Indecision 2012 - Oh My God, Rick Perry Is Going to Be Our Next President

  • Aired:  09/07/11
  •  | Views: 191,245

Both Republican front-runners, Mitt Romney and Rick Perry, have been governors and could be cast in a middle-aged male kayaker with prostate problems ad. (5:34)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW" TONIGHT.

I'M JON STEWART.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT FROM CNN,

DR. SANJAY GROUP TAMP HE WILL BE

HERE SHORTLY TO LOOK AT THIS

THING.

BUT BEFORE WE GET STARTED,

OBVIOUSLY EARLIER TONIGHT THE

COUNTRY WITNESSED HISTORY.

TONIGHT WAS FIRST REPUBLICAN

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE TO INCLUDE

THE CURRENT FRONT-RUNNER,

GOVERNOR RICK PERRY.

OBVIOUSLY THE DEBATE HAPPENED IN

THAT SMALL WINDOW OF TIME AFTER

OUR TAPING AND BEFORE OUR AIRING

KNOWN AS "THE TIME WHEN

EVERYTHING INTERESTING HAPPENS."

[LAUGHTER]

SO I CAN'T TELL YOU FOR CERTAIN

HOW GOVERNOR PERRY FARED OR WHAT

IT WAS THAT CAUSED NEWT GINGRICH

TO FLOP DOWN ON THE FLOOR

INDIAN-LIKE STYLE AND BEGIN

THROWING HIS OWN FECES AT THE

MODERATOR, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE

IT HAPPENED.

BUT I CAN TELL YOU THRVEG RIGHT

NOW IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY,

IT'S A WATTLE BETWEEN MITT

ROMNEY AND RICK PERRY.

BOTH MEN HAVE BEEN GOVERNORS,

AND BOTH COULD HAVE JUST AS

EASILY FOUND THEMSELVES CAST IN

ONE OF THOSE MIDDLE AGED KAYAKER

WITH PROSTATE PROBLEMS

ADVERTISEMENT.

THOSE ARE SOME RUGGED, HANDSOME,

BIG PROSTATE MOTHER [BLEEPED].

BUT I'M GOING TO TELL YOU

SOMETHING, RICK PERRY WASN'T

WAITING FOR THE DEBATE TO TAKE

HIS SHOT.

>> A DAY EARLIER HE TOOK A SWIPE

AT ROMNEY.

>> ONE IN PARTICULAR THAT'S

CREATED JOBS ALL OVER THE WORLD,

BUT WHILE HE WAS THE GOVERNOR OF

MASSACHUSETTS, HE DIDN'T CREATE

VERY MANY JOBS.

>> Jon: CLEVER.

NICE DOWN-HOME QUALITY TO THAT.

ALTHOUGH IF I'M PERRY'S CAMPAIGN

MANAGER...

[LAUGHTER]

THE ONE CRITICISM I WOULD HAVE

IS TO TRY NOT TO MOVE AROUND IN

YOUR CHAIR LIKE YOU NEED YOUR

ANAL GLANSDS SQUEEZED.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PLANT YOURSELF

AND JUST... GUESS WHAT?

ROMNEY ISN'T GOING TO TAKE

PERRY'S ENTRANCE INTO THE RACE

LYING DOWN.

YESTERDAY ROMNEY GOT OUT IN

FRONT OF BARACK OBAMA'S JOINT

SESSION JOBA LOU DISA SPEECH BUT

UNVEILING HIS OWN ROMNEY JOBS

PLAN WHICH HE SHARED WITH

AMERICA WHILE STANDING IN FRONT

OF AMERICA'S MOST PATRIOTIC

SERVICE ELEVATOR.

>> IT'S ABOUT 150 PAGES WITH 59

DIFFERENT POLICY IDEAS.

IF YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO GET ONE

IN YOUR HAND, YOU CAN GO ON

AMAZON KINDLE AND... I DON'T

KNOW IF IT'S FREE OR NOT, I

HOPE, SO BUT MAYBE NOT.

YOU CAN GET ONE OF THESE AND

TAKE A LOOK.

