"Marry Smart" - Dewy Adorable Days Gone By

  • Aired:  03/27/14
  •  | Views: 92,485

Kristen Schaal laments her diminishing attractiveness and launches a kindergarten singles network to help ladies get started on the husband hunt early. (5:08)

FOR MORE WE'RE JOINED BY SENIORWOMEN'S ISSUES CORRESPONDENT.

KRISTEN SCHAAL. THANKS FOR BEINGHERE.

KRISTEN, THANK YOU FOR JOININGUS.

>> NO, DON'T LOOK AT ME.

I AM HIDEOUS.

>> Jon: STOP.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU LOOK GREAT.

>> YEAH FOR A DRIED UP30-SOMETHING YEAR OLD CRONE YOU

MEAN. FACE IT, MY DEWEY ADORABLE

DAYS ARE IN THE REARVIEWMIRROR

>> Jon: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOUARE DEWEY.

YOU ARE DEWEYER THAN THE DEWEYDECIMAL SYSTEM.

BESIDES YOU ARE ALREADY MARRIED.

>> YEAH, TO A COMEDY WRITER.

THE LOWEST OF THE LOW, RIGHT.

WHY DIDN'T I PLAN AHEAD, ARGGH!

>> Jon: KRISTEN THIS, SUSANPATTON SHE'S A KOOK.

WHY ARE YOU IN ALMOST EVERYMAJOR NEWS NETWORK IN THE

COUNTRY TAKING HER SERIOUSLY?THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

SHE'S A KOOK, IS SHE?

>> Jon: I BELIEVE THAT. THAT'SRIGHT.

>> MEN HAVE A DIFFERENT PLAYINGFIELD.

THEY CAN TAKE THEIR WHOLE LIVESTO GET MARRIED AND HAVE

CHILDREN.

WOMEN JUST DON'T HAVE THAT KINDOF TIME.

YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER.

YOU HAVE TO GET TO THIS, YOUHAVE TO PLAN FOR IT.

>> THAT WAS MARCH 11 ON MARCH 17WE HEARD THIS SPECIAL

ANNOUNCEMENT.

>> MS. SAVANNAH GUTHRIE GOTMARRIED OVER THE WEEKEND.

>> WE'RE FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT.

>> Jon: THAT'S (bleep)ED UP.

WOW.

THIS BOOK WAS SUCH A WAKEWAKE-UP CALL SAVANNAH GUTHRIE

GOT MARRIED, LOST HERVIRGINITY AND BECAME

FOUR MONTHS PREGNANTIN SIX DAYS.

YOU GO, GIRL!

SHE'S ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.

TOO MANY GIRLS HAVE BEEN SEDUCEDBY THE FEMINIST LIE THAT WOMEN

OVER 30 ARE REMOTAL DOABLE.

THE HARD TRUTH IS THAT MONTHAFTER MONTH YOUR PRECIOUS EGGS

ARE JUMPING OUT OF YOUR VAGINALIKE RATS

OFF A SINKING SHIP.

[ LAUGHTER ]>> Jon: IS THAT WHAT HAPPENS?

THEY -- THEY -->> WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT THE

EGG FAIRY WILL TAKE THEM WHILEYOU SLEEP AND LEAVE A DOLLAR UP

YOUR -- PILLOW?

>> Jon: NO.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I THOUGHT.

NOTE TO SELF WRITE ANGRY LETTERTO OLD HEALTH TEACHER.

THIS IS NO FAIRYTALE, JON.

THESE ARE FACTS BASED ONOPINION.

AND WOMEN NEED TO HEAR IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]THAT'S WHY I TOOK THE TRUTH TO A

PLACE WITH THE HIGHESTCONCENTRATION OF DESPERATELONELY

HAGS WHO ARE DOWN TO THEIRLAST RAISINY EGGS SPIN CLASS.

>> ARE YOU GUYS READY?

ARE YOU GUYS PUMPED.

YEAH, LET'S DO THIS.

>> ALL RIGHT.

PAGE 119.

GIRLS THAT KNOW THAT THEY ARE ONTHEIR LAST PINT OF NUBILE FUEL

SHOULD GO INTO OVER DRIVE.

TO FIND A HUSBAND, HUSBAND'S ANDSTART A FAMILY LET'S DO IT.

YOU THINK THIS IS PAIN.

THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THE PAIN OFDYING ALONE AND CHILDLESS!

COME ON!

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: DID IT

WORK?

>> DID THAT WORK?

>> ABSOLUTELY MY BUTT IS SUPERSORE.

I FEEL MUSCLE I DIDN'T THINK IHAD.

IS THAT MUSCLE OR BONE.

>> Jon: I THINK IT'SCARTILAGE.

I DID NOT NECESSARILY MEAN DIDIT WORK ON YOUR BODY, DID

THE WOMEN THERE GET THE MESSAGE?

>> NO, YOU SAW THEM THEY WEREPEDALING FAST AND GOING NOWHERE.

SAD.

I REALIZED I HAD TO CATCH WOMENEVEN EARLIER.

TAKE SUSAN PATTON'S MESSAGE OFPANIC AND DESPERATION TO WHERE

IT BELONGS.

MEN PRODUCE AROUND 7 TRILLIONSPERM IN A LIFETIME.

ANYONE KNOW HOW MANY EGGS WOMENPRODUCE?

>> 30-HUNDRED.

>> 30-HUNDRED.

NO.

NO.

NOW WE'RE GOING TO MOVE ON TOTHE CHAPTER ABOUT SLUT SHAMING.

>> YEAH!

EASY ON THOSE CHEERIOS KID.

THEY DON'T CALL IT BABY FATAFTER 18 MONTHS.

WANT TO LEARN HOW TO TELL TIME?

>> YEAH.

>> TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK.

THAT'S YOUR UTERUS.

GETTING OLDER AND OLDER.

THERE'S A MONSTER UNDERNEATHYOU.

IT'S CALLED LONELINESS.

OKAY?

THAT GIRL WILL THANK MEWHEN SHE'S A 30-YEAR-OLD

GRANDMA.

>> Jon: THAT'S GOOD PUBLICSERVICE.

AND I CAN'T GO TO EVERYKINDERGARTEN CLASSROOM MYSELF.

THAT'S WHY I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCETHE LAUNCH OF K-DATE.

THE LEADING KINDERGARTEN SINGLESNETWORK.

GET DAD'S iPAD, PRETEND YOU'REPLAYING CANDY CRUSH, AND START

THE HUSBAND HUNT BEFORETHEY ARE ALL GONE.

>> Jon: I THINK IT'S WISE ANDCLEARLY THAT ONE KID LIKES

BOOBIES.

>> MEN ARE TERRIBLE CREATURES.

GET ONE AS SOON AS YOU CAN.

THAT'S THE MESSAGE.

>> KRISTIN SCHAAL, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]BEAUTIFUL.

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