Daily Show: Whackistan

  • Aired:  05/16/11
  •  | Views: 238,376

The Osama bin Laden porn story is interrupted by Donald Trump's announcement and Dominique Strauss-Kahn's arrest. (5:50)

Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRAL

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILY

SHOW.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

GOOD GUESTS TONIGHT.

TONIGHT JOHN RONSON AUTHOR OF

THE PSYCHOPATH TEST.

I HOPE I PASS.

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THE

DEAL.

THIS IS THE DEAL.

I'M GOING TO BREAK IT DOWN FOR

YOU.

LAST FRIDAY THE BIN LADEN

STORY BREAKS FROM PAKISTAN.

THAT HAS EVERYTHING.

ALL THE ELEMENTS OF A BLOW-OUT

MONDAY DAILY SHOW.

>> NBC NEWS CAN NOW CONFIRM

THAT A STASH OF PORNOGRAPHY

WAS FOUND INSIDE THE TERROR

LEADERS LAIR.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: FIRST OF ALL NBC NEWS

CAN NOW CONFIRM?

NBC NEWS CAN NOW CONFIRM WHAT

WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT TO BE

PICTURES OF NAKED PEOPLE

WRESTLING.

IN FACT, THERE WAS SOME TALK

IN OUR MORNING EDITORIAL

MEETING AS TO WHETHER OR NOT

IT SHOULD BE CLASSIFIED AS

EROTICA AND THEN WE SAW A

PICTURE OF A WOMAN (BEEP) A

HORSE.

SO WE BELIEVE THAT AT 1:12

P.M. EASTERN STANDARD TIME

THIS BE STRAIGHT-UP PORN.

WHAT A STORY!

EVEN BEFORE NAVY SEALS SHOT

OUT HIS EYES, OSAMA BIN LADEN

WAS PROBABLY GOING BLIND

ANYWAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

YOU LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

WE CAME UP WITH A BUNCH OF

THEM.

THIS ONE IS ONE OF MY

FAVORITES.

COME ON!

THAT'S CLASSY.

ANYWAY OBVIOUSLY WE'RE

EXTREMELY EXCITED, ALL SET TO

DO THIS STORY.

GOT ALL THE MATERIALS WE NEED

TO DO THIS STORY JUST THE WAY

WE LIKE TO DO A STORY LIKE

THIS.

WE'RE VERY PARTICULAR WHEN

WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THE TIME

TO DO THIS KIND OF STORY.

I GOT THE PAPER TO MY RIGHT.

THE WAY I LIKE IT SO I CAN

FLIP IT WITH MY RIGHT HAND.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

MY LEFT HAND IS FREE.

I GOT THE VIDEO OF THE STORY

QUEUED UP TO ONLY THE PART

THAT WORKS FOR ME.

I GOT 200 PEOPLE WATCHING.

AND THEN AND THEN MOM, DON'T

COME IN.

I'M COVERING A STORY.

>> I WILL NOT BE RUNNING FOR

PRESIDENT AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE

TO.

AND I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY

VERY MUCH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: THEY'RE NOT CHEERING

FOR THE REASON YOU THINK

THEY'RE CHEERING.

IT'S THE KIND OF SOUND PEOPLE

MAKE WHEN A DOCTOR SAYS IT'S

BENIGN.

THE WHOLE WEEKEND WAS THIS

KIND OF CRAP.

WE HAVE THE TRUMP THING.

THAT HAPPENED JUST LATE TODAY.

WE'LL PROBABLY HAVE MORE ON

THAT TOMORROW.

MAYBE WE COULD GO LOOK BACK

UNDER BIN LADEN'S MATTRESS.

BUT THEN, THEN... YOU LIKE

THAT ONE?

BUT THEN THIS HAPPENED ON

SATURDAY.

>> ONE OF THE MOST INFLUENTIAL

BAN HE CANERS IN THE WORLD AND

THE POSSIBLE CANDIDATE FOR'

PRESIDENCY OF FRANCE IS DUE IN

A NEW YORK COURT THIS MORNING,

THIS AFTER HE WAS ARREST AND

CHARGED WITH SEXUAL ASSAULT AT

A LUXURY MANHATTAN HOTEL.

>> Jon: WOW!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN BAD SHAPE

WHEN YOUR SEX SCANDAL COMES

OUT THE SAME WEEKEND AS OSAMA

BIN LADEN'S, AND YOU'RE THE

ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THE REAL

(BEEP).

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THAT'S BAD.

WHAT DID DOMINIQUE STRAUSS-KAHN,

WHO HEADS UP THE INTERNATIONAL

MONETARY FUND, A TRILLION

DOLLAR ORGANIZATION THAT

WIELDS AN ENORMOUS POWER OVER

DEVELOPING NATIONS, SOME WOULD

SAY IN AN EX-PLOY TATE TIFF

FASHION.

WHAT DID THIS FELLOW DO.

>> A HOTEL HOUSEKEEPER ENTERED

ROOM 2806 IN MANHATTAN.

INSIDE 62-YEAR-OLD STRAUSS-KAHN

ALLEGEDLY CAME OUT OF THE

BATHROOM NAKED, CHASED HER

THROUGH THE ROOMS, FORCED HER

TO PERFORM A SEX ACT AND TRIED

TO TEAR OFF HER UNDERWEAR.

>> THE ACCUSER CURRENTLY

LIVING IN THE BRONX.

>> Jon: ARE YOU KIDDING?

WHAT?

THAT'S LIKE A LIVE ACTION

METAPHOR.

THE HEAD OF THE

I.M.F.ALLEGEDLY TRYING TO

(BEEP) AN AFRICAN.

IT'S LIKE HE'S POSING FOR HIS

OWN EDITORIAL CARTOON.

THE POSSIBLE FRENCH

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE STRAUSS-

KAHN OR SHOULD I SAY THE

FORMER POSSIBLE FRENCH

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.

WELL, IT IS FRANCE.

HE WAS CAUGHT TRYING TO FLEE

THE COUNTRY AT KENNEDY

AIRPORT.

THEY HAD TO PULL HIM OFF THE

PLANE.

THE POLICE ARE CONFIDENT

THOUGH THAT THEY HAVE THE

RIGHT MAN AFTER THE HOTEL MADE

PICKED STRAUSS-KAHN OUT OF

THIS LINEUP.

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