The Dumb Poisoner's Handbook

  • Aired:  04/29/13
  •  | Views: 36,064

While investigating the source of ricin-laced letters sent to President Obama, authorities switch their focus from an Elvis impersonator to a karate instructor. (3:19)

>> Jon: WHAT DO YOU CALL IT

THERE, TERRORISM-- EVERYBODY GOT

QUIET REAL FAST.

IT'S BEEN IN THE NEWS A LOT

LATELY WITH THE TERRIBLE,

TERRIBLE BOSTON BOMBINGS AND

THEIR AFTERMATH BUT THERE HAS

BEEN ANOTHER THREAT UNFOLDING.

>> LETTERS SENT TO BOTH

PRESIDENT OBAMA AND THE UNITED

STATES SENATOR TESTED POSITIVE

FOR THE DEADLY POISON RICIN.

>> Jon: I AM SHOCKED THAT

PEOPLE STILL MAIL LETTERS.

( LAUGHTER )

I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL ABOUT CYBER

TERRORISM NOW.

FOR THE LATEST DEVELOPMENTS IN

THE RICIN INVESTIGATION CAN BE

SUMMED UP WITH WHAT IS POSSIBLYçó

MY FAVORITE SENTENCE EVER

ATTERED IN RELATION TOÑU

POSSIBLE DEADLY TERRORIST

INCIDENT.

>> THEY'VE SWITCHED THEIR FOCUS

FROM AN ELVIS IMPERSONATOR TO A

KARATE INSTRUCTOR.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE ).

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, IN

TODAY'S FAST-PACED WORLD, WE

NEVER REALLY TAKE THE TIME TO

TRULY SAFE ORT LITTLE THING SO

I'M GOING TO PLAY THAT AGAIN.

>> AUTHORITIES HAVE SWITCHED

THEIR FOCUS FROM THE ELVIS

IMPERSONATOR, TO A CRAWT

INSTRUCTOR.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: THAT ANSWER TO THE

MOST ( BLEEP ) GAME OF "CLUE"

EVER.

THE KARATE INSTRUCTOR DID IT

WITH THE RICE INCONSISTENT

BREAKFAST NOOK.

BY THE WAY, THAT ELVIS

IMPERSONATOR.

DO NOT PIGEONHOLE HIM, MEDIA.

HE DOES A MEAN RANDY TRAVIS

♪ ON THE OTHER HAND

THERE'S A GOLDEN MAN

♪ AND IT REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE

♪ ♪

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE ).

>> Jon: THAT'S HIS LAWYER,

AND IF YOU LIKE THAT BE SURE TO

LOOK FOR HIS NEW ALBUM "CLEARED

RICIN SUSPECT."

THAT IS PAUL KEVIN CURTIS.

I WANT TO REITERATE THIS, HE'S

BEEN COMPLETELY CLEARED IN THIS

INVESTIGATION.

IT TURNS OUT THE ELVIS

IMPERSONATOR MAY HAVE BEEN

FRAMED FOR THE CRIME OF SENDING

DEADLY POISON TO THE PRESIDENT

BY J. EVERETT DUTSCHKE, ANGRY

THAT HE WAS REMOVING HIS

CAMPAIGN BUMPER STICKERS.

THIS IS NOT A CUNNING TERROR

PLOT.

IT'S DAVID LYNCH TRECT AN

EPISODE OF "MAMMA'S FAMILY."

( LAUGHTER )

BUT I GOTTA GIVE CURTIS HIS DUE.

I HAVE SELDOM SEEN ANYONE MAKE A

MORE ENTERTAINING USE OF HIS 15

MINUTES.

>> LET IT, KNOWN, IF YOU NEED

THE MEGAREPRESENTATION, THIS IS

THE PERSON.

>> RIGHT NOW MY-- I CAN'T REALLY

AFFORD TO PAY HER THE MILLION

THAT SHE'S WORTH.

>> OH WHATEVER!

>> BUT I AM A LICENSED CERTIFIED

REFLEXOLOGIST, AND I'M GOING TO

START WITH FOOT MASSAGE THERAPY

WITH CHRISTIE, WHO IS GOING TO

BE MY FIRST CLIENT AND I'M GOING

TO DONATE 100,000 HOURS TO

COMMUNITY SERVICE IN NORTHEAST

MISSISSIPPI TO ALL YOU LADIES

WHO NEED FOOT MASSAGE THERAPY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Jon: HE SEEMS LIKE A

GOOD GUY.

THE ONLY THING -- AT LEAST HE'S

GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR.

I WONDER HOW YOU GO THROUGH AN

ORDEAL LIKE THAT AND KEEP SUCH

HIGH SPIRITS.

>> I'VE BEEN TO JAIL 20 TIMES

AND I'VE NEVER BEEN CONVICT OF

ANYTHING SO FAR.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT THEY

SAY, IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T

Loading...