West Bank Story

  • Aired:  09/22/11
  •  | Views: 161,972

Palestine finds that, as with any good co-op, joining the U.N. requires getting past that one hard-ass on the co-op board who always shoots people down. (5:00)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILY

SHOW, MY NAME IS JON

STEWART.

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: OUR GUEST TONIGHT,

FORMER MICHIGAN

GOVERNOR-GENERALLIVE

GRANHOLM WILL, HERE, SHE

WILL SHOW US WHERE SHE LIVES.

MICHIGAN JOKE.

WE BEGIN TONIGHT OBVIOUSLY

WITH THE WORLD AFFAIRS.

BIG BUZZ AT THE U.N. TODAY

AS DIPLOMATS LOOK FORWARD TO

GETTING HOME EARLY FROM

WORK.

PICKING THEIR CHILDREN UP

FROM SCHOOL, THANKS TO THE

ANNUAL AHMADINEJAD SPEECH

RITUAL KNOWN AS THE RUNNING

OF THE BULL [BLEEP] NO,

HONEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

TIME I'M GOING TO BE COMING

HOME, OH, HE'S DENYING THE

HOLOCAUST, I'LL BE COMING

HOME RIGHT NOW.

I WILL SEE YOU IN A LITTLE

BIT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: AND THEN THE WIFE

HAS THE LITTLE--

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: THE PERFORMANCE OF

SPONGE NUT CRAZY PANT AS

SIDE--

(LAUGHTER)

>> THE U.N. HAD MORE

PRESSING ISSUES TO DISCUSS.

AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW

THERE HAS BEEN A SLIGHT

ONGOING PROPERTY LINE

DISPUTE IN THE AREA WHAT

EVERYBODY CALLS PALESTINE

CALLS ISRAEL AND WHAT

EVERYBODY BUT ISRAEL CALLS

PALESTINE.

SO FOR I GUESS AROUND THE

PAST 6,000 YEARS, THESE TWO

PARTIES HAVE ATTEMPTED TO

SETTLE THE ZONING

DISAGREEMENT THE

OLD-FASHIONED WAY,

PERSISTENT BLOODSHED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: SINCE THIS METHOD

HAS PROVEN SOMEWHAT

INCONCLUSIVE THE PARTIES

FROM TIME TO TIME SEEK AN

ALTERNATIVE, PARDON THE PUN,

UNORTH-- UNORTH DOX-- UNORTHODOX

METHOD TO ACHIEVE THEIR

GOALS.

>> THE PALESTINIANS HAVE

FLOWN A SYMBOLIC CHAIR TO

THE UNITED FACIALS AHEAD OF

NEXT WEEK'S GENERAL

ASSEMBLY.

THAT'S WHEN PALESTINIAN

AUTHORITY PRESIDENT ABBAS

PLANS TO MAKE A BID FOR U.N.

MEMBERSHIP.

>> Jon: THAET, APPARENTLY

THE UNITED NATIONS IS BRING

YOUR OWN MOTHER [BLEEP]

CHAIR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: THE U.N. PROVIDES

THE TRANSLATORS, YOU PROVIDE

THE CHAIR, AND HEAD PHONE

RENTALS ARE $3.

(LAUGHTER)

SMALL PRICE TO PLAY TO STEAL

AND KILL WITH DIPLOMATIC

IMMUNITY.

OH, REALLY.

(LAUGHTER)

OH REALLY.

(APPLAUSE)

BELIEVE ME, YOU GET ONE OF

THEM DIPLOMATIC LICENCE

PLATES [BLEEP] RED LIGHTS.

(LAUGHTER)

THE CHAIRS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN

AN IMPRESSIVE PART OF THE

U.N..

THE TURKS HAVE THEIR

OTTO-MAN EMPIRE.

SWEDEN BROUGHT THEIR

NATIONAL CHAIR, THE GLURKE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND UNASSEMBLED PILE OF WOOD

AND OF COURSE --

(APPLAUSE)

>> AUSTRALIAN RELIES ON

POUCHIE, THE WORLD'S MOST

PATIENT KANGAROO.

POUCHIE.

JOINING THE U.N. ISN'T AS

SIMPLE AS JUST BRINGING A

CHAIR.

>> WHEN I RECEIVED AN-- FROM

A STATE FOR AN ADMISSION

INTO THE UNITED NATIONS, I

REVIEW ALL THESE TECHNICAL

ISSUES, WHETHER THIS IS IN

PROPER FORM.

>> Jon: REALLY THERE IS AN

APPLICATION PROCESS FOR

JOINING THE U.N. WHO DID

NORTH KOREA USE AS A

REFERENCE ON THEIR

APPLICATION?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: AND SYRIA, A COUNTRY

WHO HAS BEGUN FIRING AT ITS

OWN PEOPLE, THEY MUST HAVE

HAD GOOD TEST SCORES

OTHERWISE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE

LET THEM IN.

ALTHOUGH I GUESS ONCE YOU

GET TENURE.

YOU KNOW, THE REAL ISSUE

ISN'T REALLY THE CHAIR OR

THE APPLICATION, AS WITH ANY

GOOD CO-OP, IT'S GETTING

PAST THAT ONE HARD ASS ON

THE CO-OP BOARD WHO ALWAYS

CHEWS PEOPLE DOWN, WITHOUT

DOESN'T LIKE DOGS BUT HE HAS

TWO GREAT DAINS BECAUSE HE

WAS GRANDFATHERED IN.

(LAUGHTER)

MADE ME SO MAD.

SO ARE THE PALESTINIANS IN?

>> PEACE WILL NOT COME

THROUGH STATEMENTS AND

RESOLUTIONS AT THE UNITED

NATIONS.

ULTIMATELY THE ISRAELIS AND

PALESTINIANS, NOT US, WHO

MUST REACH AGREEMENT ON

ISSUES THAT DIVIDE THEM.

>> Jon: SO THANK YOU FOR

YOUR INTEREST OUR BUILDING.

(LAUGHTER)

AND PLEASE COME BACK ONCE SU

HAVE A LETTER OF

RECOMMENDATION FROM YOUR

MORTAL ENEMY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> ALSO WE'RE GOING TO NEED

PAY STUBS.

(LAUGHTER)

SO THERE YOU GO, PALESTINE,

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS SETTLE

YOUR DIFFERENCES WITH ISRAEL.

(LAUGHTER)

I HAVE AN IDEA, MAYBE THIS

WILL MAKE IT MORE PALATABLE,

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT A

SPELLING CHANGE?

NICE.

GOOD.

GOOD.

WAIT--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: I STILL DON'T KNOW

IF IT'S ENOUGH.

YEAH!

WELCOME TO

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