The Kids in the Haul

  • Aired:  08/04/14
  •  | Views: 66,725

As the immigration crisis on the border becomes increasingly urgent, President Obama, the Senate, the House of Representatives and the KKK propose their respective solutions. (8:27)

>> Jon: HEY EVERYBODY.

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

BOOM! WHO AM I?

MY NAME IS JON STEWART. YOUCAN CALL ME, STARLORD.

MY GUEST TONIGHT-- WHAT, AM ITHE ONLY GUY WHO SAW

WHAT IS IT -- GUARDIANS OF THEGALAXY THIS WEEK?

[BLEEPED] HIGH BROW AUDIENCETONIGHT. SO BAD.

WAIT, WAIT, DON'T TELL ME.

DID YOU SEE THAT? IS THAT WHATYOU SAW?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING].[BLEEPED].

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS ELIZABETHMOSS.

BUT FIRST, LET ME TAKE YOU BACK.

LAST WEEK ON "THE DAILY SHOW"...

>> CRISIS ON THE BORDER.

>> BORDER BEDLAM.

>> HUMANITARIAN NIGHTMARE.

>> CHAOS AND DESPAIR.

>> THE SITUATION IS SO DIRE.

>> THE CRISIS AT HAND DEMANDSACTION.

>> UNLESS WE SIT DOWN AND REASONTOGETHER, WE'RE GOING TO END UP

WITH THE STATUS QUO.

>> Jon: SO ALL WE NEED TO SAVEOURSELVES IS FOR CONGRESS TO SIT

DOWN AND REASON.

[LAUGHTER]TOGETHER.

OH, MY GOD!

[SCREAMING MANIACALLY]CAN THEY DO IT?

[LAUGHTER]DID THEY DO IT?

BECAUSE ACTUALLY, SPOILER ALERT,YOU COULD HAVE WATCHED THE NEWS

BETWEEN FRIDAY AND MONDAY ANDYOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW, BUT

IF YOU DID NOT BECAUSE YOU WEREAT THE THEATER, HERE'S HOW IT

WENT DOWN STARTING ON JULY8th:

>> THE WHITE HOUSE TODAY ASKEDCONGRESS FOR $3.7 BILLION TO

DEAL WITH THE FLOOD OFUNACCOMPANIED CHILDREN COMING

INTO THE UNITED STATESILLEGALLY.

>> Jon: OKAY.

BUT I DON'T THINK THEY ASKED FORIT BY PUTTING IT ON A WHITE

BOARD ON A FENCE.

$3.7 BILLION DOLLARS.

THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.

CONGRESS?

>> WE'RE NOT GOING TO WRITEBLANK CHECK FOR OVER $4 BILLION.

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: REAL, REAL QUICK, YOU DO

REALIZE HOUSE CHAIRMAN OFHOMELAND SECURITY, THAT A

BLANK CHECK CAN'T BE FORA SPECIFIC NUMBER.

YOU KNOW THAT?

ONCE YOU WRITE A SPECIFICNUMBER, $4 BILLION, $2 BILLION,

WHATEVER IT IS, IT LOSES THEVITAL QUALITY OF BLANKNESS.

IT'S NOT BLANK ANYMORE.

I DON'T KNOW IF WE SHOULD REALLYELECT PEOPLE THAT DON'T KNOW HOW

CHECKS WORK.

[LAUGHTER]SIR, THERE'S NO AMOUNT HERE.

SIR, YOU'VE JUST WRITTEN,YOU'VE JUST WRITTEN...

IT'S JUST A STICK FIGURE WITHBAGS OF MONEY ON IT.

I KNOW.

I WANT TO DEPOSIT THE MONEY, BUTTHE GUY WON'T TELL ME HOW MUCH

MONEY IS IN THE BAGS.

[LAUGHTER]SO, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEND

$3.7 BILLION ON THIS, FINE,SMASH CUT JULY 31st.

>> THE SENATE'S OWN $2.7 BILLIONPLAN FAILED TO PASS A

PRELIMINARY VOTE THIS WEEK.

