Newsleaks

  • Aired:  06/13/12
  •  | Views: 46,224

Critics suggest that the motive behind White House leaks of classified drone strike assassination protocol is that they make Barack Obama look good. (5:01)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: EARLIER IN THE PROGRAM, WE WERE DISCUSSING THE AMOUNT OF SOMETIMES PERSONALLY

HUMILIATING THINGS YOU HAVE TO DO TO RAISE MONEY IF YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

THE QUESTION IS WHY?

WHY WOULD SOMEONE PUT THEMSELVES THROUGH THAT?

WELL, PRETTY GOOD TO BE THE PRESIDENT-- ROOM AND BOARD, FREE TRAVEL, ALL THE PODIUMS CAN STAND AT.

AND SOME OTHER PERKS.

>> THE "NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTS THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS GIVEN

HIMSELF THE FINAL WORD IN A TOP-SECRET NOMINATING PROCESS TO PLACE TERROR SUSPECTS ON A KILL LIST.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA IS INTIMATELY INVOLVED IN THE DISCUSSIONS OF SUSPECTED TERRORISTS AND THE

DECISION OVER WHO DIES NEXT.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: MOMMA.

OBAMA HAS A KILL LIST?

I'M ASSUMING IT GOES ALONG WITH THE MARRY LIST AND ( BLEEP ).

IT'S JUST ONE BIG MISTAKE.

IT'S CONFUSION-- OH, OSAMA BIN LADEN, KATE UPTON AND MICHELLE.

THAT'S AN EASY ONE.

( LAUGHTER ) WITH A KILL LIST, HOW DO WE MAKE SURE WE'RE MINIMIZING ANY SORT

OF NON-SUPPOSED-TO-BE-RELATED KILLED.

>> WE HAVE AT OUR DISPOSAL,

TOOLS THAT MAKE AVOIDANCE OF CIVILIAN CASUALTIES MUCH EASIER.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: I GUESS THE DRONES ARE BOOING BIMETRIC READINGS AND CROSS-REFERENCEs DOBSES OF

KNOWN CRIMINALS.

THAT'S PROBABLY HOW WE DO IT, I WOULD GUESS.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS ORDERED THAT ALL MILITARY-AGED MALES KILLED WITHIN RANGE OF A DRONE

STRIKE BE COUNTED AS ENEMY COMBATANTS.

>> Jon: OR WE COULD JUST CHANGE THE MEANING OF THE WORDS.

THAT'S OTHER WAY.

YOU COULD JUST CHANGE CHANGE THE MEANING OF "CIVILIANS" AND ANY FEMALES WE END UP KILL.

THEY'RE NOT WOMEN.

THEY'RE NINJAS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) LOOK, IF THE PRESIDENT CAN JUST CHANGE THE MEANING OF WORDS, WHY

CAN'T THE REST OF US?

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DECRIMINALIZING POT.

FROM NOW I'M JUST GOING TO CALL IT SMOKEABLE BEER ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW IT'S LEGAL!

PLEASE TELL ME PEOPLE ARE UPSET ABOUT THIS.

>>ANG OR CAPITOL HILL IS MOUNTING.

>> LAMBS IN BOTH PARTIES ARE CALLING FOR CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS ON THE MATTER.

>> THERE SHOULD BE AN INVESTIGATION, AND I THINK IT CRIES OUT FOR SPECIAL COUNSEL.

>> IT'S VERY, VERY DISTURBING.

>> Jon: FINALLY, BIPARTISAN AGREEMENT ON SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

ARE WE SACRIFICING OUR VALUES?

THAT IS WHAT'S UPSETTING EVERYBODY, RIGHT?

>> SOMEBODY IS LEAKING SECRET NATIONAL SECURITY INTELLIGENCE TO THE PUBLIC.

>> THESE LEAKS HAVE TO STOP.

>> THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST SERIOUS BREACHES IN THE LAST COUPLE OF ARTICLES THAT HAVE

COME OUT THAT I HAVE SEEN.

>> THIS IS MOST SHAMEFUL CASCADE OF LEAKS I HAVE EVER HEARD OR SEEN IN GOVERNMENT.

>> AN AVALANCHE OF LEAKS.

PEOPLE JUST TALK TOO MUCH.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT?

IT IS AN UNCONCEIVABLE BREACH OF UNIVERSAL HUMAN RIGHTS TO TELL US ABOUT THE KILL LIST.

( LAUGHTER ) THE PRESIDENT'S KILLING PEOPLE WITH FLYING ROBOTS, AND YOU SHOULD NOT KNOW THAT!

>> THE BIG QUESTION WAS ANYONE IN THE ADMINISTRATION RESPONSIBLE, AND IF SO, DID THEY

DO IT FOR POLITICAL REASONS?

>> WE'VE HAD THREE LEAKS OF-- OF-- OF INTELLIGENCE THAT PAINT THE PRESIDENT AS A STRONG LEADER.

>> THE ONLY CONCEIVABLE MOTTIVE FOR SUCH DAMAGING AND COMPROMISING LEAKS OF CLASSIFIED

INFORMATION IS THAT IT MAKES THE PRESIDENT LOOK GOOD.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: ( BLEEP ),

( BLEEP ).

HAVE YOU REDEFINED THE WORD "GOOD "AS WELL.

HERE'S THE LEAK THAT WOULD MAKE THE PRESIDENT LOOK GOOD.

THE PRESIDENT HAS A SECRET PROGRAM TO ANSWER EVERY CHILD'S LETTER TO SANTA CLAUS.

THE PRESIDENT KEEPS A CLASSIFIED LISTS OF THINGS HE'S LOVES ABOUT HIS FAMILY.

( LAUGHTER ) I JUST-- I JUST HEARD FROM A-- AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE THAT THE

PRESIDENT FIGHTS CRIME AT NIGHT AS BATMAN.

THAT MAKES HIM LOOK GOOD.

OF COURSE THE PRESIDENT HAS DEFENDED HIS ADMINISTRATION.

THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW.

>> IF WE CAN ROOT OUT FOLKS WHO HAVE LEAKED, THEY WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES.

( LAUGHTER )

Loading...