Presumed Guiltocent

  • Aired:  06/25/13
  •  | Views: 57,025

George Zimmerman's lawyer discovers that a murder trial is not the best place to try out untested comedic material. (5:40)

>> THE SUPREME COURT ISN'T

THE ONLY COURT IN THE LAND.

LET'S CHECK IN WITH OUR

CRIMINAL COURTS.

YESTERDAY THE BEGUN THE

TRIAL OF GEORGE ZIMMERMAN

WHO STAND AS CAUSED OF

MURDERING TRAYVON MARTIN, A

TRAGIC INCIDENT AND I DO NOT

WANT TO BE GLIB BY MAKING A

JOKE ABOUT THIS, SO LET'S

JUST SEE HOW THE FIRST DAY

WENT.

>> THE WAY THE DEFENSE BEGAN

ITS STATEMENTS, REPORTEDLY

LEFT FOLKS IN THE COURTROOM

STONE-FACED, A JOKE THAT

FELL FLAT.

>> NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, HE DID NOT DO THAT.

PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME THAT

ZIMMERMAN'S LAWYER DID NOT

OPEN WITH A JOKE.

>> LET ME SAY I WOULD LIKE

TO TELL YOU A LITTLE JOKE.

>> AS LONG AS YOU DON'T-- IF

YOU DON'T LIKE IT OR YOU

DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY OR

APPROPRIATE, THAT YOU DON'T

HOLD IT AGAINST

MR. ZIMMERMAN.

YOU CAN HOLD IT AGAINST ME

IF YOU WANT BUT NOT

MR. ZIMMERMAN.

IF I HAVE YOUR ASSURANCE YOU

WON'T --

>> YOU GOT TO LOVE LAWYER

JOKES, BY THE WAY, ALWAYS

PREFACED WITH A LENGTHY

DISCLAIMER PREASSIGNING

LEGAL LIABILITY TO ANY

DAMAGE THAT THE JOKE MIGHT

INCUR.

(APPLAUSE)

THE FOLLOWING JOKE HERE

AFTER REFERRED TO AS THE

JOKE IS PROVIDED SOLELY TO

AMUSE AND ENTERTAIN THE

LISSER OWNERS.

THE JOKE TELLER-- RESULTING

FROM ANY OFFENSE, EMBARRASSITY

RAISED BY SAID JOKE, PAR 2

THE JOKE THIS JOKE PROVIDES

THAT A RABBI AN PROCEDURES

PURSUANT TO AN ORAL

AGREEMENT JOINTLY PURCHASE A

CAR HEREAFTER REFERRED TO AS

THE AUTOMOBILE.

AFTER THE SAID PURCHASE, THE

RABBI WITNESSES THE PRIEST

SPRINKLING WATER ON THE

AUTOMOBILE AND ASKS WHAT ARE

YOU DOING?

THE PRIEST ALLEGEDLY

RESPONDED THAT HE WAS

BLESSING THE AUTOMOBILE.

ALTHOUGH THE DESCRIPTION OF

THIS STATEMENT IS NOT

INTENDED TO PROVE THE TRUTH

OF THE MATTER ASSERTED, NOR

TO ENDORSE THE EXISTENCE OR

EFFECTIVENESS OF A BLESSING.

THE RABBI REPLIES OKAY,

SINCE WE'RE DOING THAT, AND

TAKES OUT A HAX SAW AND CUTS

TWO INCHES OFF THE TAILPIPE.

THE JOKE TELLER OBSERVES ALL

RIGHTS CONCERNING THE

REPUTATION, DISSEMINATION

AND MODIFICATION OF SAID

JOKE, I AM OUTA HERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OKAY.

THAT'S FUNNY, PEOPLE, ALL

RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, DEFENSE ATTORNEY

DON WEST, YOU HAD A YEAR OF

PREPARATION TO WRITE THIS

JOKE.

TO DO IT IN THIS SCENARIO,

YOU MUST BE CONFIDENT IN IT.

TAKE IT AWAY.

>> HERE'S HOW IT GOES.

NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE.

WHO'S THERE.

GEORGE ZIMMERMAN.

