Sir Archibald Mapsalot III

  • Aired:  09/04/13
  •  | Views: 125,474

Sir Archibald Mapsalot III explains why it's not racist for a strong white hand to draw arbitrary lines betwixt Middle Eastern tribal allegiances. (4:07)

ALL! ANY TIME WE JUST WENT BACK

TO WHERE A LOT OF THESE PROBLEMS

STARTED.

THE ORIGINAL SIN, THE BRITISH

MAN 100 YEARS AGO DRAWING A MAP

OF A PLACE HE NEVER HAD BEEN TO

FILLED WITH PEOPLE HE NEVER MET,

FORMING NEW COUNTRIES WITH NO

ATTENTION PAID TO ETHNIC RACE OR

TENSIONS.

>> I GIVE YOU SIR MAPS A,

ARCHIBALD MAPS A LOT III.

>> NICE TO SEE YOU, SIR!

>> ABSOLUTE PLEASURE TO BE HERE,

JON! NOW WHAT IS ALL THE BOTHER

ABOUT.

>> IT IS ACTUALLY AMOUNT THE

MIDDLE EAST, ARCHIBALD.

>> GHASTLY PLACE, HAVEN'T BEEN

THERE, DON'T WANT TO.

INDIA, THAT IS A PLAYING WORTH

SUBJUGATING.

>> Stewart: THE BORDER THAT

YOU DREW BACK AFTER WORLD WAR 1.

>> YEP.

>> Stewart: WELL, THEY HAVE

PROVEN TO BE A LITTLE UNSTABLE

AND SOMEWHAT CONTROVERSIAL.

>> REALLY? NOT A PROBLEM.

WE WILL JUST DRAW THEM AGAIN.

IN NOT A PROBLEM.

YES.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

>> Stewart: THAT'S A PROBLEM.

YOU ARE A LITTLE CAVALIER ABOUT

THIS.

>> THIS TIME I WILL TAKE CARE.

A QUICK SCRIBBLE BEFORE YOU KNOW

IT, IT IS GIN O'CLOCK, LET'S

TAKE A LOOK.

YEP, YEP, I SEE YOUR PROBLEM

RIGHT HERE.

THE LINES ARE TOO SQUIGGLY.

>> AS MY FATHER ONCE TOLD ME

WHEN BORDERS GET SQUIGGLY,

PEOPLE GET SQUIGGLY, WHAT YOU

WANT IS A NICE STRAIGHT LINE,

JON, STRAIGHT AS YOU, CAN LIKE

THAT.

LOVELY.

LOVELY.

>> Stewart: WHAT YOU HAVE DONE

THOUGH YOU HAVE TAKEN SOME LAND

FROM TURKEY AND NOW A KURDISH

POPULATION IN A DISPUTED ZONE.

>> THAT IS A WHO LIVING IN A

WHERE, JON? THIS IS

IMPERIALISM, BOY, FIRST RULE IS

DON'T OVER THINK IT, SECOND

RULE, DON'T THINK AT ALL! CHECK

YOUR BRAIN AT THE DOOR WITH YOUR

BRAWLEY, THEY WILL LEARN TO LIVE

WITH IT AND IF NOT WHO REALLY

CARES.

SEE HOW EASY THIS IS, PUSH POSH,

PUT IN THE STRAIGHT, LOVELY AND

TAKE OUT THE JIGGLES, THERE YOU

GO, THERE YOU GO AND WE ARE

DONE, TIME FOR A NAUGHTY SHERRY

BECAUSE IF I KNOW ARABS, JON,

AND BELIEVE ME, I DO NOT -- THEY

LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN ALCOHOL

AFTER A GOOD WESTERN

INTERVENTION.

>> Stewart: WHAT YOU ARE DOING

THERE, SEE THAT IS TECHNICALLY

IRAN IS NOT ARAB.

THEY ARE PERSIAN.

>> WHAT? PERSIAN?

>> Stewart: YES.

>> YOU ARE SAYING THEY ARE CATS?

>> Stewart: NO, I AM NOT.

>> CATS AND RUSSIAN LIVING SIDE

BY SIDE.

OH, IT WILL NEVER WORK, JON!

THEY ARE NATURAL ENEMIES.

>> Stewart: I UNDERSTAND THAT.

I KNOW THAT CATS AND RUSSIAN ARE

NATURAL -- LOOK, THAT IS NOT

WHAT PERSIANS -- WHY DIDN'T YOU

TOUCH SAUDI ARABIA, BY THE WAY.

>> WHY TOUCH SAUDI ARABIA,

JONATHAN? THEY ARE A GOOD

DECENT OIL PRODUCING PEOPLE!

>> Stewart: I DON'T THINK THIS

IS GOING TO WORK OUT.

>> LOOK, THERE IS NOTHING THE

ARABS RESPECT, JON, MORE THAN A

STRONG, STEADY WHITE HAND

DRAWING ARBITRARY LINES TO

THEIR, TO, AGAINST THEIR

RIDICULOUS TRIBAL ALLEGIANCES.

>> Stewart: THAT SEEMS A BUILT

RACIST.

>> YOU ARE CALLING ME A WHAT?

>> Stewart: THAT IS A BIT

RACIST.

> BA, BA, BA, STEADY THAT SHIP!

TO CALL ME RACIST WOULD BE TO

IMPLY I CARED ENOUGH TO HATE

THEM.

OH, OR, OR WITH A INTERESTING

MUST HAVE TO LEARN SOMETHING

ABOUT THEM TO DISLIKE.

THAT'S IT.

>> Stewart: THAT IS EXACTLY

THE KIND OF MINDLESS IMPERIALISM

THAT GOT US INTO THIS SITUATION.

YOUR CASUAL IGNORANCE HAS DOOMED

THE REGION TO EXIST IN A

PERPETUAL STATE, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT

NOW?

>> I AM PLAYING POKER.

>> Stewart: WAIT! WHY? WHY?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Stewart: WHY?

>> BECAUSE YOU ARE BORING ME,

JON.

AND THIS IS WHAT REAL GENTLEMEN

DO.

THEY PLAY POKER ON THEIR IPHONES

WHENEVER THEY BECOME

INEXPLICABLY BORED BY SOMETHING

INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT.

I BID YOU GOOD DAY, SIR.

>> Stewart: SIR ARCHIBALD --

>> I BID YOU GOOD DAY!

>> Stewart: SIR

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