>> Jon: KNOCKED A BILLIONDOLLARS OFF IT AND STILL BLOCKED

IT. OF COURSE. IS THERE ANYBODYWITH AN IDEA OUT THERE

HOW TO SOLVE THIS HUMANITARIANCRISIS, ANYBODY AT ALL?

>> HOUSE REPUBLICANS ROLLING OUTTHEIR OWN PLAN TO DEAL WITH THE

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION CRISIS.

>> Jon: IS THERE ANYBODY?

ANYBODY?

ANYBODY WHO'S GOT SOME IDEASABOUT HOW THE DEAL... ANYBODY?

>> THESE ARE JUST LITTLE KIDSTHAT ARE COMING OVER, AND YOU'RE

CALLING FOR A SHOOT-TO-KILL.

>> LITTLE KIDS?

>> Jon: SO WE KNOW THAT IF INTHE ABSENCE OF CONGRESSIONAL

ACTION, THE KU KLUX KLAN ISREADY TO FILL THE VOID.

>> IN OUR TEN-MINUTE INTERVIEW,THE KLAN MEMBERS LISTED THEIR

USUAL GRIEVANCES -- BLACK, JEWSAND GAYS, AND NOW IMMIGRANTS.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, AS LONG ASWE'RE LISTING GRIEVANCES, AND

YOU MAY SEE THIS AS A MINORPOINT, A BIT NICK PICKY,

BUT FLIP-FLOPS,DUDE, REALLY? FLIP FLOPS?

I MEAN, THESE ARE, THESE AREYOUR GOOD SATIN ROBES.

THESE ARE THE BIG ROBES.

I'M ASSUMING THESE ARE THEFORMAL ROBES.

I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT ANEIGHT-YEAR-OLD AT THE BEACH.

YOU'RE A GROWN MAN WHO, ALBEITLIKES TO DRESS UP IN BED SHEETS

AND SET FIRE TO THINGS.

LOOK, I DON'T CARE IF IT'SSUMMER WHERE YOU LIVE, YOU'RE ON

TELEVISION.

PUT ON A NICE PAIR OF SLACKS ANDSOME REAL SHOES.

NO ONE IS GOING TO BELIEVEYOU'RE THE MASTER RACE IF THEY

THINK YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO TIEYOUR LACES.

[LAUGHTER]SO, ALL RIGHT.

WE'VE GOT A CHOICE BETWEEN THEKLAN PLAN AND OUR HOUSE OF

REPRESENTATIVES.

UM, ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO WITH THEHOUSE.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA ASKEDCONGRESS FOR $3.7 BILLION TO

ADDRESS THE CRISIS ON THEBORDER.

>> SPEAKER BOEHNER TRIMMED THATDOWN TO ABOUT $1.5 BILLION, BUT

THE HOUSE APPROPRIATIONSCOMMITTEE CUT THAT EVEN

FURTHER, $659 MILLION.

>> Jon: WHAT? THAT'S NOT IN THEEVEN IN THE SAME BALLPARK...

THAT'S NOT EVEN IN THE SAME...THAT'S NOT A NEGOTIATION...

IT'S LIKE THIS MAN NEEDS A HEARTTRANSPLANT.

OH, HEART TRANSPLANT?

WELL, HOW ABOUT IF I GIVE HIMFOUR POSSUM HEARTS AND A

TRANSISTOR RADIO?[LAUGHTER].

BUT I GUESS COMPARED TO THESENATE'S NOTHING BILL, THE HOUSE

AT LEAST HAS ACTUAL LEGISLATION.

ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS PASS THISBILL AND THEY ALL LOOK LIKE

HEROES.

>> TED CRUZ, THE JUNIOR SENATORFROM TEXAS, HE HAD PARTY IN TOWN

HERE IN D.C. ON WEDNESDAY,SERVING BEER AND PIZZA.

HE TOLD MEMBERS OF THECONSERVATIVE CAUCUS THAT THEY

SHOULD NOT VOTE FOR ANYLEGISLATION ON THE ISSUE OF THE

BORDER.>> YEAH.

>> Jon: UH, FIRST OF ALL, ILOVE HOW WHEN A BRITISH GUY SAYS

"BEER AND PIZZA," HE MAKES ITSOUND LIKE [BLEEPED] VOMIT.

