Sharks, Lies, and Videotape

  • Aired:  08/07/13
  •  | Views: 60,693

The Discovery Channel almost actually discovers something during "Shark Week." (3:29)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WELCOME BACK.

I WANT TO TAKE A MOMENT TO THANK

EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU FOR

TUNING IN TONIGHT BECAUSE,

FRANKLY, WAL KNOW WHAT TIME OF

YEAR IT IS.

>> SHARK WEEK.

IT'S A BAD WEEK TO BE A SEAL.

>> John: THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S "SHARK WEEK" THE SEVEN-DAY

CELEBRATION OF THE OCEAN'S

GREATEST PREDATOR, THANKS TO

GREAT SHARK PIONEERS LIKE MARTIN

LUTHER FIN AND THE LEGENDARY

RECOVERY SHOCKS.

SHE WOULD NOT SWIM TO THE BACK

OF THE TANK.

SHE WOULD NOT DO IT.

AND THIS YEAR, DISCOVERY CHANNEL

KICKED THE WEEK OFF WITH A TRULY

AMAZING DOCUMENTARY.

>> MEGALATON, THE SERIAL KILLER

OF THE SEAS.

WHAT YOU ARE WITNESSING ARE THE

ACTUAL EVENTS AS THEY UNFOLDED.

>> I SAW A BIG SHADOW BEHIND ME,

AND THE CAGE STARTED SHAKING

LIKE CRAZY.

>> WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON

BACK HERE.

>> THE CAGE IS DONE.

>> DID YOU SEE THAT.

>> THE CAGE IS GONE.

>> John: WOW THE DISCOVERY

CHANNEL ACTUALLY DISCOVERED

SOMETHING.

THEY FOUND AN ACTUAL LIVING,

PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT TO BE AND I

THINK MEGALADON.

THEY'RE GOING TO GET SOME NOBEL

PRIZE FOR FISHING.

UNLESS-- I'M SORRY, I'M HEARING

THERE IS LATE-BREAKING NEWS.

>> THERE'S A "SHARK WEEK"

CONTROVERSY OR SHOULD WE SAY

SHARK-ROW-VERSEY.

>> John: NO, YOU SHOULD NEVER

SAY THAT, THOSE WORDS SHOULD

NEVER PASS YOUR FACE, UNLESS

MAYBE BEFORE GOING ON AIR YOU

READ YOUR SCRIPT AND SAY WHO PUT

SHARK-ROW-VERSEY IN MY ( BLEEP )

SCRIPT.

HAVING SAID THAT, I HAVE TO ASK,

WHAT IS THE SHARK-ROW-VERSEY.

>> THE MEGULADON IS AND I THINK.

THIS WASN'T ISRAELI A

DOCUMENTARY, BUT A

DRAMATIZATION, IF YOU WILL, A

FAKE DOCUMENTARY.

THEY DID RUN A DISCLAIMER ON THE

SHOW FOR, LIKE, THREE SECONDS.

>> WE'RE GOING TO LOSE IT.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> John: WAIT, WAIT!

YOU FAKED A TWO-HOUR SHOW, AND

YOUR DISCLAIMER WAS THREE

SECONDS AT THE END?

YOU KNOW NO ONE SAW THOSE

BLINKING LIGHTS ON THE BOTTOM OF

THE SCREEN, DON'T YOUUC BECAUSET

END OF THE SHOW THEY WERE TOO

BUSY CALLING THEIR FLEEMS

SAYING, "GET THE HELL OUT OF

OCEAN!

GET OUT OF THE SWIMMING POOL!

GET OUT OF THE VODKA!

THERE'S A MONSTER SHARK!

THERE'S A MONSTER SHARK!" THAT

LEVEL OF DIPLICITY, DISCOVERY

MUST BE PRETTY ASHAMED OF

THEMSELVES.

I AM SURE THEY ISSUED A

MEGA-LA-POL GEE.

>> THEY ALMOST FLAUNTED THE FACT

THAT THEY DUPED VIEWERS PUT THE

POLL ON THEIR WEB SITE SHOWING

73% OF PEOPLE BELIEVED THIS

MONSTER SHARK STILL EXISTED.

>> John: WHY DID EVERYONE

THINK THAT?

BECAUSE YOU SAID THEY WERE REAL.

THE FACT THAT 73% OF PEOPLE

BELIEVE YOU DOESN'T MAKE THEMÑi

STUPID.

IT MAKES THEM TRUSTY GOOD

PEOPLE.

IT'S ACTUALLY HEARTWARMING TO ME

THAT MANY OF THEM BELIEVE YOU,

GIVEN THAT YOU'RE THE NETWORK

BEHIND SHOWS LIKE "AMISH MAUVE

QA" AND "MARIJUANAñr PORN WEED

COUNTRY" AS WELL AS "NAKEDçó AND

AFRAID-- WHERE YOU CAN LEARN TO

CATCH FISH WITH YOUR VAGINA.

DISCOVERY KNOWS GIVE A WOMAN A

FISH AND SHE'LL EAT FOR A DAY.

HEECH TERHAD FISH WITH HER

VAGINA AND YOU HAVE GOT

Loading...