Least Action Heroes

  • Aired:  06/25/13
  •  | Views: 35,267

When it comes to passing borderline meaningless legislation, Congress is the best around. (5:49)

AND THEY DO THAT WELL.

THEY DO THAT WELL.

NOW-- NOW TO BE FAIR, TO BE

FAIR, THERE IS GOOD NEWS AND

BAD NEWS.

GOOD NEWS, THE COURTS DID

LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN FOR THE

LAW TO BE AMENDED.

BAD NEWS, IT HAS TO BE

AMENDED BY CONGRESS.

SO, SO-- WAIT, WAIT, HAVE

SOME FAITH BOYS AND GIRLS.

SO CAN THEY BE TRUSTED TO

GET THIS DONE?

WELL, LET'S LOOK AT THEIR

RECENT TRACK RECORD.

LAST WEEK THEY TOOK UP THE

FARM BILL, FAMOUSLY ONE OF

THE EASIEST PIECES OF

LEGISLATION THEY HAVE TO

VOTE ON.

AND DON'T WORRY, THEY MADE

HISTORY.

>> IN WASHINGTON THE HOUSE

VOTED DOWN A FARM BILL FOR

THE FIRST TIME IN AT LEAST

40 YEARS.

>> WE DID IT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE DID IT!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

SORT THIS OUT-- THEY VOTED

IT DOWN?

WHY WOULD THEY POKE THE

HEARTLAND RIGHT IN THE CORN

HOLE?

>> 80% OF IT ISN'T REALLY

ABOUT FARMING, PER SE.

THE BULK OF THE FARM BILL IS

THE COUNTRY'S FOOD STAMP

PROGRAM OR WHAT IS NOW KNOWN

AS THE SUPPLEMENTAL

NUTRITION ASSISTANT PROGRAM

OR SNAP.

>> OR SNAP! DID YOU JUST

HEAR WHAT HE JUST CALLED

FOOD STAMPS, HE CALLED THEM

THE SUPPLEMENTAL NUTRITIONAL

ASSISTANCE PROGRAM, SNAP!

(LAUGHTER)

SO-- HANG ON, HANG ON.

HANG ON.

FARM BILL IS A FAKE NAME TO

TRICK US INTO FEEDING POOR

PEOPLE.

I THOUGHT THAT THOSE

BILLIONS OF TAXPAYER DOLLARS

WENT TO A GOOD CAUSE LIKE

PAYING LOCAL FARMERS LIKE

MONSANTO TO NOT GROW CORN IN

THEIR FIELDS, AND INSTEAD

YOU'RE JUST GIVING MONEY TO

HUNGRY PEOPLE FOR FOOD,

WHICH THEY ARE LITERALLY

FLUSHING DOWN THE TOILET

AFTER EATING AND DIGESTING

FOR VITAL NUTRITION.

(LAUGHTER)

I ASSUME THAT THAT IS WHY

THIS BILL FAILED.

>> THE FARM BILL FAILED

BECAUSE VERY CONSERVATIVE

REPUBLICANS VOTED AGAINST IT

BECAUSE THEY SAID IT COSTS

TOO MUCH.

DEMOCRATS VOTED AGAINST IT

BECAUSE IT CUT TOO MUCH FROM

FOOD STAMP.

>> OKAY.

SO NOT ONLY DIDN'T IT CUT

ENOUGH SPENDING, IT ALSO CUT

TOO MUCH SPENDING.

IT'S LIKE THE BILL WAS

GOLDILOCKS AND THE FIRST

BEAR SAYS I THINK YOUR FOOD

STAMP CUTS ARE TOO LOW.

AND THE SECOND BEAR SAYS I

THINK YOUR FOOD STAMP CUTS

ARE TOO HIGH.

AND INSTEAD OF THERE BEING A

MODERATE BEAR THE FIRST TWO

BEARS TEAR GOLDILOCKS LIMB

FROM LIMB AND EAT HER.

THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT

HAPPENED.

(APPLAUSE)

TO BE FAIR, THEY ARE BEARS.

IT'S NOT JUST THAT THEY ARE

VOTING DOWN BILLS THAT WOULD

DO SOMETHING.

