Weak Constitution

  • Aired:  04/24/13
  •  | Views: 911,622

Following the Boston bombing, the freedom lovers at Fox jettison Constitutional amendments like Han Solo dumping his cargo at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser. (6:59)

>> Jon: HI, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME TO THE "DAILY SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE GOT A GOOD ONE FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

I SAID IT BEFORE BUT I'LL SAY IT

TONIGHT AND MEAN IT-- OUR GUEST

TONIGHT IS THE GREAT BASSEM

YOUSSEF, FRESH OFF HIS COMMAND

PERFORMANCE AT BOTH THE "TIME

100" DINNER CAN ASK JAIL.

IT'S GOING TO BE GOOD.

WE BEGIN WAY CELEBRATION OF WHAT

MAKES AMERICA THE HOME OF THE

BRAVE AND THE LAND OF THE

AWESOME AND WHY OUR ENEMIES

DON'T GET IT.

♪ ♪ ♪

>> THE CONSTITUTION FOUNDED OUR

GREAT COUNTRY.

THE AMERICAN CONSTITUTION, THE

BLUEPRINTS FOR OUR WAY OF LIFE.

>> I REALLY WORRY IF WE HAVE

LOST AN UNDERSTANDING OF OUR

CONSTITUTION, OUR FOUNDING

PRINCIPLES,AND UNDERSTANDING OF

WHAT MAKES US STRONG.

>> THEY HATE OUR FREEDOM.

THEY HATE OUR WAY OF LIFE.

THEY HATE WHO WE ARE.

THEY HATE OUR LIBERTY.

>> Jon: IT IS LIKE WE ARE

THE ANNE HATHAWAYS OF COUNTRIES?

( LAUGHTER )

YOU HATE US, BUT ONLY BECAUSE

YOU CAN'T GET WITH THIS.

( LAUGHTER )

IT WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA?

IS THAT THAT WE'RE TOO NICE,

THAT WE SING TOO WELL OH, IS

THAT WE'RE TOO HOT?

( LAUGHTER )

♪ I DREAMED A DREAM-- ♪ ♪

ALL RIGHT

( LAUGHTER )

AND THAT'S WHY HOW WE HANDLE

BOSTON MARATHON BOMBING SUSPECT

DZHOKAR TSARNAEV IS SO

IMPORTANT.

THE STRENGTH OF OUR SYSTEM LIES

IN HOW DURABLE IT IS, EVEN FOR

OUR MOST HEINOUS CITIZENS.

>> I'M A LITTLE CONCERN.

HE HAS HIS MOORND RIGHTS, THE

RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.

>> DON'T UNDERSTAND THE POINT.

>> YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN

SILENT.

FANTASTIC.

SO THE BOMBS THAT COULD BE

EXPLODING AND THE PLOTS THAT

COULD BE UNFOLDING, WE CAN'T ASK

HIM.

>> Jon: FIRST OF ALL, NOT

READING SOMEONE THEIR MIRANDA

RIGHTS DOESN'T MEAN THEY DON'T

HAVE THEIR MIRANDA RIGHTS?

( LAUGHTER )

YOU HAVE MIRANDA RIGHTS UNDER

THE CONSTITUTION.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY THEM OUT

LOUD FOR THEM TO BECOME REAL.

( LAUGHTER ).

YOU'RE THINKING BEEBLGHTJUICE.

THE ONLY REASON YOU HAVE TO READ

THEM IS SO WHATEVER THE SUSPECT

HAS DONE OR DID, WHATEVER THEY

DO SAY IS ADMISSIBLE AT THEIR

TRIAL.

IT'S ANOTHER HALLMARK OF OUR

CONSTITUTIONALLY GUARANTEED

RIGHT TO DUE PROCESS.

>> I THINK IT'S A MISTAKE NOT TO

TREAT HIM AS AN ENEMY COMBATANT.

>> WE OUGHT TO TREAT HIM AS AN

ENEMY COMBATANT AND MOVE HIM TO

A MILITARY TRIDIEWNL.

>> Jon: IT'S LIKE "GUNS &

ADDRESSES," TED KASZINSKY, AND

RAMSEY YOUSSEF, WENT CITY TO

CITY SINGING MED LEES OF

ORIGINAL HITS AND-- WHAT'S THAT?

REALLY, DEAD OR IN PRISON, HUH?

WHO AM I THINKING OF?

OH, THE MUPPETS.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

I GET IT.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

WELL, TO BE FAIR, THEY BOTH

TRIED TO TAKE MANHATTAN.

( LAUGHTER ).

SO IN THE WAKE OF AN ASSAULT ON

OUR FREEDOM AND WAY OF LIFE, WE

HAVE QUICKLY JETTISONED THE

SIXTH AMENDMENT RIGHT TO A FAIR

TRIAL AND SPEEDY TRIAL AND FIFTH

AMENDMENT'S RIGHT AGAINST

SELF-INCRIMINATION.

WHAT'S NEXT.

>> THIS GUY OUGHT TO BE

INTERROGATED IN A VERY INTENSE

WAY.

>> I'D WATERBOARD HIM.

>> I DON'T BELIEVE ENHANCED

INTERROGATION IS TORTURE.

>> I DOWNTOWN BELIEVE ENHANCED

INTERROGATION IS TORTURE BECAUSE

TORTURE LIKE TINKER BELLS IS

BASED ON WHO WE BELIEVE.

