Good News! You're Not Paranoid

  • Aired:  06/10/13
  •  | Views: 81,563

An NSA whistleblower claims the government reserves the right to spy on the small percentage of Americans who make phone calls or use the Internet. (2:54)

SO, IT TURNS OUT THE GOVERNMENT

IS MONITORING VASTLY MORE

INFORMATION THAN EVEN GEORGE

ORWELL WET THE BED OVER, WHICH

BRINGS US TO OUR NEW SEGMENT.

>> READ THE TIME OFF YOUR

[BLEEP] WRIST WATCH.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU WON'T KNOW WHO TO TRUST.

THE GOOD NEWS...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GOOD NEWS YOU'RE NOT PARANOID IS

BROUGHT TO YOU BY TIN FOIL.

WHY NOT WEAR IT AS A HAT?

OKAY.

SO, THE GOVERNMENT HAS BUILT A

GIANT COMPUTER THAT BASICALLY

RECORDS EVERY FACET OF OUR DAILY

LIFE.

WHAT IS THIS SINISTER PROGRAM

CALLED, RAIN FORESHADOW BLADE,

THE HUMAN SNOOP-IPEDE.

>> THE INTERNET SURVEILLANCE

PROGRAM IS CALLED PRISM.

>> PRISM?

THAT'S THE BEST YOU'VE GOT?

WITH A LOGO THAT LOOKS LIKE A

CHINESE BOOT LEG OF A PINK FLOYD

ALBUM?

OH, THANKS VERY MUCH, MOM.

THIS IS JUST WHAT I WANTED.

I HEAR IT SYNCS UP PERFECTLY TO

THE DVD OF THE WIZARD OF OZ THAT

YOU ALSO GOT ME.

SO IF IS THIS A SECRET

PROGRAM -- AND THIS MIGHT SEEM

LIKE A RELATIVELY STUPID

QUESTION BUT -- HOW ARE WE EVEN

TALKING ABOUT IT?

>> EDWARD SNOWDEN HAS JUST TAKEN

RESPONSIBILITY FOR ONE OF THE

BIGGEST GOVERNMENT LEAKS IN U.S.

HISTORY.

>> I SITTING AT MY DESK

CERTAINLY HAD THE AUTHORITY TO

WIRE TAP ANYONE FROM YOU OR YOUR

ACCOUNTANT TO A FEDERAL JUDGE TO

EVEN A PRESIDENT IF I HAD A

PERSONAL EMAIL.

>> FANTASTIC.

THAT'S BASICALLY EVERY

CONVERSATION I'VE EVER HAD WITH

AN I.T. GUY.

OKAY.

OKAY, YOU CAN HACK INTO THE

PRESIDENT'S EMAIL ACCOUNT.

IN THE MEANTIME, CAN YOU JUST

GET [BLEEP] EXCEL TO WORK?

I HAVE A PRESENTATION IN HALF AN

HOUR.

THANKS TO A RESPECTABLE WHISTLE

BLOWER WE NOW KNOW THAT THE

GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN ACTIVELY

COLLECTING AN UNPRECEDENTED

AMOUNT OF INFORMATION ON A SMALL

ELECT GROUP OF US WHO EITHER

MAKE PHONE CALLS OR USE THE

INTERNET.

I'M GOING TO SAY I'LL BET THE

AMISH ARE FEELING PRETTY [BLEEP]

SMUG RIGHT NOW.

OR THEY WOULD BE FEELING THAT

WAY IF THEY HAD ANY IDEA THAT

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