THEY ARE PASSING BILLS THAT

WOULD HAVE NO CHANCE OF EVER

DOING ANYTHING.

>> CONGRESS VOTED ON OBAMA

CARE THIS WEEK.

IT WAS THE 37th TIME THEY

DID IT IN SOME WAY, SHAPE,

FORM OR FASHION.

THE REPUBLICAN LEAD HOUSE

DID VOTE TO REPEAL IT BUT

THE BILL, OF COURSE, IS DEAD

ON ARRIVAL IN THE SENATE.

>> 37 DIFFERENT VOTES AND

NOTHING.

IT'S ALMOST IMPRESSIVE TO

VOTE 37 DIFFERENT TIMES ON

SOMETHING AND STILL GET

NADA.

UNLESS, UNLESS MAYBE THIS

ISN'T INEPTITUDE, MAYBE

CONGRESS IS JUST ATTEMPTING

CANTRIC LAWMAKING.

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE DOING

NOTHING, KEEPING PERFECTLY

STILL, NOTHING HAPPENING.

BUT IN FACT THEY'RE

SKILLFULLY BUILDING UP

LEGISLATION UNTIL IT

EVENTUALLY EXPLODES IN THE

GREATEST LORE OF ALL TIMES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

-- GREATEST LAW OF ALL TIMES!

NOW THIS IS NOT GOOD.

IT'S NOT JUST A VOTING

RIGHTS ACT IN CONGRESS'S

HANDS.

THE IMMIGRATION BILL IS

RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

IT'S EASY TO DESPAIR AT

THIS.

IS THERE NO MAJOR ISSUE THAT

CONGRESS COULD TACKLE THAT

WOULD STAND A CHANCE OF

PASSING WITH BIPARTISAN

SUPPORT?

>> MR. SPEAKER,-- WOULD

ALLOW THE SECRETARY OF THE

INTERIOR TO CONTINUE THE

SALE OF ELECTRONIC DUCK

STAMPS AND ALSO EXPANDS THE

PROGRAM TO INCLUDE ALL OF

OUR 50 STATES.

>> YES!

(LAUGHTER)

THE BELOVED DUCK STAMPS

FINALLY A WAY TO MAIL MY

DUCKS BACK HOME.

I'M BEING TOLD IT'S ACTUALLY

A HUNTING PERMIT OF SOME

KIND.

BUT MAYBE, MAYBE CONGRESS

CAN REGAIN OUR FAITH IN IT

JUST BY PASSING THIS BUN

INCREDIBLY NARROW BILL

ENABLING PEOPLE TO BUY DUCK

STAMPS ELECTRONICALLY IN ALL

50 STATES.

DO YOU BELIEVE, BOYS AND

GIRLS?

DO YOU?

DO YOU?

>> THE YEAS ARE 401, THE

NAYS ARE 0, THAI THIRDS

VOTING IN THE AFFIRMATIVE,

THE RAWLS ARE SUSPENDED.

THE BILL IS PASSED!

>> THIS IS THE ONE!

THE SYSTEM WORKS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THAT IS SUCH A RELIEF.

WHEN IT COMES TO PASSING

BORDERLINE MEANINGLESS

LEGISLATION, YOU ARE THE

BEST AROUND!

SO CONGRESS, HERE'S A

TRIBUTE TO YOU FOR BEING

ABLE TO DO THE THINGS THAT

DON'T NEED DOING ♪ YOU'RE

THE BEST AROUND ♪

♪.

>> HR-1157, THE BILL TO

INSURANCE PUBLIC ACCESS TO

THE SUMMIT OF RATTLESNAKE

MOUNTAIN.

>> THE BILL IS PASSED.

>> THE BILL TO DIRECT THE

SECRETARY OF STATE TO

DEVELOP A STRATEGY TO OBTAIN

OBSERVER STATUS FOR TAIWAN.

>> HR-251, A BILL TO DIRECT

THE SECRETARY OF THE

INTERIOR TO CONVEY CERTAIN

FEDERAL FEATURES OF THE

ELECTRIC DISTRIBUTION SYSTEM

TO THE SOUTH UTAH VALLEY

ELECTRIC SERVICE DISTRICT

AND FOR OTHER PURPOSES.

>> THE BILL IS PASSED.

>>

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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