Aliens vs. Senators - Immigration Legislation

  • Aired:  06/18/13
  •  | Views: 29,311

The Senate's immigration bill yearns to achieve its dream of legal status within the United States. (4:52)

ABOUT?

(LAUGHTER)

CAN YOU GET DEPORTED FOR TELLING

A JOKE LIKE THAT?

SO DEMOCRATS ARE ON BOARD BUT

REPUBLICANS MAY TAKE A LITTLE

MORE CONVINCING, SURE.

DR. GRAHAM MAY HAVE A

PRESCRIPTION FOR ELECTORAL

SUCCESS BUT EVEN THOUGH THEY

KNOW THIS IS GOOD FOR THEM

THEY'RE GOING RESIST IT-- LIKE A

CHILD WITH VEGETABLES.

(LAUGHTER)

OR A FRAT BOY WITH A CONDOM.

EVEN THE PRO IMMIGRATION

REPUBLICANS' TONE CAN BE A

LITTLE CLUMSY.

>> IMMIGRANTS ARE MORE FERTILE

AND THEY LOVE FAMILIES AND THEY

HAVE MORE INTACT FAMILIES AND

THEY BRING A YOUNGER POPULATION.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Jon: LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE

TRYING TO HELP BUT I DON'T THINK

YOUR STRONGEST ARGUMENT IS THAT

BABY MACHINES WHO LOVE TO

(BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND HE'S SUPPORTIVE OF THEM.

EVEN LATINO REPUBLICANS

RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WRITING OF

THIS BILL ARE NOW TRYING TO

WATER IT DOWN.

>> I FILED AN AMENDMENT TO

IMPROVE IT EVEN FURTHER.

I'M SAYING WHEN YOU APPLY FOR

THAT GREEN CARD AFTER THE

TEN-YEAR PERIOD AND MORE HAS

EXPIRED YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO

PROVE THAT YOU'RE PROFICIENT IN

ENGLISH.

>> John: OKAY, SO I THINK IT'S

ABOUT TO BECOME OFFICIAL.

THE RULES TO BECOME AN AMERICAN

CITIZEN ARE MORE STRINGENT THAN

THE RULES TO BECOME MISS UTAH.

>> FRANKLY MEAN ARE -- SEEN AS

-- THE LEADERS OF THIS SO WE

NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO --

CREATE EDUCATION BETTER SO THAT

WE CAN -- SOLVE THIS PROBLEM.

THANK YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: NO, NO.

THANK YOU.

WE THANK YOU, MISS UTAH, FOR

GIVING AMERICA A NEW RING TONE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND FOR OTHER REPUBLICANS,

PROFICIENCY IN ENGLISH STILL

ISN'T EVEN FAR ENOUGH.

>> THE BILL DOES VERY LITTLE TO

ENSURE THAT THOSE WHO COME OUT

OF THE SHADOWS WHETHER CHERISH

OR USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

>> John: IT'S NOT YOU HAVE NO

"COME OUT OF THE SHADOWS" AND

SPEAK IT, YOU HAVE TO CHERISH

IT.

(LAUGHTER)

CHERISH IT LIKE A MAN WHO TWEETS

OUT SINGLE LETTERS OF THE

ALPHABET TO SO YOU CAN CHERISH

EACH ONE INDIVIDUALLY BECAUSE

EVERY CHARACTER IS PRECIOUS.

AND I UNDERSTAND THAT SOMEONE

ELSE HAS AN AMENDMENT TO

PROPOSE.

>> THAT AMENDMENT BY REPUBLICAN

JOHN CORNYN WOULD FORCE THE

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

TO REACH SPECIFIC METRICS SUCH

AS APPREHENSION OF AT LEAST 90%

OF ALL ILLEGAL BORDER CROSSERS

FOR THE OVERALL LAW TO STAND.

>> John: 90% BORDER SECURITY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

BRING NINE FRIENDS WITH YOU AND

YOU GET IN FREE!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YES, THAT'S THE AUTHOR YOU WILL

BE UP ONE NEW COUNTRY AND DOWN

NINE OLD FRIENDS.

AND IT ISN'T JUST THE CONTENT OF

THE BILL THAT REPUBLICANS HATE.

>> THIS IS NOT AN EASY BILL TO

READ.

>> SUBPARAGRAPH CAPITAL "C"

INDEX -- THE INDEX CALCULATED

UNDER THIS SUBPARAGRAPH FOR A

CURRENT YEAR EQUALS THE SUM OF

SUBPARAGRAPH ROMAN NUMERAL I.

>> I'M SURE YOU KNOW EXACTLY

WHAT THAT MEANS.

>> Jon: WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

IT MEANS, BUT TO BE FAIR I'M NOT

A SENATOR.

YOU ARE.

AND LEGAL JARGON IS KIND OF THE

OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF THE SENATE.

SO IF I MAY FOLLOW A PAGE FROM

YOUR PARTY'S PLAY BOOK, LEARN TO

SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OR GO BACK TO

WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TO TO SUM UP, STILL A LOT OF

CHALLENGES AHEAD FOR THIS

IMMIGRATION BILL TO ACHIEVE ITS

DREAM OF LEGAL STATUS WITHIN THE

UNITED STATES.

NOW CURRENTLY IT'S LIVING IN THE

LAND OF BILLS, BUT IT'S YEARNING

FOR A BETTER LIFE AS A LAW IT

PAYS ITS HARD EARNED POLITICAL

CAPITAL TO A GANG OF NOT

ENTIRELY RELIABLE TOYOTAS TO

CROSS THE LEGISLATIVE DESERT

ONLY TO GAV GAIT THE PERILOUS

WATERS OF DEBATE HOPING IT CAN

EVADE THE DREADED FILIBUSTER

PATROL.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT AFTER ALL THAT IT'S SAFE AND

THERE WILL BE NOTHING STOPPING

IMMIGRATION REFORM FROM STARTING

ITS BRAND NEW LIFE IN AMERICA.

>> I'VE GOT REAL CONCERNS ABOUT

THE SENATE BILL.

>> John: OH, YEAH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.

A THOUSAND FOOT HIGH BORDER

FENCE BUILT OUT OF IGNORANCE AND

SPITE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SORRY.

SORRY IMMIGRATION REFORM.

YOUR CHANCES OF GETTING MADE

INTO LAW SEEM TO BE NO BUENO.

WE'LL BE

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