A Nightmare on Wall Street

  • Aired:  10/23/13
  •  | Views: 66,131

The government executes a shakedown-witch-hunt-scalping-jihad against JPMorgan Chase. (5:05)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW".

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

GOT A GOOD ONE FOR YOU THISEVENING.

MY GUEST TONIGHT COLUMNISTCHARLES KRAUTHAMMER

IS JOINING US.

BUT FIRST 50 YEARS AGO IN DALLASAN ASSASSINATION THAT CHANGED --

SORRY I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING ADISCUSSION EARLIER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]EARLIER TONIGHT WE WERE HAVING A

SPIRITED AND INTERESTINGDISCUSSION.

I THOUGHT I WOULD MAKE A WITTYJOKE ABOUT IT.

WE BEGIN ON WALL STREET.

IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS SINCE THEFINANCIAL COLLAPSE THAT TANKED

THE GLOBAL ECONOMY.

WHILE NO ONE HAS BEEN SENT TOJAIL OR COMMUNITY SERVICE OR

EVEN HAD A ONE HOUR TIME OUT INA ROOM OR FACED THE REALITY

OF CAUSING A SELF INFLICTEDECONOMIC CATASTROPHE. MAYBE

IT'S ABOUT TO CHANGE.

>> JP MORGAN AND THE JUSTICEDEPARTMENT HAVE TENTATIVELY

AGREED TO A 13 BILLIONCIVEL SETTLEMENT.

>> $13 BILLION SETTLEMENT WITH>> $1THE GOVERNMENT TO ENDWITH

INVESTIGATIONS INTOBAD LOANS.

>> THEY SAY JP MORGAN KNOWINGLY>>MISLED INVESTORS BY SELLINGLY

SECURITIES THAT WEREBACKED BY RISKY MORTGAGES.

>> Jon: RISKY MORTGAGES.

IT SEEMS SO MUCH COOLER WHEN TOMCRUISE WAS IN THAT MOVIE. HIS

PARENTS WERE OUT OF TOWN AND HIMAND HIS FRIENDS CONVINCED PEOPLE

TO TAKE ON IMPROPERLYCOLLATERALIZED LOANS AND THEN

PACKAGED THE LOANS WITH A SULTRYDERIVATIVES TRADER. I REMEMBER

HER. AND THAT GUY WHO WENT ON TOPLAY BOOGER.

THAT'S WHY SO MANY TRADERS WORKIN A BUTTON DOWN AND UNDERPANTS.

$13 BILLION WHAT LUCKY BASTARDSARE GETTING A BITE OF THAT

CHEESE.

$6 BILLION GOES TOWARDS INVESTORCOMPENSATION $4 BILLION FOR

HOMEOWNER RELIEF AND $2 BILLIONIN PENALTY FINES BUT THE

GOVERNMENT HAS TO PAY JPMORGAN'S $8 SETTLEMENT

PROCESSING FEES.

DAMN YOU BANK FEES.

DAMN YOU AND YOUR BANK!

YOU KNOW WHO MUST BE THRILLED TOYOUHEAR THIS NEWS? FINANCIALD TO

ANALYSTS AND BUSINESS REPORTERS

WHO AFTER YEARS OF COVERINGCORPORATE MISDEEDS ARE SEEING

JUSTICE SERVED.

>> WHAT IS UP WITH THISINCREDIBLE $13 BILLION SHAKE

DOWN OF JP MORGAN.

>> THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT FEELSLIKE IT NEEDS SCALPS.

THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION IS ATWAR.

>> IS IT A WITCH HUNT.

>> IT'S A JIHAD AGAINST JPMORGAN.

>> Jon: IT'S A SHAKE DOWN,WITCHHUNT SCALPING JIHAD.

SO WAIT, WHAT I SAW IS AMUTUALLY NEGOTIATED COMPENSATORY

AGREEMENT RELATED TO SHAKYBUSINESS DEALINGS YOU SEE IT

AS A SHAKEDOWN WITCHHUNTSCALPING JIHAD.

IT'S LIKE IF THE HOLOCAUST HADSEX WITH SLAVERY WHILE THE LAST

TEN SECONDS OF HUMAN CENTIPEDEWATCHED.

I'LL BITE.

WHAT IS THE GREAT INJUSTICE DONETO JP MORGAN CHASE HERE?

>> 80% OF THE MORTGAGE BACKEDSECURITIES THEY ARE PUNISHED FOR

WERE ACQUIRED WHEN THEY GOT BEARSTERNS --

TO SOME DEGREE IT SEEMS WRONGTHAT JP MORGAN HAS TO PAY FOR

WHAT HAPPENED.

>> WHAT JURY IS GOING TO HOLD JPMORGAN CHASE LIABLE FOR THE

DOCUMENTS THAT BEAR STERNS SOLD TO PEOPLE

>> Jon: YOU ARE SAYING WHY ISRESPONSIBLE FOR THE DOCUMENTS OF

OF ACOMPANY THAT THEY BOUGHT?

BUT I GUESS BECAUSE THEY BOUGHTTHE COMPANY. BUT IF THIS

IS NEW WAY YOUWANT TO RUN IT NOW.

I OWE JP MORGAN CHASE $500,000ON MY MORTGAGE AND I DECIDED

(bleep) THIS PLACE.

I'M GOING TO SELL IT FOR 50,000AND WALK AWAY

WITH THE MONEY.

UNDER THIS NEW SYSTEM THEGUY WHO BUYS IT DOESN'T OWE YOU

GUYS (bleep).

PROBLEMS YOU CAUSE DON'TDISAPPEAR BECAUSE SOMEONE BUYS

YOU.

THEY ARE INCLUDED IN THE PRICE.

YOU KNOW WHO KNEW THAT?

JAMIE DIMON FROM JP MORGANCHASE.

HE TOLD INVESTORS ANY LIABILITYRELATED TO THE ASSETS WILL COME

WITH US.

HE BRACED HIS COMPANY FOR BYSETTING ASIDE A 28 BILLION

RAINY DAY SETTLEMENT FUND ANDGUESS WHAT?

IT'S RAINING (bleep).

LOOKS TO ME LIKE THIS GOVERNMENTSETTLEMENT IS $15 BILLION LESS

THAN WHAT DIMON THOUGHT ITMIGHT BE.

THE ONLY WAY THIS SETTLEMENTCOULD GET SWEETER IS IT IF IT

WAS TAX DEDUCTIBLE.

>> IT COULD BE DOWN TO $9BILLION.

>> BECAUSE THE MAJORITY OF DEALIS EXPECTED TO BE TAX

DEDUCTIBLE.

>> SON OF A BITCH. THISCONFIRMS WHAT I SAID SETTLEMENTS

FOR CORPORATE FRAUD ANDMALFEASANCE

AND DONATIONS TO BREASTCANCER CHARITIES

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