Don't Mess with Taxes - Tax Reform

  • Aired:  08/06/13
  •  | Views: 21,080

United States lawmakers are so chickens**t, Americans could get a tax break by setting them on fire. (3:33)

CHICKEN POOP BURNING SO IF THE

TAX CODE NEEDS TO BE FIXED AND

THERE'S A BIPARTISAN DESIRE TO

FIX IT, WHY HASN'T ANYONE DONE

IT IN 27 YEARS?

>> THE REASON WE'RE NOT SEEING

MORE MEANINGFUL TAX REFORM IS

QUITE SIMPLY BECAUSE ALL OF THE

POLITICIANS ARE TERRIFIED TO

ALIENATE THE BASE THAT FUNDS

THEM.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIND

SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING BASICALLY

TO DO POLITICAL SUICIDE.

>> IT'S THAT THIRD RAIL OF THE

NEW YORK SUBWAY SYSTEM.

YOU GRAB AND YOU'RE ELECTROCUTED

JON IS IT JUST ME OR DOES

POLITICS SEEM TO HAVE A SURPLUS

OF THIRD RAILS, CERTAINLY WAY

MORE THAN THREE.

>> NATIONAL SECURITY HAS BECOME

BASICALLY THE THIRD RAIL IN

AMERICAN POLITICS.

>> THE POLITICS OF GUN

REGULATION ARE A THIRD RAIL.

>> SOCIAL SECURITY IS THE

SO-CALLED THIRD RAIL OF AMERICAN

POLITICS.

>> MEDICARE REFORM PACKAGE AND

OF COURSE THAT'S THE THIRD RAIL

OF POLITICS.

>> THE TRUE THIRD RAIL OF

AMERICAN POLITICS: PICKING A

FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM FROM

OUTSIDE YOUR STATE.

>> John: IT'S LIKE AMERICA'S

POLITICAL SYSTEM IS BUILT

ENTIRELY OUT OF THIRD RAILS.

IT'S WHY YOU CAN'T URINATE

ANYWHERE IN THE WASHINGTON D.C.

AREA WITHOUT GETTING

ELECTROCUTED.

THAT'S TRUE.

THAT'S A FACT.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT EVERY SINGLE

PART OF THE TAX CODE IS IN THERE

BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTED IT TO BE.

IF YOU AS A POLITICIAN EVEN

CONSIDERED TAKING ONE OUT, ITS

BACKERS WILL MAKE YOU PAY.

SO YOU'VE GOT TO THINK TWICE

BEFORE GOING UP AGAINST BIG

HEDGE FUNDS, BIG OIL OR BIG

CHICKEN POOP.

THEY'LL GET YOU.

AND WHAT'S MORE IT'S PROBABLY

NOT JUST THEIR CURRENT JOBS THAT

LAWMAKERS ARE TRYING TO PROTECT.

IT'S ALSO THEIR MUCH MORE

LUCRATIVE FUTURE JOBS.

>> IN 1974, ONLY 3% OF RETIRING

MEMBERS OF CONGRESS BECAME

LOBBYISTS.

TODAY THAT NUMBER IS 42% FROM

MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE AND 50% FOR

SENATORS.

>> John: I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD

SAY THIS: BUT WASHINGTON REALLY

HAD SO MUCH MORE INTEGRITY BACK

IN THE WATERGATE ERA.

( APPLAUSE )

LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS NOWADAYS

OUR LAWMAKERS ARE SO CHICKEN

[BLEEP] YOU COULD GET A TAX

BREAK FOR SETTING THEM ON FIRE.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

HERE'S THE CRAZY THING.

THEY'RE NOT WRONG TO BE SCARED.

WHICH IS WHY THE CREDIT MUST GO

HERE TO SENATORS BAUCUS AND

HATCH WHO ARE CURRENTLY TRYING

TO OVERHAUL THE TAX CODE FROM

SCRATCH.

THEY'VE COME UP WITH AN INGENIUS

PLAN TO ENCOURAGE THEIR

COLLEAGUES TO DO SOMETHING

APPROACHING THEIR JOBS.

>> LEADERS OF THE SENATE FINANCE

COMMITTEE HAVE PROMISED THEIR

FELLOW LAWMAKERS THAT ANY

SUGGESTIONS THEY MAKE ABOUT WHAT

DEDUCTIONS AND CREDITS ARE

PRESERVED IN TAX REFORM WILL BE

KEPT SECRET FOR 50 YEARS.

>> John: THAT IS THE LAMEST TIME

CAPSULE EVER.

LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS FROM 2013.

WE GOT A SLEEN A GOMEZ CD.

SOMETHING CALLED A SNUGGIE AND,

OH, A 10-TO-1 SPENDING CUTS

DEAL.

IT'S ALL RETRO.

THIS IS HOW PARANOID THE

SENATORS ARE WITH THEIR

SUGGESTIONS FOR MAKING THE

COUNTRY BETTER MIGHT LEAK OUT

AND THEREBY DESTROY THEIR

CAREERS.

THE 50-YEAR BALLOT OF SECRECY

WASN'T ENOUGH.

THEIR IDEAS AND OPINIONS WILL

EACH GET THEIR OWN I.D. NUMBER

AND BE STORED ON PASSWORD

PROTECTED SER SERVERS AND IN

LOCKED SAFES.

THOSE LOCKED SAFES WILL HAVE A

HANDLE MADE OF A DEADLY SPIDER

WHICH, EVEN IF YOU'RE BRAVE

E

Loading...