Sequester 2013 - Prelude to the Return of the Barter System

  • Aired:  02/25/13
  •  | Views: 43,999

In the face of the budget sequester and subsequent economic apocalypse, Samantha Bee checks items off her bucket list. (5:15)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.

AS YOU MAY KNOW INSTEAD OF STEEP BUDGET CUTS KNOWN AS THE SEQUESTER RAPIDLY APPROACHING IS

THE SUBJECT OF OUR NEW RECURRING SEGMENT.

CONGRESS PASSED AND THE PRESIDENT SIGNED INTO LAW THE SEQUESTER, $1.2 TRILLION IN

AUTOMATIC SPENDING CUTS OVER TEN YEARS THAT WOULD KICK IN UNLESS WE CAME UP WITH A COOPERATIVE

DEFICIT REDUCTION PLAN.

WE PUT THIS INTO PLACE BECAUSE... WHY DID WE DO THAT AGAIN?

>> WHEN ALL SIDES AGREED TO THE SEQUESTER A YEAR-AND-A-HALF AGO, THOSE AUTOMATIC ACROSS-THE-BOARD

SENDING CUTS, WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SO PAINFUL IT WOULD FORCE THE PRESIDENT AND CONGRESS TO MAKE A DEAL.

>> Jon: SO WHAT HAPPENS IF THIS SEQUESTER KICKS IN?

>> JUST IN TIME FOR SPRING NATIONAL PARKS LIKE YOSEMITE WILL SEE THEIR SERVICES CUT.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

I WASN'T GOING THERE ANYWAY.

>> 700,000 CIVILIAN DEFENSE DEPARTMENT WORKERS TO TAKE ONE DAY OFF A WEEK, A 20% PAY CUT.

>> Jon: AS LONG AS IRAN DOESN'T ATTACK ON A THURSDAY, YOU KNOW.

I'M SURE IT WILL BE FINE

>> THE SEQUESTER COULD DEVASTATE OUR ECONOMY.

>> FEWER F.B.I. AGENTS KIDS KICKED OUT OF CHILD CARE PROGRAM

>> FEWER AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS.

NEARLY $4 MILLION COULD BE SLASHED TO PROVIDE MALES FOR NEEDY SHORTAGES.

IN TEXAS NEARLY 10,000 FEWER CHILDREN WILL RECEIVE VACCINES FOR DISEASES LIKE WHOOPING COUGH

AND THE FLU.

>> Jon: HOLY [BLEEP].

WE'RE DOOMED.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET JOBS FEEDING SICK CHILDREN TO OLD PEOPLE.

WHY DID I ONLY BUY THE HAT?

(CRYING) PLEASE TELL ME THERE'S STILL TIME TO FIX THINGS.

>> THIS IS THE FINAL COUNTDOWN.

WE ARE JUST FOUR DAYS FROM THE SEQUESTER DEADLINE.

>> Jon: FOUR DAYS.

THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TIME TO DO ANYTHING.

CAN'T EVEN TOW A CRUISESHIP OF DIARRHEA TO ALABAMA IN FOUR DAYS.

ARE THEY AT LEAST WORKING HARD ON FIXING THIS SOME

>> LAWMAKERS LEFT TOWN FOR A WEEK-LONG RECESS

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA PLAYED GOLF WITH TIGER WOODS IN FLORIDA LAST WEEKEND SNIEM I'M SURE TIGER

WOODS HAS A LOT OF SEQUESTER ADVICE.

"I DON'T KNOW, MR. PRESIDENT.

DID YOU EVER TRY HITTING IT WITH A CLUB?" I DON'T KNOW.

FOR MORE ON THE SEQUESTER WE GO TO SAMANTHA BEE IN WASHINGTON.

THE SEQUESTER IS FOUR DAYS AWAY.

WE'RE STARING INTO THE ECONOMIC ABYSS.

WHAT IS GOING ON DOWN THERE

>> Reporter: NOTHING, JON.

EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT JUST FINE.

NO NEED TO PANIC.

NOT LIKE WE'RE FOUR DAYS AWAY FROM EVERYTHING WE KNOW AS THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE BEING DESTROYED.

WHICH IS WHY I HAVE IN NO WAY SPENT THE LAST EIGHT HOURS HAVING SEX WITH LITERALLY

EVERYTHING THAT MOVES.

>> Jon: SAM, I MEAN YOU REALLY SOUND LIKE THE WORLD IS ENDING

>> Reporter: THAT'S RIGHT, JON.

IF YOU WERE SMART YOU'D BE BUCKET LISTING TOO.

>> Jon: I WANT TO BUCKET LIST.

THE PRESIDENT IS BUCKET LISTING

>> Reporter: GOLF WITH TIGER WOODS?

BEFORE THAT, THE MIAMI HEAT?

AN AFTERNOON WITH THE LADIES OF MODERN FAMILY.

YOU KNOW THE FIRST LADY'S BUCKET LISTING TOO

>> Jon: WHAT IS SHE BUCKET LISTING

>> Reporter: THE BANGS, JON.

NOBODY OVER THE AGE OF 16 GETS BANGS UNLESS THEY KNOW THE END IS NEAR.

THAT IS NOT ALL SHE'S BEEN UP TO.

DANCING LIKE BEYONCE WITH JIMMY FALLON.

GIVING AWAY THE OSCAR FOR BEST PICTURE.

PERSONALLY I WOULD HAVE GONE WITH WINNING AN OSCAR.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ON MY LIST.

>> Jon: IF THIS WERE TRUE SHOULDN'T THEY BE WARNING THE ENTIRE COUNTRY ABOUT THIS

>> Reporter: YEAH BECAUSE THIS ADMINISTRATION IS ALL ABOUT TRANSPARENCY.

THEY WANT US TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

BENGHAZI, DRONES.

THAT ROOM IN THE WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT THAT IS FULL OF BIDEN CLONES.

>> Jon: BIDEN CLONES?

FORGET IT.

WHAT ABOUT THE REPUBLICANS?

THEY HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.

WHY AREN'T THEY GOING BUCKET LIST CRAZY

>> Reporter: YOU MEAN WILLFULLY BLOCKING ALL THE PRESIDENT'S IDEAS.

COME ON, JON.

HE EVEN WENT ON A STATE OF THE UNION DREAM DATE WITH TED NUGENT.

THAT IS THEIR BUCKET LIST.

THEY JUST HAVEN'T UPDATED IT IN HALF A CENTURY.

GETTING THEIR BASEBALL GLOVES SIGNED BY HERMAN KILLBREW IS STILL ON THERE

>> Jon: THAT WON'T HAPPEN.

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY WHAT'S NEXT ON YOUR BUCKET LIST

>> Reporter: NOT TALKING TO YOU, THAT'S FOR SURE.

IF YOU EXCUSE ME I AM OFF TO SHOOT A PANDA WITH A CROSS BOW.

>> Jon: YOUR DYING DREAM IS TO KILL A PANDA

>> Reporter: NO, JON.

IT'S TO EAT ONE.

YOU HAVE TO KILL IT FIRST.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU, SAM.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER

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