Band of Boners

  • Aired:  11/13/12
  •  | Views: 157,050

The Petraeus scandal widens to include another general and shirtless FBI agent, so John Oliver believes the military's only solution is banning non-gays. (5:56)

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW!

SO YESTERDAY WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THAT STORY OF THE FOUR STAR GENERAL AND C.I.A. CHIEF

DAVID PETRAEUS WHO HAS HAD THIS AFFAIR WITH HIS BIOGRAPHER PAULA BROADWELL, IT WAS DISCOVERED

WHEN SHE STARTED HARASSING THIS OTHER LADY JILL KELLEY BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT KELLEY MIGHT BE

GETTING TOO CLOSE TO PETRAEUS.

ANYWAY.

(LAUGHTER) SINCE THEN WE FOUND OUT JILL KELLYE MAY HAVE BEEN INAPPROPRIATELY E-MAILING WITH

GENERAL JOHN ALLEN WHO HAS NOW HAD HIS PROMOTION TO SUPREME ALLIED COMMANDER OF EUROPE ENDED.

I'VE GOT TO SAY, ALL THIS HAS THE MAKINGS OF A PRETTY SWEET MILITARY-THEMED VIDEO GAME.

(LAUGHTER) NOW, IN CASE -- (LAUGHTER).

DON'T -- YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO ENCOURAGE THIS KIND OF THING -- (LAUGHTER).

WE WILL CONTINUE TO PUN THIS WAY.

(LAUGHTER) IN CASE YOU'RE HAVING DIFFICULTY RECONCILING THE HARD NEWS VALUE OF THIS WITH THE HIGH SCHOOL

LUNCHROOM TABLE GOSSIP ELEMENT, REST ASSURED, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

>> JUST A SECOND, I THINK WE'RE GETTING BREAKING NEWS.

HOLD ON.

>> THE E-MAILS WERE FLIRTATIOUS IN NATURE AND --

>> JENNIFER WORKING WITH OUR PRODUCER THERE.

>> THIS JUST IN THAT A SENIOR U.S. DEFENSE OFFICIAL DOES TELL US THAT THE E-MAILS WITH JILL

KELLEY AND GENERAL ALLEN WERE FLIRTATIOUS IN NATURE.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: YOU BROKE INTO THE BROADCAST FOR THAT?

THIS JUST IN!

THE CAPTAIN OF THE VARSITY FOOTBALL TEAM JEREMY WINTERS IS BELIEVED TO HAVE -- WHAT'S THAT?

YES, I AM GETTING CONFIRMATION!

HE TOTALLY (BLEEP) TAMMY BLANKENSHIP UNDER THE BLEACHERS.

WHAT'S THAT?

MARSHA SAYS SO AS WELL?

THAT'S TWO SOURCES.

(LAUGHTER) BY THE WAY, WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOT ON THE THE MOST AMAZING FACT ABOUT THESE FLIRTATIOUS E-MAILS.

>> THE F.B.I. HAS TURNED OVER 20,000 TO 30,000 PAGES OF DOCUMENTS FOUND DURING THE PROBE.

MANY ARE E-MAILS BETWEEN ALLEN AND KELLEY SENT OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS.

>> 30,000 PAGES OF E-MAILS?

I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT IF STEPHEN KING AND GEORGE R.R. MARTIN WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR.

(LAUGHTER) THOSE ARE SOME PROLIFIC MOTHER (BLEEP)ERS.

(LAUGHTER) BUT THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN SEDUCTION AND SPAMMING SOMEONE.

(LAUGHTER) I DON'T THINK I'VE GOT THAN MANY E-MAILS EVER AND I WAS ON THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN MAILING LIST.

SO OKAY THE GENERAL, HIS BIOGRAPHER, HIS SUCCESSOR, AND HIS FORMER DEPUTY HAVE ALL BEEN

CAUGHT IN BIG SEXY TIME SCANDAL.

BUT THAT'S IT!

REVELATION WISE, WHERE'S THE HUNT?

>> FURTHER COMPLICATING THE CASE: OFFICIALS SAY THE F.B.I.

