Bieber by the Dozen

  • Aired:  01/15/14
  •  | Views: 43,536

Small and incredibly smooth-chested boy man Justin Bieber allegedly terrorizes his neighbors with groceries. (3:54)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHTTHAT WE BAKED FROM SCRATCH.

FORMER SECRETARY OF DEFENSEROBERT GATES IS JOINING US.

HE HAS A NEW BOOK OUT CALLED"DUTY."

[LAUGHTER]IT'S ACTUALLY THE TITLE "DUTY."

[LAUGHTER]ACTUALLY A MISNOMER IT'S QUITE

GOOD.

NOW TONIGHT IS A LITTLE UNUSUALHERE AT THE PROGRAM BECAUSE WE

HAVE TWO TOP STORIES OFEQUIVALENT WEIGHT.

NUMBER ONE.

>> THE U.S. AND OTHER WORLDPOWERS HAVE AGREED ON A DATE TO

BEGIN IMPLEMENTING AN INTERIMDEAL TO CURB IRAN'S NUCLEAR

PROGRAM.

THAT SET TO START ON JANUARY 20.

>> Jon: A NUCLEAR DEAL WITHIRAN.

PEACE IN OUR TIME!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]THINK ABOUT IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]ON THE DOWNSIDE THINK ABOUT WHAT

IT'S GOING TO DO TO SEASON FOUROF "HOMELAND" BUT STILL THAT

SHOW COULD END UP COMPLETELYUNTETHERED FROM REALITY.

[LAUGHTER]THAT IS STORY ONE.

OUR SECOND TOP STORY.

>> LOS ANGELES COUNTY SHERIFF'S>DEPUTIES ARE OUT IN FULL FORCE

TODAY ATTHE HOME OF POP SUPERSTAR JUSTIN

BIEBER SEARCHING FOR EVIDENCEINVOLVING THE EGGING OF HIS

NEIGHBOR'S HOME.

[ LAUGHTER ][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: THE ONLY THING TO SAYTHERE IS DUN-DUN-DUN.

THE STORIES HAVE NOTHING INCOMMON, DON'T THEY?

TWO WARRING NATIONS, TWO WARRINGNATIONS TURNING SWORDS INTO

PLOUGHSHARES WHILEORDS INTOSIMULTANEOUSLY A SMALL

INCREDIBLY SMOOTH CHESTED BOYMAN TERRORIZES HIS NEIGHBORS

WITH GROCERIES.

COINCIDENCE?

NO I READ THE BIBLE.

GOD THAT CHEST IS SMOOTH.

YOU JUST WANT TO WRAP HIM AROUNDYOURSELF LIKE A KIMONO.

[ LAUGHTER ]LET ME LISTEN TO YOU BREATHE.

[ LAUGHTER ]ANYWAY, THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]IT'S FROM MY ONE MAN SHOW "WOW

THAT GUY IS (bleep) CREEPY." THE TWO STORIES ARE MORE

CLOSELY RELATED THAN YOU MIGHTIMAGINE.

LET'S START WITH THE MOREIMPORTANT STORY.

BIEBER.

WHY ARE THE POLICE INVESTIGATINGAN EGGING.

>> THE NEIGHBOR CLAIMS THEINCIDENT CAUSED UP TO $20,000 IN

DAMAGE.

>> Jon: $20,000 IN DAMAGE FOREGGING A HOUSE WERE THEY FABERGE

EGGS?

WHAT DID YOU THROW?

DID YOU HARD BOIL THEM WHAT THEHELL?

$20,000 WORTH OF DAMAGE.

LOOKS LIKE THE BIEBS IS FINALLYGOING DOWN.

HAPPY HATERS WITH AN 8 INSTEADOF AN ATE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE

TIME FOR THREE LETTERS WHEN ICOULD GET THE SAME EFFECT BY

PUTTING IN A NUMBER.

P>> A RAPPER KNOWN AS LITTLE ZAWHO WAS AT

BIEBER'S HOME WAS TAKEN INTOCUSTODY ON A DRUG CHARGE.

>> Jon: AIN'T THAT THE AMERICANSYSTEM OF JUSTICE.

WHITE GUY BREAKS SOME [BLEEP],COPS

COME AND TAKE THE BLACK GUYAWAY.

♪ AMERICA ALL RIGHT.

LITTLE ZA I'M SURE MR. AND MRS.ZA ARE VERY DISAPPOINTED.

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