Indecision 2012 - Mercy Rule Edition

  • Aired:  11/10/11
  •  | Views: 495,845

Amid self-combusting GOP candidates at the CNBC debate, Rick Perry unearths the Dope Diamond. (9:44)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILY

SHOW, MY NAME IS JON

STEWART.

BARN BURNER TONIGHT, OUR

GUEST ADAM SANDLER,

SANDLER'S GOING TO BE

JOINING US LATER.

SANDLER THE STAR OF MY THREE

FAVORITE MOVIE, BILLY

MADISON, HAPPY GILLMORE AND,

UH--

(APPLAUSE)

OH, WHAT IS THE THIRD?

THE-- UH--

(LAUGHTER)

EPA, I DON'T-- I DON'T-- OH,

THAT REMINDED ME!

LET'S BEGIN TONIGHT WITH

LAST NIGHT'S GOP DEBATE ON

CNBC, THE 9th OF THE PRIMARY

SEASON.

NOW BEFORE WE GET INTO RICK

PERRY'S NOW INFAMOUS ABC

WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS AGONY

OF DEFEAT-WORTHY BRAIN TURD,

AND BELIEVE ME WE WILL GET

THERE, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO

START WAY BRIEF ANNOUNCE.

I'M CALLING THE FIGHT, THROW

IN THE TOWEL, IT'S OVER.

REPUBLICANS, YOU HAD YOUR

CHANCE.

YOU DIDN'T WANT ROMNEY, TOO

BAD.

ARE YOU NOW STUCK WITH MITT

ROMNEY [BLEEP] ROMNEY, DONE.

HE IS THE WINNER.

ROMNEY WINS.

WE'RE CALLING IT TONIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)

IT'S OVER.

INDECISION 2012 MERCY RULE

EDITION BECAUSE IN

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES AS IN

LITTLE LEAGUE IF ONE TEAM IS

UP 10-0 IN THE THIRD YOU

CALL IT A DAY AND YOU HEAD

OVER TO FRIENDLY'S FOR SOME

FRIBBLES AND SOME FOOD

POISONING.

LART.

(LAUGHTER)

HOW BAD IS IT AT THIS POINT?

IN OUR COVERAGE OF THE

ROMNEY'S CLINCHING DEBATE,

WE NEED NOT EVEN SHOW YOU

HIGHLIGHTS OF ROMNEY.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT MERELY THE SPONTANEOUS

COMBUSTION OF HIS OPPONENTS.

FOR INSTANCE, CHIEF ROMNEY

RIVAL IN THE POLLS HERMAN

CAIN.

GUY'S IN THE MIDDLE OF A

SCANDAL INVOLVING HIS

TREATMENT OF WOMEN.

WATCH HIM LAY DOWN THIS TURD

DISCUSSING THE HIGHEST

RANKING FEMALE OFFICIAL THIS

COUNTRY HAS EVER HAD.

>> THE LEGISLATION HAS

ALREADY BEEN WRITTEN.

WE DIDN'T HEAR ABOUT IT IN

THE PREVIOUS CONGRESS

BECAUSE PRINCESS NANCY SENT

IT TO COMMITTEE AND IT

STAYED THERE.

>> Jon: PRINCESS.

PRINCESS.

PRINCESS NANCY.

NOT I DISAGREE VEHEMENTLY

WITH THE FORMER SPEAKER.

NOT MINORITY LEADER PELOSI

IS WRONG ON THE-- PRINCESS!

YOU KNOW, THERE'S AN AGE

ABOVE WHICH MOST WOMEN DO

NOT WISH TO BE REFERRED TO

ASPIRIN SES.

AND I BELIEVE THAT AGE IS

FIVE.

THERE'S ONLY THREE TIMES YOU

SHOULD EVER USE THAT TERM

WITH AN ACTUAL FEMALE MEMBER

OF THE ROYAL FAMILY, A NEW

MALL TEETION PUPPY YOU GOT,

AND-- MALL TEASE PUPPY YOU

GOT AND, OH, WHAT'S THE

THIRD-- UH--

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GOING TO SAY EPA,

I-- YOU KNOW, THE DEPARTMENT

OF-- WE'RE GOING GET TO

PERRY.

