Jon Learns What Happened Over the Summer

  • Aired:  09/03/13
  •  | Views: 176,251

Jon returns to the show and John Oliver remembers Carlos Danger and the summer's best stories. (5:00)

>> Stewart: HEY, EVERYBODY!

HOW ARE YOU?

>> WHAT'S HAPPENING? NICE TO

SEE YOU! AH, AH!

>> THIS IS THE DAILY SHOW.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

A GREAT ONE TONIGHT.

ANDREW HARPER, THE HEAD OF THE

U.N. AGENCY REFUGEE CAMP ON THE

SYRIAN BORDER IN JORDAN.

>> WHEE!

>> I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

>> YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS

LIKE OUT THERE.

LIVING ALL BY MYSELF.

NOBODY TO APPLAUD EVERY STUPID

LITTLE (BLEEP) YOU DO!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I AM SO

EXCITED TO BE BACK.

I LEARNED AN AWFUL LOT THIS

SUMMER.

ONE, I LEARNED I HAVE THE BARD

OF A 90-YEAR-OLD PROSPECTOR.

I LEARNED THAT I AM WESTERN.

BECAUSE FOR ALL THAT I

APPRECIATED AND LEARNED ABOUT

THE CULTURE THAT I WAS IMMERSED

IN, BOY, I AM WESTERN.

IN ALL ITS GLORIOUS DECADENT

IMPER TECH SHUNLS, I RECALL

DRIVING BACK TO NEW YORK CITY

THINKING, HELLO DILDO SHOP NEAR

A SCHOOL.

I LEARNED SOMETHING I ALREADY

KNEW WHICH IS I TRULY HAVE THE

FINEST STAFF AND CREW IN ALL OF

TELEVISION AND I WANT TO THANK

THEM.

THEY HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> I WILL SAY THIS.

HERE IS SOMETHING ELSE I KNEW.

I KNEW JOHN OLIVER WAS

INCREDIBLY TALENTED AND DO

GREAT.

WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW IS THAT JOHN

OLIVER HAS DIMPLES YOU CAN LOSE

YOURSELF IN.

I WOULD LIKE TO BRING OUR THE

MAN OF THE SUMMER, MR. JOHN

OLIVER.

MR. JOHN OLIVER, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Stewart: JOHN OLIVER!

>> NICE JOB!

>> Stewart: I HAVE TO TELL

YOU, MAN, YOU DID AN

UNBELIEVABLE JOB AND I WAS SO --

I KNEW EXACTLY HOW YOU WOULD DO.

I WAS JUST SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND

HAPPY FOR THE SHOW.

YOU DID A GREAT JOB.

>> THANKS.

IT WAS FUN.

IT WAS A HUGE AMOUNT OF FUN.

WE HAD SOME REALLY GREAT STORIES

TO PLAY WITH.

THE ROYAL BABY.

YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED THAT.

>> Stewart: WOULD HAVE LOVED

THAT.

>> PUNCHED A HORSE IN THE FACE.

THERE WERE SHARK-NADOS.

>> PAULA DEEN USED THE N WORD.

>> WE HAVE A MARCHING BAND IN

HERE.

I FORGET WHY.

OH, AND FOR SOME THE REASON

REGIS PHILBIN KISSED ME ON THE

HEAD.

IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.

I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.

REMEMBER YOUR FRIEND ANTHONY

WEINER?

>> YES, YES! HOW IS HE DOING?

I HAVEN'T SPOKEN WITH HIM IN A

WHILE,?

>> IT IS A GOOD QUESTION.

FOR A START, NO ONE REALLY CALLS

HIM ANTHONY WEINER ANYMORE.

>> Stewart: OH, GO AHEAD, GO

AHEAD.

>> THEY CALL HIM MR. MAYOR IS

THAT WHAT IT IS?

>> SOME SORT OF ALTER EGO.

>> HE ACTUALLY DOES, A VERY REAL

ALTER EGO.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

HE DOES HAVE THAT.

>> Stewart: WHAT IS THAT?

>> DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT.

>> Stewart: NO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> NO, NO, NO.

>> Stewart: HOW RIDICULOUS

COULD BIT?

>> WELL, LET ME TELL YOU.

IT IS CARLOS DANGER!

>> DANGER!

>>

>> Stewart: WHY DID THAT JUST

HAPPEN? WHAT WAS THAT?

>> LISTEN, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET

GOING.

WHAT KIND OF FUN STORY AM I

GETTING BACK TO? LIKE A

COMPTROLLER IN NEW YORK THAT

TAKES SELFIES OF HIMSELF?

RACIAL RAGE? SOMETHING TERRIBLE

ABOUT CHINESE PEOPLE? WHAT HAVE

YOU GOT LINED UP FOR TODAY.

>> AFTER NEARLY TWO AND A HALF

YEARS OF CIVIL WAR IN SYRIA,

MULTIPLE REPORTS OF LARGE

CHEMICAL WEAPONS ATTACKS IN 25

YEARS, THE WHITE HOUSE IS POISED

FOR ACTION AGAINST PRESIDENT

BASHAR AL-ASSAD.

>> Stewart: GOOD LUCK WITH

THAT! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

MAYBE WE CAN STILL HAVE SOME

FUN.

THE PEOPLE OF SYRIA SEEM TO BE

IN A LOT OF DANGER.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT!

ANYWAY YOU CAN HAVE FUN AND IT

IS GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK.

ONE MORE THING.

CROSSFIRE RETURNS NEXT MONDAY ON

CC -- CNN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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