IT'S IN COLOR ON KINDLE

>> Jon: FIRST OF ALL, YOU

DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOUR

ECONOMIC PLAN COSTS PEOPLE TO

GET.

ALL RIGHT.

LEFT

[LAUGHTER]

AND SECONDLY, OH, GOOD, IT'S IN

COLOR.

BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOUR 150-PAGE

ECONOMIC PLAN MIGHT BE BORING TO

READ.

GO AHEAD.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOUR STRATEGY

FOR CREATING JOBS THAT'S

SUPERIOR TO THE PRESIDENT'S

PLAN, OF WHICH NONE OF US HAS

ACTUALLY YET HEARD.

>> PRESIDENT BUM'S STRATEGY IS A

PAYPHONE STRATEGY AND WE'RE IN A

SMART PHONE WORLD, AND SO WE'RE

GOING TO HAVE TO CHANGE WHAT

HE'S DOING IS TAKING QUARTERS

AND STUFFING THEM INTO THE

PAYPHONE AND THINKING, CAN'T

FIGURE OUT WHY IT'S NOT WORKING.

IT'S NOT CONNECTED ANYMORE,

MR. PRESIDENT.

YOUR PAYPHONE STRATEGY DOES NOT

WORK IN A SMART PHONE WORLD.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, OBAMA IS NOT

THE ONLY ONE CAUGHT IN THIS

PAYPHONE SMART PHONE TRANSITION.

I MEAN, SUPERMAN, YOU KNOW HOW

HARD IT IS FOR SUPERMAN TO

CHANGE IN THE iPHONE?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT, OUR ECONOMY IS IN

THE [BLEEPED].

ALL IDEAS ON THE TABLE.

WHAT'S YOUR VISION?

>> I WANT TO DESCRIBE FOR YOU

THE VISION I HAVE FOR WHAT THIS

COUNTRY OUGHT TO LOOK LIKE DOWN

THE ROAD.

AMERICA SHOULD BE A JOB MACHINE,

JOBS BEING CREATED ALL THE TIME.

WE SHOULD HAVE A JOB-CREATING

MACHINE IN AMERICA.

>> OF COURSE.

A JOB MACHINE.

IT'S SO EASY.

IT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR

FACES.

JOB MACHINE.

AND INSTEAD OF GOING TO WAR, WE

SHOULD COME UP WITH SOME SORT OF

PEACE MACHINE.

AND AN ANTI-CANCER ICE CREAM.

WHAT ELSE YOU GOT, IDEA MACHINE?

>> WE'VE GOT TO STOP THIS

EXTRAORDINARY WEIGHT, THIS

BURDEN THAT WE'VE PLACED ON

SMALL BUSINESSES.

WE'RE GOING TO SAY OVER THE

DEPARTMENT IN GOVERNMENT, IF YOU

HAVE A NEW REGULATION YOU WANT

TO ENACT, YOU HAVE TO REMOVE

ANOTHER REGULATION OF EQUAL

SCALE.

>> Jon: IT'S SO BRILLIANTLY

ARBITRARY.

[LAUGHTER]

PERFECT.

THERE YOU GO.

YOU WANT HIGHER FUEL EFFICIENCY,

DO YOU?

WELL, THAT MEANS WE GET TO PUT

MOUTH TURDS BACK IN BUNNIES.

YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT SO WAD

AL GORE CAN TASTE IT.

LISTEN.

ALL RIGHT, FINE, LET'S LET PERRY

HAVE AUTHENTICITY, YOU'RE THE

SMART GUY.

YOU'RE THE NUMBERS GUY.

>> I JUST WANT THE TALK TO YOU

ACT OUR ECONOMY.

ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING TO

AMERICAN FAMILIES.

MIDDLE-INCOME AMERICAN, THE

AVERAGE AMERICAN OUGHT TO HAVE

THE HIGHEST INCOME IN THE WORLD.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: YOU DO REALIZE THAT IS

MATHEMATICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

THE AVERAGE AMERICAN, IF HE WAS

THE RICHEST, YOU KNOW WHAT,

[BLEEPED] IT, LET'S JUST

INTRODUCE OUR NEW SEGMENT, "OH

MY GOD, RICK PERRY IS GOING

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