ALL RIGHT SO, THAT'S HERMAN

CAIN.

CAN GINGRICH TAKE ADVANTAGE?

HE'S GOT A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT

OF EXPERIENCE IN GOVERNMENT.

HE'S GOT NAME RECOGNITION.

NEWT.

AND HE'S GOT A REPUTATION AS

THE RIGHT IDEA MAN.

SO WHY CAN'T HE WIN?

WELL, BECAUSE EVERY ONE OF

THOSE IDEAS IS SEASONED WITH

JUST A HINT, JUST A PINCH,

JUST A LOT OF WHAT CAN BE

BEST DESCRIBED AS

DICKISHNESS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THE NEWS MEDIA DOESN'T

REPORT ACCURATELY HOW THE

ECONOMY WORKS.

MY COLLEAGUES HAVE DONE A

TERRIFIC JOB OF ANSWERING AN

ABSURD QUESTION.

TO SAY IN 30 SECONDS --

>> YOU HAVE SAID YOU WANT TO

REPEAL OBAMACARE.

>> LET ME FINISH, IF I MAY,

WHAT IS AMAZING TO ME IS THE

INABILITY OF MUCH OF OUR

ACADEMIC WORLD, MUCH OF OUR

NEWS MEDIA AND MOST OF THE

PEOPLE ON OCCUPY WALL STREET

TO HAVE A CLUE ABOUT

HISTORY.

>> Jon: HMMMM, YOU KNOW, IF

I MAY, NEWT, EVERYBODY LOVES

THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY.

BUT NOBODY'S GOING TO VOTE

FOR HIS ANGRIER KNOW IT ALL

BROTHER.

>> WHAT THE ELITIST IN THE

MAINSTREAM MEDIA WON'T TELL

YOU IS-- EAT A [BLEEP].

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, MOVING

DOWN.

BECAUSE-- NO, LOOKS LIKE THE

PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY A LITTLE

BIT.

(LAUGHTER)

MOVING DOWN THE LIST.

RON PAUL?

THE GUY'S FOR GAY MARRIAGE,

LEGALIZING DRUGS AND AGAINST

MILITARY SPENDING.

HE'S CRITICIZED RONALD

REAGAN.

HE CERTAINLY IS CAPABLE OF

WINNING HIS PARTY'S

NOMINATION, BUT THE

REPUBLICANS AIN'T HIS PARTY.

(LAUGHTER)

MICHELE BACHMANN, NOBODY HAS

SEEN HER SINCE SHE WON THE

AIMS IOWA STRAW POLL AND

STATED THE HPV VACCINE CAN

DO IRREP ARABLE HARM.

TURNS OUT SHE WAS RIGHT AND

HER CAMPAIGN IS TRUTH.

SO THAT LEAVES THREE PEOPLE,

JON HUNTSMAN, RICK SANTORUM

AND-- UH--

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

THE TRANSPORTATION

DEPARTMENT?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT, WE'LL GET TO

IT HUNTSMAN, WHY CAN'T THE

HANDSOME MORMON EX-GOVERNOR

BEAT MITT ROMNEY?

BECAUSE HE IS MITT ROMNEY.

JUST NOT QUITE.

IT'S LIKE WITH THE-- BALDWINS,

BILLY IS GREAT BUT GIVEN A

CHOICE YOU'RE GOING TO GO

WITH ALEC.

(APPLAUSE)

WHICH BRINGS US TO SANTORUM.

WHY CAN'T HE WIN?

BECAUSE NOBODY WHEN GIVEN A

CHOICE OF BALDWINS IS GOING

WITH STEPHEN.

(LAUGHTER)

AND NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WE HAVE REACHED OUR

DESTINATION.

JAMES RICHARD PERRY, RICK.