AGENT WHO FIRST LAUNCHED THE INVESTIGATION, A FRIEND OF KELLEY'S, IS NOW HIMSELF IS

SUBJECT OF AN INTERNAL F.B.I.

PROBE FOR SUSPECTED INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, INCLUDING SENDING KELLEY SHIRTLESS PHOTOS OF HIMSELF.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) OKAY, TWO THINGS.

FIRST WHAT DOES THIS WOMAN SMELL LIKE?

(LAUGHTER) IS IT A HEADY MIXTURE OF AMBROSIA AND CRACK?

(LAUGHTER) IS SHE THE SPAWN OF MARILYN MONROE AND A BOTTLE OF ACTION BODY SPRAY?

(LAUGHTER) THREE SEX SCANDALS?

AND SECOND, KUDOS TO ANONYMOUS SILHOUETTE GUY -- (LAUGHTER).

-- ON THAT SHIRTLESS PHOTO.

HE'S BEEN WORKING OUT.

I REMEMBER WITH WHAT THIS GUY LOOKED LIKE LAST YEAR.

I MEAN, HOW DID HE TAKE THE WEIGHT OFF?

OH, SHAKE WEIGHT!

WELL, THAT'S A GOOD CALL.

FOR MORE WE'RE JOINED BY SENIOR MILITARY ANALYST JOHN OLIVER AT THE PENTAGON.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SO NOW THAT THE SCOPE OF THE SCANDAL HAS WIDENED, HOW IS THE

MILITARY GOING TO RESPOND?

THERE'S GOT TO BE FIRINGS!

>> SKWRO *EPB, A FEW SYMBOLIC FIRINGS IS NO LONGER GOING TO DO THE TRICK.

WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT HETEROSEXUALS IN THE MILITARY.

(LAUGHTER) WE'VE GOT TO GET RID OF THEM, JON!

THEY HAVE GOT TO GO.

>> THAT IS A DRASTIC STEP.

I DON'T KNOW THAN THAT'S THE ANSWER.

IT'S A DRASTIC STEP.

>> NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT, JON.

THEY'VE GOT TO BE BANNED.

IF WE THINK ABOUT IT, IT WAS PROBABLY A MISTAKE TO LET THEM IN IN THE FIRST PLACE.

TRADITIONAL ARMIES WERE ALWAYS GAY, JON.

AS DEMONSTRATED IN THIS DOCUMENTARY OF A SPECTACULAR GROUP OF RIPPED GAY SPARTANS

REPELLING WHAT WAS AT THAT POINT A MUCH BIGGER EVEN GAYER PERSIAN ARMY.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: MANY STRAIGHTS HAVE SERVED HONORABLY AND HAVE NOT CHEATED ON THEIR SPOUSES.

>> JON, READ THE BIBLE.

THESE PEOPLE ARE INCAPABLE OF MONOGAMY.

IT GOES ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE GARDEN OF EDEN.

IT'S LIKE THE OLD BIBLICAL SAYING GOES: FOR EVERY WOMAN MADE FROM ADAM'S FIFTH RIB

THERE'S A GUY IN A GARDEN WHO'S TIRED OF (BLEEP)ING HER.

(LAUGHTER) AND WHO'S DRAWING PICTURES OF HIS PENIS ON A ROCK AND TRYING TO GIVE IT TO EVE'S SISTER.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW YOUR BIBLE SO I WON'T QUESTION THAT.

>> I DO!

I DO!

I LOVE MY BOOK.

>> Jon: LET'S NOT BE BLIND HER, JOHN, THE MAJORITY OF THE MILITARY IS HETEROSEXUAL.

IF WE BAN STRAIGHT PEOPLE, WHO IS LEFT TO DEFEND US?

IS THAT ROBOTS?

>> NO, JON, THAT IS OUT OF THE QUESTION!

HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT ROBOTS DO UNSUPERVISED?

>> NO, I -- OH.

>> Jon: .

>> THOSE ARE MY ROOMBAS, JON, AND THAT DAY I HAD TO CLEAN UP THEIR MESS.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Jon: WELL, THANK YOU, JOHN,

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