ANY FREEDOM LOVERS WANT TO TAKE

A CRACK AT SOME OF THE LOWER

ONES, YOUR THIRD, YOUR FOURTH.

>> SHOULD THE F.B.I. BE ALLOWED

TO GO TO MOSQUES AND WIRETAP AND

SURVEILL.

>> I THINK THIS IS A GREAT CASE

FOR OPENING UP THAT LINE OF--

>> I THINK WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO

PUT IN LISTENING DEVICES IN

THERE.

>> Jon: SURE, ILLEGAL

SEARCH AND SEIZURE?

DONE!

THE FREEDOM LOVERS AT FAX ARE

JETTISONING AMENDMENTS LIKE HAN

SOLO DUMPING CARGO TO MAKE THE

IMPERIAL CRUISER.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

ANYBODY CAN TOSS AWAY THE LESSER

KNOWN AMENDMENTS.

ONLY A TRUE PATRIOT CAN SAY THE

COURSE STRAIGHT FOR THE FIRST.

>> I THINK WE REALLY HAVE TO

CONSIDER GIVEN WANT FACT SO MANY

PEOPLE HATE US THAT WE'RE GOING

TO HAVE TO CUT OFF MUSLIM

STUDENTS TO COMING TO THIS

COUNTRY FOR SOME PERIOD OF TIME.

>> Jon: YES!

A RELIGIOUS LITMUS TEST FOR

SCHOOL ENROLLMENT, SAYS FOX'S

MOST PROMINENT LIBERAL VOICE.

( LAUGHTER ).

HOLY ( BLEEP )!

WHAT'S LEFT?

A PROHIBITION ON THE UNMENTIONED

PERSONAL RIGHTS IN THE

CONSTITUTION THAT ARE DESIGNATE

TO THE PEOPLE?

>> I WANT TON ABOUT THIS-- THIS

WIFE AS WELL.

>> DON'T CARE IF SHE QUE ABOUT

THIS.

SHE OUGHT TO BE IN PRISON FOR

WEARING A HIJAB.

>> Jon: DOWN GOES THE NINTH

AMENDMENT!

DOWN GOES THE NINTH AMENDMENT!

ANN COULTER DOESN'T JUST WANT A

POLICE STATE.

SHE WANTS A FASHION POLICE

STATE.

NOW, OF COURSE --

( APPLAUSE )

TO THEIR CREDIT, ANY OF THE FOX

CONTRIBUTORS OR ANCHORS WHO HAVE

STUDIED LAW HAVE A SOME

DIFFERENT TAKE ON THIS SUBJECT.

>> TO TRY HIM AS AN ENEMY

COMBATANT, THE GOVERNMENT

CAN'T-- CAN'T JUST WILL

WILLY-NILLY DO THAT.

>> NOW YOU'RE GETTING INTO A

DANGEROUS PLACE.

>> IS THAT POSSIBLE?

>> NO.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: BUT, OF COURSE,

THESE TYPES OF LEGAL ARGUMENTS

ARE NO MATCH FOR FREEDOM MATH.

>> HOW MANY MUSLIMS UNTIL THE

WORLD.

>> 1.57 WELL.

LET'S SAY 10% DISLIKE OR HATE

US.

THAT MEANS 157 MILLION MUSLIMS

HATE US.

IF 10%, 5%, 1% ARE RADICALIZEDIZED

AND WOULD KILL US.

>> THAT'S--

>> THAT'S 1.5 MILLION PEOPLE WHO

ARE RADICALIZED TO THE POINT

WHERE THEY WOULD WANT TO KILL

YOU-- KILL US AMERICANS.

>> Jon: WOW, THAT'S--

( LAUGHTER )

THAT'S INTERESTING.

CAN I SEE A FOOTNOTE CITATION

FOR THOSE FIGURES?

OH, THAT'S WHERE HE GOT THEM.

I WASN'T SURE.

( LAUGHTER )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.

SINCE WE'RE JUST THROWING

MAEMENTZ AWAY WILLY-NILLY WHAT,

IF WE WANTED TO, I DON'T KNOW,

TRACK THE WEAPONS ANY OF THESE

AMERICA HATERS BOUGHT OR DO A

BACKGROUND CHECK IF ANY TRY TO

PURCHASE WEAPON HERE'S IN

AMERICA.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS IS PROTECT

MED IN THE CONSTITUTION.

>> THERE'S NO AMBIGUITY HERE.

THE RIGHT OF THE PEOPLE TO KEEP

AND BEAR ARMS SHALL NOT BE

INFRINGED.

>> Jon: NO AMBIGUITY THERE.

IN THE LAST FEW DECADES THERE

HAVE BEEN 3400 DEATH FRGZ

TERRORISM, ISLAMIC AND OTHERWISE

AND WE HAVE HAD, I DON'T, A

MILLION DEATH FROM GUN VIOLENCE.

IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO

ABOUT THAT.

>> JOE BIDEN SAID THE PRESIDENT

MAY CRACK DOWN ON GUNS BY

EXECUTIVE ORDER.

>> TAKING OUR RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS

AWAY.

>> IT TURNS OUT THERE'S ONLY ONE

AMENDMENT IN OUR CONSTITUTION'S

PANTON THAT IS EXEMPT FROM

STATISTICAL ANALYSIS OR

EMOTIONAL SEEK-OUT-ITUDE.

AND IT IS THE SECOND.

GOD HELP US IF THE MUSLIMS EVER

DECIDE TO FORM A WELL-REGULATED

MILITIA.

( LAUGHTER )

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