Barack Atah Adonai

  • Aired:  03/25/13
  •  | Views: 81,314

President Obama becomes the latest in a long line of American presidents calling for a resolution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. (5:00)

Captioning sponsored by COMEDY CENTRAL

>> Jon: HEY, WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

I'M TELLING YOU, BABY, WE'RE BACK.

TONIGHT IS OUR LAST SHOW BEFORE WE TAKE A TWO-WEEK BREAK.

(LAUGHING) VERY EXCITED PETER DINKLAGE FROM GAME OF THRONES, HBO SHOW.

A LOT OF NUDITY AND A LOT OF BEHEADING.

LET'S BEGIN TONIGHT WITH A HAPPY PASSOVER.

I KNOW YOU'RE SETTLING IN FOR THE PASSOVER BACON, EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH.

(LAUGHING) IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I RAN A PROPER SEDER.

I'LL TELL YOU WHO KNOW WHAT TO DO.

BARACK OBAMA.

LAST WEEK PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, HE MADE HIS FIRST TRIP TO ISRAEL AS OUR PRESIDENT.

OBVIOUSLY IT'S NOT HIS FIRST TRIP TO ISRAEL.

HE ALSO, WE KNOW FROM THE HISTORY CHANNEL, WAS THERE ABOUT 2013 YEARS AGO AS... I DON'T KNOW.

SATAN?

OF COURSE THE PRESIDENT WAS IN ISRAEL TO SHOW THAT HE WAS A FRIEND TO ISRAEL.

CHECKING OUT THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS AND NAVIGATING THE AVANT-GARDE RED CARPETS OF THE

WEST BANK BUT OF COURSE DANGER LURKED EVERYWHERE.

OH, MY GOD, MR. PRESIDENT!

THE ROBOTS.

OH, MY GOD!

OH, THEY'RE JEWISH ROBOTS.

THEY'RE BRINGING HIM SOME FOOD.

I'M GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHT THERE, MR. PRESIDENT.

GOOD MATZA?

THAT'S WHAT'S KNOWN IN THE BUSINESS AS A GOY TELL BECAUSE UNLESS IT WAS SLATHERED IN

FLUFFER NUTTER OR JAMMED INSIDE A CHIP-WICH, IT TASTES LIKE THE BOX IT CAME IN.

MATZA SUCKS SO BAD THEY HAD TO HAVE A ROBOT BRING IT TO HIM.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE A GUEST IN ISRAEL, YOU WANT TO BE POLITE BUT YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SAY MATZA

SUCKS, TRUST ME.

THAT'S WHAT NETANYAHU WAS THINKING.

YOU GIVE MATZA TO A JEW, HERE'S WHAT THEY THINK.

HOW MANY NIGHTS DO WE HAVE TO EAT THIS [BLEEP]?

ANYWAY, GOT TO TAKE MORE THAN JUST PRETENDING TO LIKE MATZA TO WIN OVER THIS SKEPTICAL CROWD

>> SO LONG AS THERE IS A UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (SPEAKING HEBREW), YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

SNIEM IS THAT WHAT THAT MEANS?

TOUCHE OR AS THEY SAY IN ISRAEL, TOUCHAY.

A STUNNING DECLARATION OF AMERICAN SUPPORT FOR ISRAEL'S RIGHT TO EXIST.

AND IN THE SAME SPEECH...

>> THE PALESTINIAN PEOPLE'S RIGHT TO SELF-DETERMINATION, THEIR RIGHT TO JUSTICE MUST ALSO

BE RECOGNIZED.

( APPLAUSE ) JUST AS ISRAELIS BUILT A STATE IN THEIR HOMELAND, PALESTINIANS HAVE A RIGHT TO BE A FREE PEOPLE

IN THEIR OWN LAND.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: AN AMERICAN PRESIDENT SKETCHING OUT A PATH TO A ISRAELI STATE, TO A PALESTINIAN STATE.

WHY DIDN'T NO ONE THINK OF THIS SOONER?

>> WE SUPPORT A PALESTINIAN STATE, ONE THAT IS NEGOTIATED BY THE PARTIES.

ONE THAT RECOGNIZES THAT ISRAEL HAS GOT A RIGHT TO EXIST.

>> Jon: SOONER.

PALESTINIANS MUST RECOGNIZE THE RIGHT OF ISRAEL.

ISRAEL MUST RECOGNIZE THE RIGHT OF PALESTINIANS.

>> Jon: SOONER!

IN OUR VIEW, SOMETHING MUST BE DEVELOPED THAT GIVES THE PALESTINIANS PEOPLE MEANINGFUL

CONTROL OVER THEIR OWN LIVES AND FATE AND PROVIDES FOR THE ACCEPTANCE AND SECURITY OF ISRAEL.

>> Jon: WE ARE [BLEEP]

POWERLESS.

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS IS...

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: ... THIS IS REPETITIVE.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS IS REPETITIVE FOR AMERICAN PRESIDENTS BUT WATCH THIS.

HOLD ON.

THAT RIGHT THERE.

(MUMBLING) HOLD ON.

>> IT SEEMS TO ME IF JEWS EVER GET A STATE IN THE LaADVANTAGE, ANY ARABS WHO

LIVE THERE SHOULD GET ONE TOO.

THAT'S EQUITABLE AND FAIR BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?

I'M ONLY THE FATHER OF YOUR COUNTRY.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT INSIDE A STRIPPER'S G-STRING.

( CHEERS A

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