THE TOUGH-TALKING,

GOD-FEARING, BOOT-WEARING,

PRISONER-KILLING% DISPENSER

DISPENSER-COLLECTING, THAT

LAST ONE IS PROBABLY NOT

RIGHT, TEXAN.

MANY REPUBLICAN FAITHFUL

THOUGHT PERRY WOULD BE THE

ANSWER TO THEIR PRAYER.

BUT IT TURNS OUT HE WAS THE

ANSWER TO OURS.

YOU KNOW, A COMEDIAN CAN

SPEND HIS WHOLE LIFE DIGGING

THROUGH THE COMEDY MINDS FOR

SOUND BITES THAT HE CAN USE

TO SUSTAIN HIS FAMILY.

SOMETIMES A FELLOW CAN LOSE

HOPE.

AND THEN RICK PERRY GIVES

YOU 53 SECONDS THAT CAN

CHANGE A MAN'S LIFE.

OH LORDY, I GIVE YOU THIS

THING I FOUND, THE DOPE

DIAMOND.

>> I WILL TELL YOU, IT'S

THREE AGENCIES OF GOVERNMENT

WHEN I GET THERE THAT ARE

GONE.

COMMERCE, EDUCATION AND THE,

UH, WHAT'S THE THIRD ONE

THERE, LET'S SEE --

>> YOU MEAN FIVE.

>> OH, FIVE, COMMERCE,

EDUCATION, AND, UH, THE,

UH-- UH.

>> EPA?

>> EPA, THERE YOU GO.

>> LET'S TALK DEFICIT

REDUCTION.

>> SERIOUSLY.

IS EPA THE ONE YOU WERE

TALKING ABOUT.

>> NO, SIR.

>> YOU CAN'T NAME THE THIRD

ONE?

>> THE THIRD AGENCY OF

GOVERNMENT I WOULD DO AWAY

WITH, EDUCATION, THE-- UH,

THE-- I CAN'T-- COMMERCE --

AND LET'S SEE-- I CAN'T, THE

THIRD ONE, I CAN'T.

SORRY.

OOPS.

>> Jon: ARE YOU NOT

ENTERTAINED?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

THERE IS SO MUCH MEAT ON

THAT BONE AND IT IS ALL

BREAST MEAT.

IT IS ALL WHITE-- I DON'T

EVEN KNOW WHICH TO PICK

THERE IS THE PART WHERE RON

PAUL IS TRYING TO HELP HIM

OUT.

HE'S GOING, I THINK YOU MEAN

FIVE, OTHER PEOPLE ARE

SHOUTING OUT, I THINK YOU

MEAN EPA.

BUT YOU KNOW, THEY WANTED TO

SHOUT [BLEEP] OUT LIKE CORN

DOG, JUST TO SEE IF PERRY

WOULD REPEAT IT RON BURGUNDY

STYLE.

AND THEN THE PART FOR JUST A

SECOND PERRY LOOKS LIKE HE

IS GOING TO FAKE A STROKE TO

GET OUT OF THE WHOLE THING.

WHICH BY THE WAY IS THE

RIGHT MOVE.

(LAUGHTER)

IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT

[BLEEP] PERRY SHOULD HAVE

JUST BEEN LIKE-- UHU, UH, I

SMELL TOAST!

NO, NO, MY FAVORITE MOMENT

OCCURRED JUST TOWARDS THE

VERY END, JUST TOWARDS THE

VERY END.

LET ME JUST REPLAY IT FOR

YOU VERY QUICKLY, JUST AT

THE VERY END IN THE QUIET

MOMENT OF DESPERATION, AT

THE END.

>> NOW LET'S SEE-- I CAN'T,

THE THIRD ONE I CAN'T, SORRY.

OOPS.

>> Jon: OOPS!

OOPS IS!

OOPS!

OOPS!

(LAUGHTER)

THANK YOU, JESUS.

OOPS!

THAT IS NOT THE FOUR LETTER

WORD I WOULD HAVE GONE WITH.

OOPS LIKE IT'S A JUICE BOX,

OH MY GOD, OH, MY CHANCE TO

BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES!

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