Florida's Presidential Primary

  • Aired:  10/05/11
  •  | Views: 59,724

After all the trouble Florida has caused in previous elections, it has the balls to demand an earlier primary. (4:47)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THE

SHOW, AS YOU KNOW, AS YOU KNOW

BECAUSE YOU LIVE AND BREATH, MY

FRIENDS, OUR POLITICAL PARTIES

SELECT THE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEES

THROUGH THE PRIMARY SYSTEM.

A MULTI-YEAR PROCESS DESIGNED TO

ENSURE THAT WHEN WE DECIDE THE

PERSON WHO WILL HAVE CONTROL

OVER OUR NATION'S DESTINY, WE

HAVE A BUNCH OF PICTURES OF THEM

EATING A CORN DOG.

[LAUGHTER]

LAST WEEKEND ONE OF OUR MORE

REBELLIOUS STATES DECIDED IT'S

NOT HAPPY WITH HOW THINGS ARE.

>> FLORIDA IS TALKING ABOUT

MOVING UP ITS PRESIDENTIAL

PRIMARY.

I MEAN, WAY UP THEY'RE THINKING

ABOUT MOVING IT UP.

THAT COULD MEAN CHAOS ON THE

CALENDAR THIS WINTER.

WE WILL TALK ABOUT THAT IN OUR

POLITICAL TICKER.

THAT'S COMING UP.

IT'S 12 MINUTES PAST THE HOUR.

♪ THE PEOPLE THAT YOU FIND

WHATEVER YOU MAY NEED ♪♪

>> Jon: REALLY?

"WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE" OVER OLD

PEOPLE VOTING, "WELCOME TO THE

JUNGLE"?

♪ WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

WE WEAR LONG BLACK SOCKS WITH

SHORTEDS AND EAT OUR LUNCH AT

3:00 ♪♪

GUNS AND ROSES HAS MORE

APPROPRIATE MUSIC FOR THIS

SCENE.

>> OF COURSE, THAT'S SEVERAL

WEEKS EARLIER THAN IS USUAL.

WE'LL TALK MORE ABOUT THAT IN

OUR POLITICAL TICKER.

♪ KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCKING ON

HEAVEN'S DOOR

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪♪

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

ANYWAY, I'M SORRY.

I GOT DISTRACTED BY THE MUSIC.

YOU WERE SAYING ABOUT FLORIDA.

>> THE KEY BATTLEGROUND STATE OF

FLORIDA JUST VOTED AN HOUR AGO

TO MOVE ITS PRIMARY UP AN ENTIRE

MONTH TO JANUARY 31st.

>> THIS MOVE WILL LIKELY THROW

THE CAREFULLY ARRANGED

REPUBLICAN NOMINATING CALENDAR

INTO DISARRAY AND JUMPSTART THE

NOMINATING PROCESS A MONTH

EARLIER THAN PARTY LEADERS HAD

HOPED.

>> Jon: I GUESS WE SHOULD HAVE

SEEN THIS COMING.

IF THERE'S ONE STATE THAT'S

GOING TO START A [BLEEPED]

CONTEST, IT'S HARDLY SURPRISING

IT'S THE ONE SHAPED LIKE A

[BLEEPED].

COME ON, FLORIDA.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

YES, WE'RE QUITE SOPHISTICATED.

AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE YOU'VE

CAUSED US, FLORIDA, PREVIOUS

ELECTION, YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO

DEMAND TO VOTE EARLIER.

YOU'RE LUCKY WE EVEN LET YOU

VOTE AT ALL.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY WE LET IOWA

AND NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTE FIRST?

BECAUSE THEY'VE EARNED OUR

TRUST.

WHEN WE LET THEM USE OUR VOTES,

THEY DON'T WRING IT BACK WITH

SWAMP WATER IN THE ENGINE AND

ALLIGATOR MEAT IN THE GRILL AND

HANGING CHADS ALL OVER THE

WINDSHIELD AND PAT BUCHANAN'S

NAME SPRAY PAINTED ON THE APULL

INDUSTRY.

WHY ARE YOU EVEN DOING THIS?

>> WE HAVE ALL OF THESE EARLY

PRIMARY DATES THAT ARE REALLY IN

SMALL STATES AND STATES THAT ARE

NOT DIVERSE IN POPULATION, AND

IT'S TIME FOR A BIG STATE,

POPULATED STATE AND A MINORITY

REPRESENTED STATE TO BE

REPRESENTED.

>> Jon: OH, SNAP.

DID YOU SEE THAT, NEW HAMPSHIRE.

OH, [BLEEPED], YOU'RE SO

HOMOGENIZED YOU MAKE MILK

JEALOUS.

OH, BOO.

OH, YOU'RE SO WHITE YOU CALL

SNOW CAMOUFLAGE.

BOO.

OH, [BLEEPED], YOU'RE SO WHITE

YOU GOT NERVOUS WHEN VERMONT

MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SONG I SHOULD

PLAY.

SLAM.

BUT THERE MIGHT BE ANOTHER MORE

INSIDIOUS REASON WHY FLORIDA IS

SO ANXIOUS TO BE FIRST.

>> YOU GET ATTENTION TO YOUR

ISSUES.

LET'S REMEMBER, THIS WE PROBABLY

WOULD NOT HAVE THE NATIONAL

SUBSIDY FOR ETHANOL THAT WE HAVE

IN THE UNITED STATES TODAY IF

IOWA, IF BOTH PARTIES DIDN'T

HAVE TO START THEIR PRESIDENTIAL

PROCESS IN IOWA.

THOSE KINDS OF ISSUES THAT GET

SPECIAL ATTENTION IF YOU ARE IN

THIS CHOSEN CLASS OF EARLY

PRIMARY STATE.

>> Jon: GREAT.

NOW THE PARTIES WILL PANDER TO

FLORIDA VOTEDDERS.

NOW THERE WILL BE A FEDERAL LAW

REQUIRING US TO VISIT OUR

GRANDPARENTS.

AND WHAT'S NEXT?

THIS BECOMES A CONSTITUTIONAL

AMENDMENT.

>> WE'LL NEVER BE SICK.

WE WON'T GET ANY OLDER AND WE

WON'T EVER DIE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: TO BE FAIR, THAT IS

QUITE APPEALING.

REFERENDUM.

BUT IF YOU THINK THE OTHER

STATES WILL JUST LET FLORIDA

STEAL THEIR THUNDER, THINK

AGAIN, BUDDY.

>> THE OTHER EARLY PRIMARY AND

CAUCUS STATES ARE ALL BUT

CERTAIN TO MOVE THEIR CONTESTS

UP, AS WELL.

THE IOWA CAUCUSES COULD NOW COME

AS EARLY AS JANUARY 9th

FOLLOWED BY NEW HAMPSHIRE,

NEVADA AND SOUTH CAROLINA.

>> AT WHICH POINT FLORIDA WILL

MOVE ITS DATE BACK TO NOVEMBER

15th AND NEW HAMPSHIRE WILL

MOVE IT UP TO NOVEMBER 30th.

LONG STORY SHORT THE REPUBLICAN

PRIMARIES ALREADY HAPPENED AND

DONALD TRUMP IS THE PARTY'S

NOMINEE.

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