GEORGE ZIMMERMAN WHO?

ALL RIGHT, GOOD, YOU'RE ON

THE JURY.

NOTHING?

>> WHAT THE [BLEEP] WAS THAT?

DON WEST, EVERYBODY, DON

WEST.

AND THAT-- THAT LITTLE JOKE

FROM DON WEST, MY FRIEND S

HOW KANYE LOST A TITLE FOR

WORST THING EVER SAID TO A

CROWDED ROOM BY SOMEONE WITH

A LAST NAME WEST.

KANYE, OF COURSE, TOOK THAT

TITLE FROM ADAM WEST WHO IN

1982 TOLD A PACKED COMIC

BOOK CONVENTION TO SUCK HIS

BACK [BLEEP].

THAT IS ALL TRUE, THAT'S ALL

TRUE.

LOOK, I'M A COMEDIAN.

WE'VE ALL BOMBED BEFORE,

ALBEIT NOT WITH SOMEONE'S

LIFE AT STAKE.

HE JUST GOT TO LET IT GO,

DUST YOURSELF OFF, MOVE ON.

>> ANY MORE BAD-- NO MORE

BAD JOKES, I PROMISE THAT.

I AM CONVINCED IT WAS THE

DELIVERY THOUGH.

I REALLY THOUGHT THAT WAS

FUNNY.

>> WOW.

>> THAT MAKES TWO PEOPLE IN

THAT COURTROOM WHO HAVE

STOOD THEIR GROUND AFTER

DOING SOMETHING AWFUL.

AYLINGEDLY, ALLEGEDLY,

ALLEGEDLY, AT THIS POINT.

LOOK, THE POINT IS, THIS IS

SO BAD, YOU HAVE GOT TO FEEL

SYMPATHY FOR GEORGE

ZIMMERMAN.

THERE ARE TWO THINGS YOU DO

NOT WANT TO HEAR AT YOUR

MURDER TRIAL.

WE FIND THE DEFENDANT GUILTY,

AND KNOCK, KNOCK.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER.

NOW NORMALLY THE MOST CRINGE

INDUCING THING ABOUT THESE

COURT CASES IS THE MEDIA

COVERAGE.

BUT ZIMMERMAN'S LAWYER HAS

SET THE BAR SO LOW, THE

MEDIA MAY NOT BE ABLE TO

SQUEAK UNDER IT.

SO I GUESS THE CHALLENGE IS

YOURS TO ACCEPT, MEDIA.

CAN YOU LIMBO?

HOW LOW CAN YOU GO.

YOU'RE GEORGE ZIMMERMAN, I'M

TRAYVON MARTIN.

YOU'RE CLAIMING I'M ON THE

GROUND AND I'M ON TOP OF YOU

AND I HAVE ACTUALLY,

ACCORDING TO YOU, PUNCHED

YOU 25 TO 30 TIMES.

>> ZIMMERMAN GRABS IT, TAKES

IT OUT, AND BOOM.

>> TRAYVON FALLS BACK AND

SAYS YOU GOT ME, YOU GOT ME.

>> SO HE CLAIMS HE SPREAD

TRAYVON'S ARMS OUT LIKE THAT

OPINIONS SOMEBODY'S LYING.

(LAUGHTER)

A WORD OF ADVICE, IF I MAY.

PACE YOURSELF.

THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG

TRIAL.

IT'S ONLY DAY ONE AND YOU

ARE ALREADY ILLUSTRATING

LEGAL POINTS BY DRY HUMPING

IN THE MINIKITCHEN.

ACTUALLY, MAYBE IT WOULD BE

MORE HELPFUL IF I TOLD YOU

THIS IN THE FORM OF A KNOCK,

KNOCK JOKE.

AND LET ME JUST QUICKLY SAY

TO THE STUDIO AUDIENCE, DOW

NOT NEED TO PARTICIPATE IN

THIS.

KNOCK, KNOCK.

WHO'S THERE?

ORANGE.

ORANGE WHO.

>> OR WHANG-- ORANGE YOU

SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER AT

DOING YOUR [BLEEP] THAN IN?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BA

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