APPARENTLY THEY HAD PARTY WHERETHEY HAD BEER AND PIZZA.

AH, OH.

AND SECOND OF ALL, WHO CARESABOUT SENATOR TED CRUZ.

HE'S IN THE SENATE.

THEY ALREADY DID THEIR NOTHING.

PIZZA OR NO PIZZA, SCREW THATGUY.

WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS?

>> G.O.P. LEADERSHIP CANCELED AVOTE YESTERDAY ON A $659 MILLION

BORDER BILL.

>> THEY COULDN'T GATHER THEVOTES NEEDED.

>> Jon: THE HOUSE REPUBLICANSWERE SO CLOSE TO THE APPEARANCE

OF DOING SOMETHING.

AND THEIR PLAN WAS SABOTAGED ANDWITH PIZZA NO LESS.

THIS MAY BE PIZZA'S DARKESTHOURS.

[LAUGHTER]SECOND ONLY THE WHEN THE NAZIS

INVADE FRANCE UNDER THISPRETENSE OF DELIVERING FIVE

MILLION OF THEM.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]OH, WE CAN'T USE DOMINO'S.

IS THAT FOR REAL?

EARLIER IT WAS DOMINO'S.

I DON'T KNOW.

NOW IT'S CHANGED TO THIS BIZARREANGELO'S PIZZA.

TALK ABOUT SOME CRAZY BREAD.

SO, SO WHAT TOPPINGS DID THECRUZ CONTINGENT OF THE HOUSE PUT

ON THEIR [BLEEPED] YOU PIZZA?

>> THE NEW VERSION WOULD ALSOGIVE $35 MILLION TO BORDER STATE

GOVERNORS TO PAY FOR NATIONALGUARD TROOPS.

IN ADDITION, IT WOULD TWEAKLANGUAGE IN THAT 2008

ANTI-TRAFFICKING LAW THAT WOULDMAKE IT EASIER TO QUICKLY DEPORT

UNACCOMPANIED MINORS.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, THE SENATEIS ALREADY OUT SO NOTHING IN

THIS BILL MATTERS ANYWAY.

WHY NOT HAVE SOME FUN WITH THIS?

MINORS MUST BE DEPORTED VIACIRCUS CANNON OR REPLACE THE

BORDER FENCE WITH A WIPEOUTCOURSE, AND IF YOU GET THROUGH,

HEY, YOU'RE IN.

[LAUGHTER]DRESS THE BORDER PATROL UP AS

MOUNTIES SO THEY THINK THEY'VECOME HERE AND GONE TOO FAR AND

TURN BACK AROUND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]I MEAN, THIS IS SO INSANE.

WE HAD AN URGENT CRISIS ON THESOUTHERN BORDER.

THE PRESIDENT OFFERS A SOLUTION.

THE SENATE CAN'T EVEN GET THEIRSTO AN UP-OR-DOWN VOTE, AND THE

HOUSE PASSES A DRACONIAN VERSIONTHAT SOMEHOW MOVES TO THE RIGHT

OF ITSELF.

AT THIS POINT CAN ANYTHING BEDONE?

>> BOEHNER RELEASED A STATEMENTAFTER HE YANKED THE BILL SAYING

THIS, "THERE ARE NUMEROUS STEPSTHE PRESIDENT CAN AND SHOULD BE

TAKING RIGHT NOW WITHOUT THENEED FOR CONGRESSIONAL ACTION."

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: DID JOHN BOEHNER JUST

SUGGEST THAT IF CONGRESS WON'TACT TO CHANGE A LAW IT

DOESN'T LIKE THEPRESIDENT SHOULD?

CAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE THERE'SA GUY RIGHT NOW SUING THE

PRESIDENT FOR THAT.

>> HOUSE SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER TOSUE U.S. PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.

>> Jon: WOW.

IF BOEHNER EVER GETS AHOLD OFTHAT OTHER BOEHNER, HIS FACE IS

GONNA BE SO REDDISH ORANGE.

[LAUGHTER]WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE][CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

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