SO YOU CAN RUIN THE GULF COAST

AND DESTROY THE EVIDENCE ALL FOR

THE PRICE OF FOUR TOYOTA AVALONS

AND HALF A SEMESTER AT N.Y.U.?

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

HOLD ON.

MAYBE THIS IS GOOD NEWS.

LET ME JUST DO THE MATH HERE.

200 MILLION GAL ONS SPILLED.

THAT COMES OUT OF ONE TENTH OF A

CENT PER GALLON SO WE DID IT.

WE BROUGHT DOWN OIL PRICES.

HERE IS THE AMAZING THING.

THAT PUNISHMENT WAS SO LIGHT,

EVEN HALLIBURTON WAS

UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT.

>> HALLIBURTON MADE A VOLUNTARY

CONTRIBUTION OF $55 MILLION TO

THE NATIONAL FISH AND WILDLIFE

FOUNDATION THAT WAS NOT

CONDITIONED ON THE COURT'S

ACCEPTANCE OF ITS PLEA

AGREEMENT.

>> John: MONEY THAT PRESUMABLY

WENT TOWARD ALL THOSE FISH

WIDOWS FINALLY GIVING THEIR

HUSBANDS THE FUNERALS THEY

DESERVE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

FISH CONDUCT FUNERALS LIKE

FLUSHING THEIR LOVED ONES DOWN A

SOLID GOLD TOILET.

THEY'RE ONLY GOING TO FORGET

THEM SEVEN SECONDS LATER.

BUT HALLIBURTON ESCAPES JUSTICE

ONCE AGAIN.

HOPEFULLY AT LEAST THEY'LL PAY

THE PRICE IN THE STOCK MARKET.

>> WITH THIS DEAL, CAROL, THE

JUSTICE DEPARTMENT IS AGREEING

TO NOT PURSUE ANY MORE CRIMINAL

CHARGES AGAINST HALLIBURTON.

ON THIS NEWS, HALLIBURTON SHARES

ARE UP 2% IN FREE MARKET

TRADING.

>> John: THE SHARES WENT UP?

OKAY.

I'M READY TO RULE ON THIS.

IN THE CASE OF HALLIBURTON

VERSUS ANY SENSE OF HUMANITY, I

FIND THAT HALLIBURTON CAN GO EAT

A BAG OF THIS.

ORDER.

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