The Golden Rage

  • Aired:  04/24/13
  •  | Views: 103,181

The price of gold plummets, and deranged millionaire John Hodgman champions the timeless allure of a drab gray, crash-proof carcinogen. (5:54)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

WE JUST WENT THROUGH AN INSIGNE

WEEK.

EVERYTHING SEEMS VERY

UNPREDICTABLE, EVEN TERRIFYING.

IT'S GOOD TO KNOW THERE'S ONE

THING WE CAN COUNT ON.

>> THERE'S A STORM COMING.

>> ONE WE ARE ALL GOING TO FEEL.

IT'S CALLED INFLATION.

>> GOLD GIVES ME FREEDOM FROM

ALL THE FINANCIAL MAD INNOCENCE

THE WORLD.

>> GOLD IS THE TIME-TESTED

CURRENCE THEY GOES UP, NOT DOWN.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, THAT

CONVICTED FELON MAKES A LOT OF

SENSE.

( LAUGHTER ).

ALTHOUGH, FIRECALL, HE DIDN'T

KNOW HE OR NIXON WOULD EVER GO

DOWN, EITHER.

GOLD!

IT'S THE ULTIMATE SEAR HEDGE.

WHEN THE DOLLAR FAILS AND THE

WORLD PLUNGES INTO A DISPOPIAN

NIGHTMARE, VICIOUS TRIBES

WARRING FOR DWINDLING

NECESSITIES, YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE

GOLD.

( LAUGHTER )

EXCUSE ME, GOOD SIR.

YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO

APPRECIATES THE FINER THINGS.

MIGHT I INTEREST YOU IN SOME

KRUGERRANDS IN EXCHANGE FOR SOME

OF YOUR PROCESSED COMBUSTION

ENGINE FUEL?

NO, THEN HOW ABOUT I BECOME YOUR

WIFE.

( LAUGHTER ).

FORTUNATELY, THAT'S NEVER GOING

TO HAPPEN BECAUSE GOLD GOES UP

NOT DOWN.

>> WE KNOW GOLD IS 25% FROM ITS

PEAK IN THE MIDDLE OF 2011, AND

IT GOT CRUSHED IN RECENT DAYS.

>> ALL OF A SUDDEN THAT TRAP

DOOR OPENED UP AND GOLD FELL.

>> THE BIGGEST ONE-DAY DROP IN

PRICES IN 33 YEARS ON MONDAY

WITH PRICES FALLING $140.

>> I'M CALLING IT A CRASH IN THE

LAST TWO DAYS.

>> A CRASH AND A HALF.

>> Jon: WHOA!

A CRASH AND A HALF!

THAT IS GAD BAD NEWS FOR GOLD

INVESTORS AND A TERRIBLE MOVIE

SEQUEL.

( LAUGHTER ).

LIKE EVERY OTHER COMMODITY IN

THE HISTORY OF MARKETS.

UNLESS...

>> THE ONLY THING I HAVE TO FEAR

IS THE GOVERNMENT, QUITE

FRANKLY.

THE GOVERNMENT LYING TO YOU.

THE MEDIA NOT TELLING YOU TRUTH.

I MEAN, GOLD IS THE ORIGINAL

GOLD STANDARD, AND SOMETHING

DOESN'T SMELL RIGHT.

>> Jon: I'VE MISSED YOU SO

MUCH.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

SO THE CHOICE IS CLEAR-- EITHER

AN IRRATIONALLY OVERPRICED

COMMODITY AT A TOTALLY NORMAL

PREDICTABLE PRICE COLLECTION OR

EVERYONE IS LYING TO TRICK US

INTO SELLING OUR PRECIOUS GOLD.

IF YOU CAN'T TRUST THE CNBC

TICKER, WHO SHOULD WE LISTEN TO?

>> DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE BUT

YOURSELF.

DO YOUR OWN HOMEWORK.

USE YOUR COMMON SENSE, AND THEN

LISTEN TO THE ULTIMATE ADVISER,

GOD.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT?

( LAUGHTER )

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, LET ME

SEE HERE.

WHAT DOES GOD SAY ABOUT

IDOLIZING GOLD FAZ IT HAS SUPER

NATURAL POWERS.

