Aliens vs. Senator

  • Aired:  06/22/11
  •  | Views: 76,664

Puppet John McCain blames illegal immigrants for starting the wildfires in Arizona, hiding his remote and taking his reading glasses. (5:04)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

RIGHT NOW IN ARIZONA, TERRIBLE

WILDFIRES HAVE BURNED MORE THAN

40 SQUARE MILES, DESTROYING

DOZENS OF HOMES.

IT'S A HORRIBLE SITUATION OUT

THERE.

BUT HOW DID IT START?

DROUGHT CONDITIONS?

HIGH WINDS?

HIGH TEMPERATURES, OR WAS IT

PERHAPS SOMETHING ELSE?

>> WE ARE CONCERNED ABOUT

PARTICULARLY AREAS DOWN ON THE

BORDER WHERE THERE IS

SUBSTANTIAL EVIDENCE THAT SOME

OF THESE FIRES ARE CAUSED BY

PEOPLE WHO HAVE CROSSED OUR

BORDER ILLEGALLY.

>> Jon: HUH.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF A FIRE IS

STARTED BY AN ILLEGAL OR A

REGULAR?

IS THERE LIKE ME SKEET TANG TO

THE SMOKE?

I GUESS EVIDENCE IS EVIDENCE.

>> A SPOKESMAN FOR THE U.S.

FOREST SERVICE SAYS THERE IS NO

EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT McCAIN'S

CLAIM.

>> Jon: OR NOT.

[LAUGHTER]

I WONDER HOW McCAIN WILL

ADDRESS HIS EARLIER STATEMENT

THAT SOME OF THESE FIRES WERE

CAUSED BY PEOPLE WHO CROSSED

ILLEGALLY.

>> I DID NOT SAY THAT THE

WILDFIRE WAS CAUSED BY PEOPLE

WHO CROSSED ILLEGALLY.

I JUST SAID SOME OF THESE FIRES,

AND THAT'S BEEN COMED.

SO I AM STILL NOT CLEAR WHAT

THIS IS ALL ABOUT.

>> Jon: YEAH,.

SEE NOW I'M CONFUSED.

BECAUSE EARLIER IN THE THING YOU

SAID WE HAVE EVIDENCE THAT THESE

FIRES... YOU KNOW, PERHAPS THE

ONLY WAY TO SETTLE THIS IS TO

SPEAK TO SENATOR McCAIN

HIMSELF, BUT SINCE HE [BLEEPED]

HATES US...

[LAUGHTER]

...PERHAPS WE SHOULD JUST

WELCOME SENATOR JOHN McCAIN.

SENATOR, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU

AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

THANKS FOR COMING BACK ON THE

SHOW.

>> I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.

BUILD THE DANG FENCE.

>> Jon: BUILD THE DANG FENCE

INDEED.

SENATOR, SOME PEOPLE THINK IN

THAT FIRST CLIP THAT WE SHOWED

THAT YOU WERE BLAMING ILLEGAL

IMMIGRANTS FOR THE WILDFIRE IN

SOUTHERN ARIZONA.

>> JON, YOU JUST DON'T GET THAT.

I NEVER SAID IMMIGRANTS STARTED

THE FIRE.

I JUST SAID IMMIGRANTS START

FIRES.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: YOU DID, THOUGH, AT A

PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT A

SPECIFIC FIRE, AND YOU DID SAY

IN YOUR STATEMENT, ILLEGAL

IMMIGRANTS AND THESE FIRES,

"THESE."

>> YEAH, WELL, THERE'S

SUBSTANTIAL EVIDENCE THAT THESE

FIRES WERE STARTED BY ILLEGAL

ALIEN, WHICH IS NOT WHAT I WAS

SAYING BUT IT'S TRUE ANYWAY AND

NOW I'M SAYING IT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: SO YOU ARE SAYING...

>> NO!

STOP MISQUOTING ME.

JON, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND

SOMETHING, MEXICANS START FIRES.

THEY'RE FIRE STARTERS.

I SAW ONE EAT A PLATE OF

HABANERO PEPPERS AND FART BLUE

FLAMES.

[LAUGHTER]

TOOK OFF LIKE THE SPACE SHUTTLE.

OH, OH, GEEZ, NOW WE'RE GOING TO

HAVE TO BUILD A TALLER FENCE.

>> Jon: NO.

THEY'RE NOT FLYING FART

MACHINES, SIR.

I DON'T THINK...

>> YOU DON'T LIVE WHERE I DO.

>> I UNDERSTAND, THAT BUT I

DON'T THINK THEY'RE MORE

FLAMMABLE THAN OTHER RACES.

THAT'S JUST NOT...

>> WELL, I DIDN'T EVEN BRING UP

THE OTHER STUFF THEY'RE DOING,

LIKE BREAKING AND ENTERING IN MY

OWN HOUSE.

>> Jon: SIR, THAT IS TERRIBLE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THE

VICTIM OF A BREAKIN.

WHAT DID THEY TAKE?

>> THEY DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING.

I FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH, AND

THEY SNUCK IN AND HID MY REMOTE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS

SNUCK IN THE HOUSE AND HID YOUR

REMOTE?

>> STUCK IT IN THE FREEZER LIKE

A BUNCH OF MANIACS.

I HAD TO BUILD A DANG FENCE

AROUND MY CLICKER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: SIR, DO YOU HAVE ANY

EVIDENCE OF THAT?

>> MY CLICKER WAS COLD AS HELL.

THAT'S MY EVIDENCE.

AND IT'S NOT FIRST TIME THEY

SNUCK AROUND.

LAST NIGHT I CAUGHT ONE OF THEM

KNOCKING OVER MY TRASH CANS.

HE WAS CRAWLING AROUND ON ALL

FOURS, WEARING A LITTLE FURRY

MASK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> DID THIS ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS

HAVE A TAIL BY ANY CHANCE?

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW?

>> I THINK THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN

A RACCOON?

>> OH, OH, OH, NOW WHO IS BEING

RACIST?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T DENY... JON, YOU CAN'T

DENY WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

IMMIGRANTS ARE STEALING MY

PILLS, MAKING MY LEGS TWITCH.

THEY TOOK MY READING GLASSES AND

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SEE A

DAMN THING FOR THREE WEEKS.

>> Jon: WERE YOU READING

GLASSES LIKE THE ONES THAT ARE

HANGING AROUND YOUR NECK RIGHT

NOW?

>> OH, NOW THEY'RE JUST

[BLEEPED] WITH ME.

>> Jon: THANK YOU, SENATOR

JOHN McCAIN, EVERYBODY.

Loading...