"IF I HAVE PUT MY TRUST IN GOLD

OR SAID TO PURE GOLD YOU ARE MY

SECURITY I WOULD HAVE UNFAITHFUL

TO GOD ON HIGH.

THAT'S AMBIGUOUS.

EXODUS, CHAPTER 32.

"WHAT A GREAT SIN SHE'S PEOPLE

HAVE COMMITTED.

THEY'VE MADE THEMSELVES GOD OF

GOLD.

IN OTHER WORDS... I BELIEVE

THAT'S A SELL.

( APPLAUSE )

YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE POINT OF

TURNING TO GOD FOR GOLD--

>> FOR ONCE, JON, I THINK WE

HAVE SOMETHING WE CAN AGREE ON.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD IT'S

MILLIONAIRE JOHN HODGMAN!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

ARE YOU STILL A MILLIONAIRE,

RIGHT?

YOU ARE STILL A MILLIONAIRE,

RIGHT, OR DID YOU LOSE IT ALL IN

GOLD?

>> JON, I'M NO RUBE.

WHAT WOULD I WANT WENT WITH

SMELLY NUGGETS THAT ANY

PROSPECTOR CAN TAKE OUT OF A

CREEK.

>>CREEK.

IT'S COMPLETE RIDICULOUS, JON.

GOLD, IT'S NO BERYLLIUM.

>> Jon: WHAT?

BERYLLIUM?

>> YES, THAT'S A DIFFERENT

RANDOM SUBSTANCE, BUT THIS ONE

IS IMMUNE TO MARKET FORCES.

HERE, LET ME SHOW OW MY PERIODIC

TAIB OF INVEST ELEMENTS.

NOW, HERE IS GOLD.

THAT IS GARBAGE.

PLATINUM AND SILVER GOING THE

SAME WAY.

>> Jon: SURE, SURE, SURE,

SURE.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT TO INVEST

IN, JON?

>> Jon: HELIUM IS ALWAYS

FUN AT PARTIES, I GUESS.

>> HELIUM, YOU CAN'T MAKE A

COMMEMORATIVE COIN OUT OF

HELIUM.

FIRST RULE OF INVEST ELEMENTS,

JON-- NOBLE GASES, ( BLEEP )

RETURNS.

GOOD-BYE.

>> Jon: BUT, BUT,

BERYLLIUM.

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BERYLLIUM.

>> AH, BERYLLIUM.

ALL UNDERSTAND INSTINCTIVELY THE

TIMELESS ALLURE OF BERYLLIUM.

THAT'S WHERE ALL DERANGED

MILLIONAIRES PUT OUR EXPHN NOW

THANKS TO ME, SO CAN YOU.

OH, HEY, I'M JOHN HODGMAN FOR

BERYLLIUM.

YOU KNOW, DON'T LET PEOPLE SCARE

YOU INTO BUYING GOLD.

LET ME SCARE YOU INTO BUYING

BERYLLIUM.

PRIZED BY HUMAN CIVILIZATIONS

SINCE 1957 FOR ITS DRAB GRAY

COLOR, BERYLLIUM IS AS VERSATILE

AS IT IS SOLID.

LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIFUL DIMES.

NOW THAT I'VE COATED THEM IN

RARE BERYLLIUM DUST I'M SELLING

THEM FOR $300,000.

BERYLLIUM IS NOT JUST FOR

COATING COINS.

IT CAN ALSO BE FASHIONED INTO

SOME BEAUTIFUL JEWELRY.

BERYLLIUM, INVEST IN THE FUTURE.

CAUTION, DO NOT FASHION INTO

BEAUTIFUL JEWELRY.

BRIMMUAL IS HIGHLY CORROSIVE TO

HUMAN SKIN.

IT IS A CARCINOGEN.

>> Jon: IT'S BURNING MY

HANDS!

WOW, THAT'SAB INTRIGUING

PRODUCT.

I CAN'T HELP NOTICING, YOU'RE

LOSING SOME HAIR NOW.

>> WELL, THE RISKS ARE-- OH!

UH, UH, ANOTHER ON MOELLER.

SO, HOW MUCH BERYLLIUM CAN I PUT

YOU DOWN FOR, JON?

>> Jon: I'LL GET BACK TO

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